To have Him Love You more than He Loves Me.

What does that even me ... "that he would love God more than he loves me" ... ?


It isn't something I had put much thought into. It still hasn't been something I've really thought about in great depth. But it is something that rolls around in my mind. Often.


I am referring to relationships and finding a husband. I seek a man so after God's heart that he finds me in this pursuit. I want to be a woman so after God's heart that I meet my husband in it.


--


I know God has my husband ready for me. I know that everything is happening. I so want to grab the reigns and take control and make things happen now.


--


A year ago I was in the mist of Foster Care licensure. I had been for about 6 months. I was walking on the edge of the water. I was on the verge of something beautiful.


I knew God's promise of "I am going to use your house to further my Kingdom." I knew Foster Care was where I was called in this season. And I pursued God and Foster Care fell into place.


--


And back along the edge of the water is where I am again. Waiting is always the hardest part for me. Just as God came through and Foster Care became a thing, so will marriage. As will family. As will finances and friendships.


Let Go. Let God. Let my will be His will. Let my prayers line up with my Heavenly Fathers. Let not my will be done, except as it lines up with the promises Father has spoken into me.


--


I pray that my husband does love God more than me. I pray that he first and foremost goes to Abba for answers. I pray that we both continually seek God and take everything to Him first. By doing that, we can grow in the areas of communication, intimacy, and togetherness.


My heart stirs with excitement as I think about this next chapter of my life .. of waiting on my Lord and my God. Of waiting and watching as promises unfold and my hope and faith grow.






~~~


Hope. Hope is the anchor of my soul. [Hebrews 6:19]


~~~

New Beginnings and setting the stage

I've been reading a great book. A book with an emphasis on controlling my thoughts and renewing my mind.


It is deep. There is so much that I am trying to comprehend. I want to grasp the concept. I want to apply this way of thinking to my life.


How do you react?


This morning was rough. I worked all evening last night securing this mornings plans. Everything was falling into place great. And then we got a winter storm and I had no idea what was happening. All of last nights plans were null and void.


Usually I am very matter of fact when other people's plans change. But when my plans change, I feel like I shut down and freeze. I try to see clarity beyond the storm. I try to focus in the storm (note, IN, not on).


When I began thinking too many negative things, I began to shut down. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to pull over and cry.


I turned to God. In those moments I really have no idea how to handle them. But I began to pray. "Lord, I can't do this on my own. I need You." and the little in my back seat was repeating everything I was saying.


I am an example whether I want to be or not.


Guide me, Lord.

2015 in Review

Wow. I can hardly believe that another year has gone by. In years past I used to make a huge deal over the new year, I felt like it was one of the largest events of the year. As I've grown older, I take a simpler approach to it, I feel. It is just another day with another number. New beginnings don't have to start on January 1 of a new year. They can begin today. Tomorrow. Yesterday, last week or months ago. I feel like 2015 has been low key, yet so busy. Here's to 2015 and all that 2016 holds!




January


Apparently Facebook was really boring for me in January. Nothing but a shared Foster Care link! :)


February


- 7th: NCT Hike
- 28th: Mona had a play date with a clone 10x her size.
            Ice Skating at Rosa Park Circle


March


- 7th: Project install safety gates for foster care licensing
- 3.14.15: ULTIMATE PIE DAY party. With Pi, Pie and .... White Chili and friends
- 17th: Business Professional day for office pics
- 23rd: Friend's Baby shower for her Miracle Baby
- 29th: Saw Cinderella in theater with my sisters
- 31st: ADOPTED my baby sister!


April


- Dad's health
- 4th: NCT hike with Hollers followed by Pizza!
- 11th: NCT hike
- 12th: PHANTOM OF THE OPERA with my older sister
- 14th: NCT hike
- 18th: Kayaking with Chelsea; fell in the river. Whoops.
- 25th: Nordhouse with Hollers and traveling M-22 to Traverse City
- 29th: 3.43 miles on the NCT with my lil trooper of a pup


May


- 4th: Dad's surgery
- 8th: Got a hammock!
- 23rd: Camping in my own back yard
- 24th: Road trip to Petoskey with Hollers


June


- 6th: Kayaking with Ashlee and Michele
- 13th: B-93 Birthday bash with besties


July


- 4th: Holiday with besties up on the Lake
- 8th Provisional foster license open
- 16th: Christmas in July Cards
- 27th: Sewed a little lamb for a co-worker


August


- 1st: COLOR RUN!
- 5th: First time Rock Climbing
- 7th-9th: Canada Wonderland with two of my besties
- 10th: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!
- 12th made homemade Fettuccine Carbonara
- 15th: Completed PRIDE 5, 7 and 8 for Foster Care licensing
- 18th - 20th: Dog sitting
- 20th: Prepping cloth to make burp clothes for future littles
- 23rd: Hiking the NCT
- 24th: "Deal Newly Licensed Foster Parent
- 28th - 30th: Camping Ludington With Ashlee


September


- 3rd: call for placement; I accepted a beautiful 8 month old
- Started chiropractic care
- 17th: Lady A concert with my friend Ashlee!
- 19th: Irish Music Festival with the family!
- 23rd: baby's first day of daycare
- 27th: visited JodyAnn at WAR Rockford
- 30th: Baby Squidgey the binky thief


October


- 3rd: visited Aunt Brittany and ate at Boatwerks for the first time
- 11th: Orchard with my cousin and our littles
- 17th: Hockey game with my family; little sister sang the National Anthem with her school choir
- 21st: Baby crawled up the entire flight of stairs
- 25th: ZOO GOES BOO with my cousin and our littles
- 31st: caught up with an old friend and saw her beautiful new home


November


- 3rd: Started to Cloth Diaper
- 16th: Went to Frankenmuth Michigan for the first time with a bestie; got a tank of gas for $1.15 [thank you Wesco Rewards!]
- 19th: Fortune cookie: "You will succeed in whatever calling you adopt"
            Prepped 11 dozen cookies for my Church's bake sale; made over 15 dozen total
- 21st: Road Trip to Traverse City Michigan with my cousin and her little to see another cousin. Drove home in a really bad snow storm.
- 25th: Christmas Tree up and gated
- 26th: Baby's first Thanksgiving
- 27th: Big BF splurge: Cloth Diapers
- 29th: LL Thanksgiving with friends


December


- 3rd: Carol the Singer arrived [got my first sewing machine!]
- 4th: Rockford Christmas Lighting Ceremony
- 5th: The Piano Guys concert with my older sister
- 9th: Puppy (#babysquidgey) turned 2!
- 18th: horrible ice and snow
- 22nd: prepped over 80 Christmas cards to mail; not mailed until the New Year
- 23rd: was gifted a $1 chicken and waffle from the restaurant next door to work
- 24th: sewed myself a skirt for Christmas
- 25th: Baby's first Christmas and my first Christmas as a momma

Gardens in my Life

Sometimes there are those moments in life where emotion just overtakes. There is such a strong desire to remain strong and not show "weakness." [NEWSFLASH! ... crying does NOT equate weak].




After what has been on the longest, fastest, shortest, most dragged on, and hardest past year that I have faced to date, filled with far too many tears, I thought I cried the last of all the tears. I was determined not to cry anymore.




Why cry over something long passed? Why cry over something so long ago?




I am fighting a battle that is not mine. I am clinging to a promise never told. I am waiting for something, someone that doesn't share in the same hope and dream.




When will this end? It should have ended long ago. My emotions should never been allowed to take such a long, nauseating ride on that roller coaster.




Too often I wonder why I allowed myself that unnecessary ride. It wasn't needed. I don't even know if I learned anything from it.


Hope remains. But I feel insane for keeping my hope in something that has proven time and time again how unhealthy it is. 


The hurt and the pain is real. The grief, sorrow and plain flat out raw emotion is real.




I want to surrender all. I feel like I have surrendered all. But then I feel like I hold on. There is a part of me that wants to want what I want. But that has led to a year of heartache and broken dreams and shattered hopes.


Sometimes I feel like life is a series of obstacles and that if I perform "correctly" then I'll get what I want. FALSE. There is no truth in that above statement, yet too often I feel like that is how I live my life and that that is why some people have what I want. "They are just doing it right. Maybe if I ... like them .. then ... I'll get that too." LIE again.


I can see how satan has planted seeds of despair and seeds of doubt. I pluck them out in the name of Jesus! I tend to the garden of my mind and I grow hope, and life and light. I remove the thorns and thistles that choke out the Goodness of God. I weed out the unnecessary and water it with the LIVING WATER.


Some days are more emotional than others. But I chose to embrace the tears as a sign of strength. It shows that I have heart and that I do everything with passion and purpose. I am not a robot. I am not just doing the moves. I am alive and I walk in the fullness of God.


I shed the things not of Him, and suit up in the full armour of God! I am His daughter and He loves me. Even when I try to fight the battle that He has already won.

What about Earth

There is a type of person in this world that is never happy. They complain about everything. They complain and then make change happen. Then, even when what they were complaining about has come to pass .. they complain even more about the new normal.




I have encountered people in this world who are like that. They are quick to tell me not to burn bridges. They try to say that they have lived enough life to understand people. They try to play it off like they have accumulated enough wisdom and more wisdom and that because of their age and experiences, they are right and everyone else is wrong.




Please don't misinterpret this. Age can bring about wisdom. Some people have a greater sense than others of intuition. There are some people that the bridge should not be burnt, albeit disagreements and hurts and pain.




Discernment is a key component to life. To discern what to say and when, to discern what to do and when or even why.




Lately I have had many interactions with really bitter people.


Just seeing the whole world in disarray, it pains me. The division among people physically, mentally and emotionally pains me. I wish we all had a common ground. Even when we have the common ground of Jesus, I feel there is always division because now we are looking at rules and every has their own interpretation of the Sacred Scriptures.




"In the morning, when I rise

† Give me Jesus. †
† Give me Jesus, †
† Give me Jesus. †
You can have all this world,
 † Just give me Jesus. †

Seeing Beyond

I continually stumble upon blogs right when I need them. I come across words so eloquently written. I read words with such passion, heart and soul behind every click of the keyboard.


Stories of hope, stories of overcoming, stories of real, live, walked out and lived life.


My heart. It feels so much. It holds so much. I want to put all of my thoughts and all of my feelings into words ... if only I had the words.


Stories about fellow foster mommas. Stories of a momma carrying her baby to term despite the wee ones fatal diagnosis. I see the brokenness, yet wholeness, of a single momma raising her children as best as she can, yet feeling the pressure of "it takes a village" mentality.


Social media is filled with stories all over the spectrum of emotion. One family just brought their sweet girl home from the hospital all while documenting their journey with such joy! Another family brought their baby girl home after months in the hospital after birth. Another family shares their grief as they remember their sweet baby who passed away at about 12 months leaving behind her 2 sisters ... they were triplets. I see posts about new life, and posts of baby's milestones. I have a friend who just celebrated her daughters first birthday after a very emotional first year as the mom fought for her life the first few days after delivery.


All of these stories are tucked away in the depths of my heart. Every single one brings tears to my eyes. Every single one gives me a new hope, a new faith in my Father.


If only I were that strong. If I were in their shoes would I be able to walk it out so gracefully and confidently knowing that God's hand holds me?


I often wonder if I use words too often? Is it possible that I use so many words that the few that do hold deeper meaning are lost in the chaos?


May the Spirit lead me and guide me. May every word that comes off my tongue and off my finger tip be filled with grace and truth.


This life is not always easy, but there sure is so much beauty in it!

Time Gone By

One year ago was so long ago. I forgot what changing of the seasons from summer into fall smells like. I forgot what it looks like. I forgot how good it feels.


Every year without a doubt, come this time of year all I want to do is plan trips to the corn maze, the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch. To smell fresh baked donuts. To ride on a horse drawn wagon ride.


Pumpkin spiced everything is everywhere. I just want to bake pies and have my house smell all fall-like and get that excitement built up inside preparing for the holidays.


Pumpkin pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. Cherry pie. And then toss in a white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake.


Then I'd like to go on a kayak trip for a fall color tour. One thing I love about living in the Mid-West is that we get to experience the beautiful display of colors and have the changing of seasons.


The grass was mowed today and the smell has wafted across me and it smells heavenly.


My mind is in a happy place ... a mix of productivity, excitement and wonder are present today.


Coffee has been drank and it was more delicious today then I recall in mornings past.


 ~~




There is so much to be thankful for everyday. I want to choose joy and love. I want to seek out the good and the gold. I want to call out the riches. I want to seek God and let God shine through me in all areas of my life. Even when I am down or experiencing a hard time, I want to focus on Him and be thankful because He does hold me and know every intricate detail about me.