As the Seasons Change

Not as strong as I come off .. yet stronger than I think.


I love life. But there are just moments that just get the best of me. It is going on week three of battling something that keeps floating around. Allergies? A cold? A mix of the two? Neither? I don't know. It comes and just as I think I am getting over it, another bout of something the same yet different hits.


This season is trying.


Work, school, family, friends, me! Balance.


I find lots of time to read. My book is now my go to above Netflix.


Spending some time absorbing wisdom and challenging me to grow into a better and healthier me.


Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Drained and exhausted. Seeking recharge and refuel.


So many thoughts without any real direction of applying them on paper.


Wanting to write and having brilliant ideas during the wee hours of the night as I try to drift to sleep. Scribbling little bits on paper only to wake and realize I was too vague in what was really trying to be said.


Never having enough hours in the day to do all I want to do. Doing all the things I don't need to be doing during those awake hours. Slowly finding balance and rhythm and clarity.


I applied to go back to college. I want to go into Social Work. I want to make a difference. I want a degree.


That isn't to say I can't do any of the above where I am, because I feel like I am. Yet I don't ever want to settle. I don't want to just leave what is as just what it is. I want to go and go and go until I can't go any more.


Fear has gripped a lot of possibility away from me. Fear that my intentions were wrong. Fear that I would fail. Fear of what the world thought of me. Fear of my peers. So much fear.


I'll fail everything I don't even try. I won't give up before I've begun.


Go getter. Determined. Passionate. I'll embrace these qualities. I'll never settle for less than I know I am capable of. I'll sit back in due seasons but I'll always press for excellence.


My motives and my heart are between me and God. I'll follow His every lead. I'll dance with him and when he pushes I step back. When he pulls I step forward. I trust in His divine lead. I trust in his heavenly song. I'll follow as I am called to do.


This season has me right on the edge. God is Good and He is faithful. His hand I will forever hold. I may try to let go at times thinking that I've got this .. but I am so dependent on my Abba. He is always there to catch me when I fall .. he answers when I call .. He takes me hand long after I've let go and made thinks a mess. But He loves me just the same.