The realization that had we not lost our babies, my relationship with God would not have gone as deep as it has.
At the advise of my wise mother in law, I purchased Alyssa Quilala's book Mending Tomorrow. Within 30 minutes of receiving the book I was immersed with the gold nuggets contained within.
Today's reading began with Psalm 112:7 -
"They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
It immediately took me back to May 11th -- that one day we were at the doctors office, I was laying on the table, holding my husbands hands when we heard, "there is no heartbeat."
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As the tech and doctor put in orders for another scan and prepped another room, I held onto my husband and we began praying and praising.
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The fact that we got called back to the room 30-45 minutes after our initial appointment time. The fact that my doctor asked first thing if we wanted an early ultrasound (instead of using the Doppler to find a heartbeat). The fact that although we got there late my doctor caught the ultrasound tech right as she was walking out the door. Everything fell into place. God was holding us all along. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything had been aligned for us for God's greater glory. The fact that we did not have to try to find a heartbeat at the appointment and then have to live through the weekend for a scan the following week was a complete God-thing. We rejoice in that!
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Finding joy and having hope in everyday comes easy at moments and feels impossible at other times.
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Knowing that if we never had lost June or Nolan, that my intimacy with God likely never would have reached this depth. I miss my babies like crazy, but I cannot image my life without my relationship with God.
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Hope exists. Hope that one day we will have a baby of our own to hold. Yet not solely focusing on that.
There are children out there, desperate for a home, desperate for love. My husband and I were planning on pursuing foster care licensure. I had walked the journey of being a foster mom prior to getting married .. and here we are again considering embarking once again on this journey. I have lost babies. These children have lost a whole lot more -- their family, their home, the life they have known. If my husband and I can enter into their broken hearts and be the middle momma and daddy that they need to heal, then please let us be that for them.
No rush. It will take some time to get licensed. It gives us something to hope for while our hearts heal. I am not entirely sure what will happen, but the process is beginning. We trust that God will guide us as we venture on this journey.
God did not take away my babies, but I pray that through their passing, they may be honored and that my faith is made stronger.
So here we stand. Surrendering. Ready for the next step of the journey.
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