I thought it was just me. I thought I was just going through another one of those challenging seasons. That I was once against creating more drama then needed. That I wanted to be alone, but when it came down to it, I actually didn't want to be alone.
It can be challenging just having *me time.* It is a struggle to put on praise and worship music, to sit quietly, to read my bible, to pray. I constantly feel as though I am on the go. I have plans for the entire day. Then if they are cancelled, I quickly find, or try to find, something else to fill this new void with.
Why is it so hard to sit in the classroom of silence? Why is it so hard to give a few moments of the day solely to God? Am I afraid to hear God's voice? Am I afraid to hear where He wants to send me?
In these moments of listening only to myself, I end up in some rather difficult places. I end up hurt, I look to people to make me happy, lead me, guide me, inspire, motivate, encourage me. But this fulfillment lasts only a few short minutes. Then I am crushed, depressed, angry, upset and withdraw. But the withdrawing doesn't lead to a renewed relationship with my Maker. No... the quiet moments are spent absorbed in cleaning, watching tv, weeding my little garden, cooking, baking, using the internet, driving. And while many of these things can indeed be used to bring God honor and glory, I fail to do that. I fail to dedicate my day to God. I fail to converse with my Creator.
I have the tools I need. I have the resources. I have the time, the energy, the will, the want, the need, the desire. But still. Sinful, human, nature takes over and it becomes all about me.
Kneeling before my God. Kneeling before my LORD, my Savior. Kneeling before Him who made me. Humbling myself. Turning from selfish desires, turning from ways that bring me hard, turning wholeheartedly to my ABBA, my GOD!
I was thinking earlier today... we all have a purpose for being here. We all have a role that only we can fulfill. I mean, w h y did God put us here now? Why weren't we here 40 years ago? Why not 200 years ago? Why not 10 years from now? Why n o w? He clearly knows so much better then me. There is something that only we can accomplish, not just on our own, but together.
I know I am not alone. I know that there are so many hurting people out there. It isn't that I need to fit in with my peers, it is that I need to be known by those int he community, it isn't even that I am known as a holy Christ follower who attends church regularly. It is who I am in Christ. It is who I put my faith and trust in. It is how much I allow God to work in and thru me; advancing His kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Shed Some Light on That
That moment when I should be doing homework and studying but instead I use the grand opportunity to blog? Yes, that one.
It really isn't even all that difficult. Except that I have 3 test coming up on Thursday and I have to actually memorize my definitions and art significances. As well as memorize spelling for Epithelial and Connective tissues. I don't think it will fly to write "The first one that starts with 'A'" or "The Ha..or is is Hy one" or "the tissue that is dense" or even "the tissues that looks like chicken wire."
I should take the time to actually learn this, right? I am quite pleased that I actually know that much! I am quite happy at the amount of information that has been retained! God continually blesses me with an understanding and I couldn't be happier. I just need to continue to study. :) And trust in Him!
So here I am at starbucks. I've been sitting here for an hour and have already been quite productive. I know know more about Bill Clinton then I knew 2 hours ago! [The j o y of Public Speaking class?]
I look outside the window and see such a glorious view. Lately I have been so utterly fascinated by the clouds, the skies that God so magnificently displays for us. Such a beauty to behold!
The small things in life are what I want to enjoy, embrace! Taking time to stop and smell the roses.
Last night I was so very blessed to go up to my friend's family cottage. I've been there before on a personal retreat, but this time it was for 22 highschool seniors on retreat and they needed women chaperones. What a blessing of an experience. I got to witness the generosity and love of such a Godly family pour into the lives of 22 high-schoolers. It is an example that I want to live up to.
We all have those people in our life who shine the light of Christ, fan our flame for the Lord, inspire us, motivate us, encourage us to be better people. I have such wonderful people in my life. I pray that God works thru me in such a way and uses me as an instrument to bring others close to HIM!
It really isn't even all that difficult. Except that I have 3 test coming up on Thursday and I have to actually memorize my definitions and art significances. As well as memorize spelling for Epithelial and Connective tissues. I don't think it will fly to write "The first one that starts with 'A'" or "The Ha..or is is Hy one" or "the tissue that is dense" or even "the tissues that looks like chicken wire."
I should take the time to actually learn this, right? I am quite pleased that I actually know that much! I am quite happy at the amount of information that has been retained! God continually blesses me with an understanding and I couldn't be happier. I just need to continue to study. :) And trust in Him!
So here I am at starbucks. I've been sitting here for an hour and have already been quite productive. I know know more about Bill Clinton then I knew 2 hours ago! [The j o y of Public Speaking class?]
I look outside the window and see such a glorious view. Lately I have been so utterly fascinated by the clouds, the skies that God so magnificently displays for us. Such a beauty to behold!
The small things in life are what I want to enjoy, embrace! Taking time to stop and smell the roses.
Last night I was so very blessed to go up to my friend's family cottage. I've been there before on a personal retreat, but this time it was for 22 highschool seniors on retreat and they needed women chaperones. What a blessing of an experience. I got to witness the generosity and love of such a Godly family pour into the lives of 22 high-schoolers. It is an example that I want to live up to.
We all have those people in our life who shine the light of Christ, fan our flame for the Lord, inspire us, motivate us, encourage us to be better people. I have such wonderful people in my life. I pray that God works thru me in such a way and uses me as an instrument to bring others close to HIM!
Saturday, September 15, 2012
In the Hands of my Maker
"Lead me, Lord, lead me, Lord,
by the light of truth
to seek and to find the narrow way.
Be my way; be my truth;
be my life, my Lord,
and lead me, Lord, today."
If only I remembered these words daily, hourly, every second of every minute or every hour of every day. But I don't. I trust myself, rely on my own weakness and lead myself astray. Time, and time again.
Lately, I have been finding friendships, relationships, friends who are near and dear to me, drift away, drift apart. I seek, I strive, I put forth a grand effort to try to maintain these relationships, yet in the end, I am not anywhere to closer to where I was before. I try to fix these failing on my own. No words with God. No asking Him how to approach this. No asking Him to change my heart or shine light on myself in the areas where I fall short. No. Instead I jump in with both feet and make a bigger mess then what we started with.
"So much effort, so little out of it," I caught myself saying several days ago. "Can't I just stop being nice? Can't I just pick and choose a handful of people to be nice to and just ignore the rest of the world?" It was promptly followed by a "Yes! ... NO!!" Of course I cannot do that. A seething jealously has been brewing. A jealousy for all my task-oriented friends. Then came the "whys." Why cannot I be task oriented? Why cannot I just bury myself so much into the task at hand; it would certainly rid me of my procrastination." "I wouldn't be putting so much of myself out there and getting hurt" "Why, why, why...???"
During my morning commute the following couple of days, I was talking to God and mulling over these proud and un-God like thoughts that had popped into my head and words that were uttered from my lips.
One of my absolute favorite Bible verses is found in Revelations 3 verse 20. God ever so beautifully reminded me of it which provoked some deep thought and meditation. "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." It is Jesus, standing at the doors of our hearts, calling us my name. Never leaving. Waiting patiently. Constantly loving. I am called to love. I am called to love as Jesus (God) loves.
How many hearts are hardened to God's love for human kind?!? How many people openly turn their backs on Him? How many people have tasted His love and mercy but chose a different path. Yet He still stands at their hearts, calling their name; never giving up! Talk about a smack right in between the eyes! Who am I to think I can give up on being nice? Who am I to pick and choose a few choice people and love them and show them Christ's love only? That is certainly not a Christ-like love. Just as Christ loves all and never gives up, I, too, seek to love everyone as Christ loves. Even when it is challenging. Never giving up.
I am whom God has made me to be. There is a mission that only I can fulfill. How often this is forgotten. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know the path God has willed for me.
Sit. Be still. Listen.
God is revealing to me little by little what He wants for me. What He wants to give me. It takes faith, trust, patience.
To be so utterly consumed by Him! To be so on fire for the Lord, burning, blazing with a fire so pure, so sweet, so glorious. The Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. No worry, doubt, question. Complete peace, joy, understanding. An innocent child-like faith. To forever be in the Hands of the Lord, My God. To bring the love of Christ to all whom I encounter. From work, to school to the streets, to the grocery store, I pray that it is Christ's image I bear, and not my own.
How often I will need to be reminded of this. How honored I am to have a gentle, loving and merciful God who has taken my hand and waits for me when I choose to let go when I become sidetracked or think I know the way better!
" Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
The journey is not easy, but the end result will be so worth it.
by the light of truth
to seek and to find the narrow way.
Be my way; be my truth;
be my life, my Lord,
and lead me, Lord, today."
If only I remembered these words daily, hourly, every second of every minute or every hour of every day. But I don't. I trust myself, rely on my own weakness and lead myself astray. Time, and time again.
Lately, I have been finding friendships, relationships, friends who are near and dear to me, drift away, drift apart. I seek, I strive, I put forth a grand effort to try to maintain these relationships, yet in the end, I am not anywhere to closer to where I was before. I try to fix these failing on my own. No words with God. No asking Him how to approach this. No asking Him to change my heart or shine light on myself in the areas where I fall short. No. Instead I jump in with both feet and make a bigger mess then what we started with.
"So much effort, so little out of it," I caught myself saying several days ago. "Can't I just stop being nice? Can't I just pick and choose a handful of people to be nice to and just ignore the rest of the world?" It was promptly followed by a "Yes! ... NO!!" Of course I cannot do that. A seething jealously has been brewing. A jealousy for all my task-oriented friends. Then came the "whys." Why cannot I be task oriented? Why cannot I just bury myself so much into the task at hand; it would certainly rid me of my procrastination." "I wouldn't be putting so much of myself out there and getting hurt" "Why, why, why...???"
During my morning commute the following couple of days, I was talking to God and mulling over these proud and un-God like thoughts that had popped into my head and words that were uttered from my lips.
One of my absolute favorite Bible verses is found in Revelations 3 verse 20. God ever so beautifully reminded me of it which provoked some deep thought and meditation. "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." It is Jesus, standing at the doors of our hearts, calling us my name. Never leaving. Waiting patiently. Constantly loving. I am called to love. I am called to love as Jesus (God) loves.
How many hearts are hardened to God's love for human kind?!? How many people openly turn their backs on Him? How many people have tasted His love and mercy but chose a different path. Yet He still stands at their hearts, calling their name; never giving up! Talk about a smack right in between the eyes! Who am I to think I can give up on being nice? Who am I to pick and choose a few choice people and love them and show them Christ's love only? That is certainly not a Christ-like love. Just as Christ loves all and never gives up, I, too, seek to love everyone as Christ loves. Even when it is challenging. Never giving up.
I am whom God has made me to be. There is a mission that only I can fulfill. How often this is forgotten. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know the path God has willed for me.
Sit. Be still. Listen.
God is revealing to me little by little what He wants for me. What He wants to give me. It takes faith, trust, patience.
To be so utterly consumed by Him! To be so on fire for the Lord, burning, blazing with a fire so pure, so sweet, so glorious. The Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. No worry, doubt, question. Complete peace, joy, understanding. An innocent child-like faith. To forever be in the Hands of the Lord, My God. To bring the love of Christ to all whom I encounter. From work, to school to the streets, to the grocery store, I pray that it is Christ's image I bear, and not my own.
How often I will need to be reminded of this. How honored I am to have a gentle, loving and merciful God who has taken my hand and waits for me when I choose to let go when I become sidetracked or think I know the way better!
" Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."
The journey is not easy, but the end result will be so worth it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
It is that time of year again. Another semester of college has begun. Yet this semester, after only the first day, has been wrought with trial, decisions, and other odds and ends. The latest is that one of my classes may be too far advanced for me. Must learn a little more about Anatomy and Physiology before I attempt to take this class. First goal: talk to my professor in the morning to determine if I stay or drop. I would be content having an extremely light load this semester. The only downside that I can see is that instead of graduating in April/May I would graduate mid-June so I have time to squeeze these missed credits in.
How absolutely relieved I am to know that God has already gone before me. That He knew this would happen. That He already knows what is going to happen. I can talk about what I want, what would be nice, and all that, but ultimately, when left to my own accord, it is nothing but a disaster. I need God. I need to surrender my own wants and desires to do what He wants me to do.
Until next time. :)
-Me!
How absolutely relieved I am to know that God has already gone before me. That He knew this would happen. That He already knows what is going to happen. I can talk about what I want, what would be nice, and all that, but ultimately, when left to my own accord, it is nothing but a disaster. I need God. I need to surrender my own wants and desires to do what He wants me to do.
Until next time. :)
-Me!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Thoughts
Resting and icing. Rest some more. Ice some more.
It has been 6 whole days since my last run. I don't like this one bit.
I long to have the road, dirt, gravel underneath my feet!
The saying "You are only one run away from a good mood" is 100% true. My days go SO much better after my morning runs. I eat better, I sleep better, I have so much more energy. These days of no run really, really, really is taking a huge toll on my well-being. This shin-splint needs to heal! I keep thinking it is getting better, then I step the *wrong* way and wham! pain! Perhaps I should be a bit more diligent with keeping my leg wrapped and iced?
I am going to strive harder to get on my bike. I have it on my trainer in the garage, but don't always have the motivation to get on it regularly. I would l o v e to take it to the trail; the only things stopping me? Well, first, it is awfully hard to get it into my car. Second, if there is a flat tire, I am not sure I know the necessary means of repairing it. I would love to ride with someone who is experienced. Just for safety reasons.
This is my last week of summer vacation. I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer. I have loved 4 whole months of no homework. Just dedicating myself to work and building my social life. I have built more solid relationships. I have spent more time just being content with live. More time for God. More time with God. More time discovering and becoming the woman whom God has made. In a way, it is hard to believe that summer has flown by, yet at the same time, I am accepting more and more that time just goes by so very quickly.
With that realization, I want to take the time to appreciate everything, everyone, every moment that I have alone, with God, with people, with things. No taking time with people, places and things for granted. Appreciative. So thankful, grateful, for what I have, whom I have, in my life. <3
1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
It has been 6 whole days since my last run. I don't like this one bit.
I long to have the road, dirt, gravel underneath my feet!
The saying "You are only one run away from a good mood" is 100% true. My days go SO much better after my morning runs. I eat better, I sleep better, I have so much more energy. These days of no run really, really, really is taking a huge toll on my well-being. This shin-splint needs to heal! I keep thinking it is getting better, then I step the *wrong* way and wham! pain! Perhaps I should be a bit more diligent with keeping my leg wrapped and iced?
I am going to strive harder to get on my bike. I have it on my trainer in the garage, but don't always have the motivation to get on it regularly. I would l o v e to take it to the trail; the only things stopping me? Well, first, it is awfully hard to get it into my car. Second, if there is a flat tire, I am not sure I know the necessary means of repairing it. I would love to ride with someone who is experienced. Just for safety reasons.
This is my last week of summer vacation. I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer. I have loved 4 whole months of no homework. Just dedicating myself to work and building my social life. I have built more solid relationships. I have spent more time just being content with live. More time for God. More time with God. More time discovering and becoming the woman whom God has made. In a way, it is hard to believe that summer has flown by, yet at the same time, I am accepting more and more that time just goes by so very quickly.
With that realization, I want to take the time to appreciate everything, everyone, every moment that I have alone, with God, with people, with things. No taking time with people, places and things for granted. Appreciative. So thankful, grateful, for what I have, whom I have, in my life. <3
1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Life atop the Ground
Running.
Running. Running. More and more and more. Fast pace. Slow pace. Run. Run.
Run.
What
a joy it has been since I started running. While I can only run about .25 miles
before I need a walk break, and my pace is 13.41 minutes to a mile, I am a
runner.
On
August 5, 2012 I [ran] my first race. I had an incredible team who pushed and
pulled, motivated, encouraged, and inspired me. COLOR RUN! Best time yet. 5k in
38 minutes. When I try to run that far on my own, I get it done in 42-46
minutes.
How
utterly blessed I am to have this ability to run. How blessed I am to have
people in my life who support me all the way! Sure, there has been some
suspicion of a shin splint in the left shin, but after almost 3 days of
resting, icing, and light stretching, if all is well come morning, and I can
get ut of bed early enough, I am going to attempt a short walk/speed walk/slow
jog/run. Taking it slow, but not going to just sit around and loose what I have
gained. [I r u n to loose what I've gained!]
My
aunt who worked in the cancer clinic had a patient once say to her "A day
above ground is a good day."
Indeed.
How happy I am to be alive! I just celebrated another birthday- another year
older. I was crying tears of joy that night because I am so so so happy and
thankful to be alive. There were certainly dark days and weeks and months that
occurred before I got to this point. Some days are still harder or better then
others. But ultimately, God is good and He has brought me to this place, out of
that place and I am thankful.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
New Goals
Running ... running ... running ...
Running, something I wanted to get into, so I tried. And failed magnificently. So, something I just thought I would never do. I honestly don't know when, or even why, something changed, but something shifted majorly. Here I am, 4 days before my first ever actual race. No big deal, eh? I am so extremely stoked! The more things I get involved in, the more things I apply myself to, the harder I push, the more risks I take, the more excited I get about living life and doing what I do.
I haven't even ran this race yet. I haven't even reach 5k on my own runs (which is more like walking with an intermittent jog/run/sprint thrown in there. So as for this weekend's run, it should be relatively simple to finish within 45-50 minutes at most.
New goal: Marathon. I need a date, I need a time, I need to commit. Something to work towards. The biggest fear is that this race will come and go, and that motivation to keep running will completely diminish, vanish, disappear. No. Not this time. I am going to continually look for more races. Run. Runn. Running! This time, I began preparing way to close to the actual race. Here I will start without a date in sight and know that one day (it would be great to run a marathon by fall 2012), I will achieve this new found passion and set goal.
Determination. Perseverance. Pushing myself further and farther. Intense.
God is so good. God has blessed me with the time, the energy, the schedule, the money, the place to run, and so so so much more. How utterly blessed I am.
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