Three Weeks Later

I barely blinked and the past three weeks are gone.  The past three weeks have literally been a haze as I have tried to navigate through grief.  It has been messy.  It has hurt.  It has been so insanely all over the place emotionally.

Moving forward has happened regardless of whether I have been ready for it or not.  I wanted time to stand still to some degree.  I wanted to feel what I was feeling yet not miss any of what life had to offer.  Life moved on while I stood still.  I did the best I could in the circumstances I had.

Putting on a smile and carrying on is what I am good with.  I am comfortable there.  Sharing the depth of the hurt and pain is a challenge for me.  Sharing the most intimate parts of this journey with my husband; growing, navigating, learning to move through the current.  Easy has never been part of this journey.

Some days are incredibly hard.  Some moments I just want to curl up in a ball and ugly cry.  Other moments I find peace and enjoy the quiet stillness of the day.

My nursery is fully furnished and my sweet baby's "Noley Bear" (the Black Bear stuffed animal that I bought my baby as his first souvenir as we ventured out West together) sits wearing a "You are my Sunshine" cloth diaper on the changing table.  Most days the nursery door is closed; not because of the pain, but simply due to not air conditioning a room that isn't used.  I prefer the door open because I enjoy glancing at the room where our eventual baby will come to reside.

Grieving the loss of my own babies is nothing like anything I have ever experienced.  I did foster care for over a year and had two littles come and go.  When they left I had a brief period of grieving.  But I knew they were back with family and that they would be alright.  It was a good bye, but it was not a permanent separation like miscarriage is.  My foster littles are still out living their lives with their families and my sweet June and Nolan are dancing with Jesus.

I am thankful that my nursery is fully prepped and ready to receive a baby.  I sit in my glider and find great healing.  I think my days of fostering has helped prepare me for losses such as these.  In that respect I am extremely thankful for the journey I have walked. 

I do not have all the answers, heck, I do not even think I have any of the answers.  But I know God is in control.

We do not know what caused the loss of June or Nolan.  We may have some answers in the next few weeks regarding Nolan, but regardless of cause, my love does not change.  My babies knew my heartbeat from the inside.  I held my babies every single day of their short life.  One day I will have a baby to share with the world.  For now though, my husband and I draw close to each other and close to God.  We have picked up dancing as a means to bond and cope in this season.  After two nights we are thoroughly enjoying ourselves and looking forward to continuing to learn and heal together!