"Close Your Eyes and Breathe it in"

"Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again"

I heard Danny Gokey's "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" on the radio today.  It has been one of my favorite songs for a very long time.  I remember watching a video on the meaning behind the song and if memory serves me correct, I believe there was a person on the operating table having heart surgery and the doctor spoke aloud to the patient that it was all them in that moment -- they needed to tell their heart to beat again because medical intervention had done all they could do.  

At first I drove along and was filled with extreme peace and overwhelmed by my Abba's great love for me.  Then grief hit.  Hard.  I began questioning why I could not just tell my baby's hear to beat again.  All I did for days was basically beg God to put life back into my baby.  I prayed that maybe it was all just a mistake.  I prayed that this was not happening again.  And then all the physical signs of miscarriage began and there was nothing I could do except pray that it was over quickly.  

Processing emotions does not come easy or naturally for me.  It is so much easier for me to put my own emotions aside and make sure that those around me are comfortable.  I can laugh, joke and find humor in my loss because then I know no one around me is uncomfortable.  It is once I begin diving into the emotional aspect that I start to sense the uneasiness and I shut down with sharing emotions.  

The pain, the physical pain has been so unimaginably hard.  It is difficult to share just how much pain this miscarriage has brought.  I am hopeful that I am on the correct medication to get the pain managed and me physically on the mend.

Tomorrow will be two weeks since we learned our sweet baby went to be with Jesus.  It has only been eight days that my sweet baby was delivered sleeping.  It has been  the hardest thing I have physically ever been through.  Our first miscarriage only 4 months prior hurt, but it was so easy and so short compared to what the past ten days have endured.  

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It was not until this week that I felt I could relate to God in such a profound and intimate way.  I have always felt close to God.  I had always heard that God understands our suffering.  I heard it.  I knew it.  But it never sunk in or took on a personal meaning to me.  Until this week.  I was reminded that God ultimately understands and knows the same pain I am experiencing because He, too, lost a Son.  God knows my pain.  God endured my pain AND took my pain upon the cross. 

I was rendered speechless as I let that truth sink in.  

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I certainly do not have anything figured out.  I do not know how to process the loss of my babies.  I never envisioned that I would be walking this journey  barely 8 months into my marriage.  I always knew it could be this hard, but I certainly was not expecting it and nor was I prepared for it. 

I pray that with the help of God, my husband and I will continue to press into Him and cling to each other.  We continue to be surrounded by the biggest sense of community that I have ever been accustomed to.  Most of the time I feel completely unworthy of so much love.  I struggle enough trying to process our loss.  Then to embrace and accept the love that is shown to us ... I am still learning how to be loved.