On Love and on Loss

Loss.  It can mean so many things.  A loss in a game of sports.  Lost in thought.  Losing your keys.

Misplace.  Deprive.  Taken away.

Two weeks into 2018 my husband and I endured one of the hardest weekends.  We never saw it coming.  We hardly even had time to let it sink in that we were expecting our fist child when in a blink of an eye (which was actually 48 hours from hell) our trajectory for the next year of our life changed.

Grief was real, but grief was quick.  We were back to work the next day and resumed life as normal.  There were few triggers for me, and the hardest day occurred three weeks after the loss when I received a call confirming my next OB appointment.  I had cancelled it but it never made it out of the schedule book.

Two months later we found ourselves staring at an ever darkening line on a home pregnancy test.  Overjoyed would be an absolute understatement.  Barely 24 hours had passed before we began sharing with those close to us that another baby was on the way.

We were told by well meaning individuals that back to back miscarriages are unlikely.  We celebrated the life that was growing within.

Nervous.  Anxious.  Hesitation.  I bonded with my baby but I could not escape the ever real possibility that something might go wrong.  Something may have already gone wrong.

I felt so different with pregnancy two versus pregnancy one.  I felt hopeful.  This time was different.  My body was recognizing this pregnancy.  My levels were rising, my hormones were all over the place but just starting to regulate.  Morning sickness came like a freight train and completely knocked me off my feet.

This baby is ours.  This baby is wanted.  This baby is loved.

The appointment day with the OB approached so slowly yet too quickly.  A wait in the waiting room that felt like forever.  I was impatient.  I was nervous.  I wanted everything to be okay but nothing anyone said could calm me.  I needed to heart our baby's heartbeat.  I needed to see my baby on the scan.  I did not know what to expect.

We were surprised with the option for an early ultrasound.  We started the appointment with this.  This was exactly what this momma needed.

As soon as I saw my baby on the screen, I saw the motionless body with no heartbeat.  The room was silent.  The tech tried to get a clearer picture, but I knew.  They knew.  As they began setting up for another scan in a different room I clung to my husband and we sang "How Great Thou Art" and prayed.  We were in a state of shock yet we were incredibly calm.  The peace that came into the room with us was undoubtedly the Holy Spirit.

We went to another room for a different scan.  Same results.  We asked for pictures and they measured our baby.

We talked about what moving forward looks like.  After our 48 hour loss in January, I am hesitant to endure another natural miscarriage.

It was the Friday before Mother's Day.  I went into the weekend knowing that I have two babies dancing with Jesus.  The first 24 hours after learning our precious Nolan Edward went to be with Jesus and his sister June Rose were by far the hardest yet.  I could not eat.  I could not sleep.  I could hardly think.

The outpouring of love and support from our friends, family and church have been unbelievably amazing.

We have received calls, texts, flowers, and meals.

As I write this my darling baby is still safely inside of me.  Walking around knowing I am carrying my lifeless baby is by far one of the most challenging things I have ever had to experience.

I may never have the opportunity to hold my baby in my arms, but I have held every single cell of my baby, encompassed 100% in love for the past 13.5 weeks.  For that I am eternally grateful.

There is a huge part of me that holds onto hope.  There is hope that another scan will be done and life will be seen dancing across the monitor.  Yet another part of me wonders how I could possibly recover from a trauma of believing for how ever many days it takes that my baby is dead and processing that, then to find out that my baby is actually alive and well.  Hopes are high, yet I am at incredible peace that regardless of outcome, rejoicing will be done.

There will be a way to honor our child.  While my child may not physically have life, the birth of my baby will be living bringing.

God is good and He will guide us through this valley.

We will have a child.  Whatever that looks like, God hears our prayers and knows the desires of our hearts to be parents.

Wedding Season

Wedding bells are ringing!

This past Saturday I had the honor to stand with a dear friend as she exchanged "I Do" with her now husband.

In two more sleeps, the day will dawn on the morning of my almost brother-in-law and his soon-to-be bride's wedding day!

Just barely beyond two weeks past that I will be floating down the aisle myself to meet my groom to exchange vows and join our lives in holy matrimony.

Wow.

I am still trying to let that last one sink in. I have been excited to be one of my besties' bridesmaids for almost a year and a half. I have been excited for my soon to be brother to be wed for just about 10 months. And in the mix of it all, I said "yes" and began planning my own wedding with just barely over 6 months to go!

After all the weddings I've witnessed over the past decade, I am completely over the moon that I am walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The man I've anticipated spending forever with. The man who shares enough similarities to keep things comfortable, yet is so much of an opposite that it keeps things interesting and me growing.

My man. My almost husband. The man who encourages me and loves me. The man who chooses me day in and day out. The man who I get mad at and he is first to forgive. The man who loves fiercely and wholly. The man who comes over to my house prior to me even getting off work just so I can come home to a clean kitchen. The man who has begun reading the Bible with me from Genesis 1 and has helped me learn and grow and understand the ancient texts.

There is so much about my man that I feel I forget to appreciate on a regular basis.

I have never wanted to take him for granted, yet when I sit back and reflect, I am saddened to recognize that I have done precisely that on far too many occasions.

We aren't perfect. We have faults and failures. But we are committed. We work together on the same team. We encourage. We seek God. We pray. We are thankful. We are in this today, tomorrow, and the lifetime we pray we are blessed to have together.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

How is it that Christmas is three weeks away! 2016 only has four weeks left.

Sometimes it feels as though life passes by too quickly while at other times it feels like it can't pass fast enough.

An online study that I am part of had a great idea: everytime you see christmas lights, offer a prayer of thanksgiving. One thing I learned the most through that is to be thankful for the present moment.

Over time, I am slowly learning to love the moments of anticipation. Kind of like the quote about it being the adventure isn't the destination, but rather the journey to get there.

So in anticipation of the Christmas season that is upon us, I made dozens of Christmas cookies today! I went hiking with a friend and the last mile back we walked through the accumulating snow. It was gorgeous!

I have close to 80 Christmas cards going out in the mail this upcoming week!

Most of my Christmas shopping is done, I just have to make a few things. Then there are a few things that I have to purchase yet.

I am very excited for the holidays this year. I love the feeling of togetherness that the holidays bring! With friends, family, co-workers or whomever you find yourself gathering with this season, merry Christmas and Happy, Joyous Holidays to you and yours!

Leaving a Legacy in this far too Fragile World

Life. We all have it. We all live it. We are all breathing, heart beating, seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling - or at least some of the above to some degree.

Fragile. Breakable. Short, Fleeting.

Life doesn't last. I've often heard the humor in the phrase "The most terminal illness is life because we are all going to die from it anyways," or something similar to that.

What is your quality of life? Seeing a family come together to prepare for the final goodbyes to someone they may or may not have been close with recently is eye opening and heart breaking. We never know when we will die. Some people are faced with a terminal illness and sent home to die. They still know not the hour of their death, but they can start to prepare for the final goodbyes. We all don't have that.

What is my quality of life? I love deeply but often I feel I fail to express that love. Sometimes I express it in such deep and meaningful ways in my eyes but I don't know if it is received that way. Sometimes I hold back. Sometimes I don't pour out every ounce of my love towards certain people due to how it had been received in the past; or only showing that deep love in a certain way because I feel I have to live up to certain expectations of how they think I should express love.

Regardless. Regardless of all that, I choose love. I choose to love deeply and extravagantly. I choose to not hold back love. I choose to walk in the Spirit and allow God to move within me and guide me. I choose that.

I want to leave a legacy. I want to leave a platform for future generations to build upon. I want that.

Good Riddence to that of Ole

Let mine eyes rest upon You, Oh Lord.


So many new beginnings. So many changes. So much that I didn't think was going to happen but God did.


Resting. Breathing. Following His lead and His timing.


I've held so many personal beliefs that "I am not going to do such and such until such and such is done." While these were made with an intention to catapult me towards greatness and launch me to obtain goals, it also acted as a wall and it hindered me from applying myself whole heartedly towards certain things until "it was achieved."


I don't have those anymore. My goals have been obtained. As I paid that last lump sum on my student loans, I am free of my own chains. It was my last ultimatum. It was the last promise I made to myself that I "would not until ...".


Now I can. Now I can freely and wholly apply myself to the beautiful things that God has in store for me without that shadow of "but first I must."


I was getting discouraged because I always had a clear vision to pay my student loans off by May 2016. Yet as that day got closer and I had only paid the minimum amount due the past 10 months I was telling myself that it was a noble effort, but clearly not feasible. Then it hit me. That drive and that peace that says to pay them off. God's got this.


So now here I am, several months in to a new season of life, and I am thriving. All that the word has thrown at me says that this isn't possible. Somehow God made it all work. And I am thankful.


I am looking forward to this new season and the beauty that it will bring. I am excited to pursue love without strings. I am excited to give of myself purely and not worry about standing up to my own expectations or hurdling over my own walls.


God is so good. And He has given me the desires of my heart. We are a team. And He is faithful and true.

As the Seasons Change

Not as strong as I come off .. yet stronger than I think.


I love life. But there are just moments that just get the best of me. It is going on week three of battling something that keeps floating around. Allergies? A cold? A mix of the two? Neither? I don't know. It comes and just as I think I am getting over it, another bout of something the same yet different hits.


This season is trying.


Work, school, family, friends, me! Balance.


I find lots of time to read. My book is now my go to above Netflix.


Spending some time absorbing wisdom and challenging me to grow into a better and healthier me.


Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Drained and exhausted. Seeking recharge and refuel.


So many thoughts without any real direction of applying them on paper.


Wanting to write and having brilliant ideas during the wee hours of the night as I try to drift to sleep. Scribbling little bits on paper only to wake and realize I was too vague in what was really trying to be said.


Never having enough hours in the day to do all I want to do. Doing all the things I don't need to be doing during those awake hours. Slowly finding balance and rhythm and clarity.


I applied to go back to college. I want to go into Social Work. I want to make a difference. I want a degree.


That isn't to say I can't do any of the above where I am, because I feel like I am. Yet I don't ever want to settle. I don't want to just leave what is as just what it is. I want to go and go and go until I can't go any more.


Fear has gripped a lot of possibility away from me. Fear that my intentions were wrong. Fear that I would fail. Fear of what the world thought of me. Fear of my peers. So much fear.


I'll fail everything I don't even try. I won't give up before I've begun.


Go getter. Determined. Passionate. I'll embrace these qualities. I'll never settle for less than I know I am capable of. I'll sit back in due seasons but I'll always press for excellence.


My motives and my heart are between me and God. I'll follow His every lead. I'll dance with him and when he pushes I step back. When he pulls I step forward. I trust in His divine lead. I trust in his heavenly song. I'll follow as I am called to do.


This season has me right on the edge. God is Good and He is faithful. His hand I will forever hold. I may try to let go at times thinking that I've got this .. but I am so dependent on my Abba. He is always there to catch me when I fall .. he answers when I call .. He takes me hand long after I've let go and made thinks a mess. But He loves me just the same.

What is your Story?

Words. Sometimes they just flow off the tongue so freely. Is it really that important to tell you that I lost my keys this morning? Or that I misplaced my phone yesterday, or that my child acted up? Do I have to tell the awkward tales or the moments where I asked something of someone and they did it?


I am a story teller. I am a people person. I am always looking for things to relate to. I tell my stories in hopes that you, too, will tell me yours. I want to hear how you overslept and had to rush to work. I want to hear that you had the chance to get a sitter so you could take a warm bath. I want to hear that you were so busy doing all the things of life that you totally forget to eat breakfast or make coffee. I want to hear that you bought a new car and that you love it.


All of that, all of the in-betweens and everything that surpasses even that, I want you to feel comfortable confiding in me and sharing life with me.


If it is your first baby or your seventh. If it is your first house or your forever home or your tenth move in two years. If it is your mom or your sister or your baby. Everyone has stories. Everyone has something going on in their very moment of life that is worth sharing.


Maybe you need to vent about a problem at home or at work. Maybe your best friend hurt you. Maybe you are just so exhausted from doing this thing we call life. Maybe you are in a shaky place in your spiritual journey. Perhaps there are health concerns.


I'd love to hear about where you are, and where you've been in life. We are all shaped by our experiences and our perceptions of the world. We all have something that we can learn from and that we can teach each other.


Let me have listening ears and a willing heart to engage in the matters of the heart conversations and grow myself and watch you grow through it all.