Time does not heal all wounds. At least that is what I am finding out for myself. We just celebrated the date that our first child would have joined our family had the heartache of loss never entered our world. Celebrate, that may be too much of a stretch. Instead we grieved, and ached, and mourned what is not. We cried, we held each other, we tried to press on and not dwell in the darkness of anguish and pain. Sometimes laying there in the misery of it all sounds more appealing then picking up and carrying, all the whilest remembering and not forgetting what has been our life.
In the midst of this chaos and brokenness, I feel lost. I do not know how I climb out of bed every day and face what the day brings. I do not know why death has entered our lives and robbed us of three very much wanted children. I do not get how the thing we want so badly has been just close enough to be true and then vanishes before we can tangibly count is as ours to be had.
It is so hard to look forward and imagine that this time will be used as good. This time feels broken, and messy, and vulnerable, and scary. It feels impossible that this season can be overcome. It feels impossible that what the future holds can ever out weigh the hardships and heartaches of this season. How can my heart go on? How can I recover from a past 8 months that have been filled with hurt, pain, loss, sadness, yet mingled with joy and hope and gratitude?
Yes, although there has been loss ... there has been so much more hope. Three time this year we have been blessed with two little pink lines. Three times this year I have experienced life within me. Three times this year I have had the honor and the privilege to share with family and friends that a baby was on the way! I have so much hope and joy reminiscing those moments. I have faith that our story is not over. I have to believe that the hope I have is not for naught.
God is good. He is writing our story. Death has never been part of His plan, but death entered this world. I have a choice to make every day. Do I allow the crushing weight of death to overcome me, or do I allow Him who overcame death to fulfill me and continue to minister to me and give me hope? From this experience, I can reassure you that choosing hope has been the best choice I have ever made.
The future still remains unknown. I still struggle to envision a time where this mess will be turned into a message. But I have faith that God is using our story of brokenness and that redemption is His.
These losses have helped press us even further into the journey of foster care. We are closer now than we have been before to being licensed foster parents. And perhaps that is how God is using our story. I do not know. But God does. Send us, Lord. Let us be instruments on this journey of life and let us be Your hands and feet to the least of them.
Showing posts with label foster care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label foster care. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Getting Answers and Pressing On
I have a follow up appointment with my OB next week. Pathology is running tests to see if we could possibly find answers as to what happened to our baby. Maybe we will receive answers pointing to why we have had two recurrent miscarriages. There are thoughts that maybe it was chromosomal in which we would receive some insight; but that would ultimately just mean that it was a fluke and that there was no way to prevent it or avoid it in the future.
At this point, I have no real longing to know what happened. Knowing what happened to one baby and not the other breaks my heart. I will accept answers, but I am not seeking them out on my own.
Losing my babies has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, yet it has also been on the greatest things for my faith walk. Being able to press into Jesus has brought me deeper than I have ever been. Even looking back one month ago to where I am now amazes me.
The longing for a baby has not gone away. We still wish to be parents. We still wish to bring a child into this world that shares our DNA. But it is not a sole focus for us. It is not a be all end all. We want a baby, but we also know we can be parents through other measures, such as foster care.
--
It has been one month since I stopped carrying my sweet child. The emotions that the past month have held have been some of the deepest valleys I have traveled through to date. The hormone crash, the uncertainty of my own body, still in limbo between maternity clothes and pre-maternity clothes. The struggle is real. The emotions have been raw. But my God is good. Pressing into God and trusting in Him to lead me on this journey. It has not always been easy, and sometimes it is not even the first means I turn to. But when I find that quiet place with Jesus ... I can sink into his presence and share the depths of my heart without fear of judgement or fear that I'll be misunderstood or say the wrong thing. I can be real. I can be raw. I can share exactly what my heart feels and what my mind needs to say. And I am loved! I am met right where I am. God sees me and knows my every tear.
--
Having a hope of being a foster mom has been extremely helpful in this healing journey. Being able to have a focus external to us has been so good for me. Knowing that I can honor my babies by turning our nursery into a home of hope and healing for other children who have experienced a hurting and broken world feels like the absolute best thing for this momma heart.
--
We will have our rainbow baby. We will hold a child in our arms. I pray that I will never have to experience another loss of losing my own child. I have said goodbye to two foster children and two biological babies in the past 2 years. Foster care will come with more goodbyes. But those are happier goodbyes. Those are not always a goodbye forever.
--
In this season we wait. We hope. We praise. We continue to press on with daily life. We continue to see God first. We continue to love.
At this point, I have no real longing to know what happened. Knowing what happened to one baby and not the other breaks my heart. I will accept answers, but I am not seeking them out on my own.
Losing my babies has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, yet it has also been on the greatest things for my faith walk. Being able to press into Jesus has brought me deeper than I have ever been. Even looking back one month ago to where I am now amazes me.
The longing for a baby has not gone away. We still wish to be parents. We still wish to bring a child into this world that shares our DNA. But it is not a sole focus for us. It is not a be all end all. We want a baby, but we also know we can be parents through other measures, such as foster care.
--
It has been one month since I stopped carrying my sweet child. The emotions that the past month have held have been some of the deepest valleys I have traveled through to date. The hormone crash, the uncertainty of my own body, still in limbo between maternity clothes and pre-maternity clothes. The struggle is real. The emotions have been raw. But my God is good. Pressing into God and trusting in Him to lead me on this journey. It has not always been easy, and sometimes it is not even the first means I turn to. But when I find that quiet place with Jesus ... I can sink into his presence and share the depths of my heart without fear of judgement or fear that I'll be misunderstood or say the wrong thing. I can be real. I can be raw. I can share exactly what my heart feels and what my mind needs to say. And I am loved! I am met right where I am. God sees me and knows my every tear.
--
Having a hope of being a foster mom has been extremely helpful in this healing journey. Being able to have a focus external to us has been so good for me. Knowing that I can honor my babies by turning our nursery into a home of hope and healing for other children who have experienced a hurting and broken world feels like the absolute best thing for this momma heart.
--
We will have our rainbow baby. We will hold a child in our arms. I pray that I will never have to experience another loss of losing my own child. I have said goodbye to two foster children and two biological babies in the past 2 years. Foster care will come with more goodbyes. But those are happier goodbyes. Those are not always a goodbye forever.
--
In this season we wait. We hope. We praise. We continue to press on with daily life. We continue to see God first. We continue to love.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Trust and Surrender: What's Next
The realization that had we not lost our babies, my relationship with God would not have gone as deep as it has.
At the advise of my wise mother in law, I purchased Alyssa Quilala's book Mending Tomorrow. Within 30 minutes of receiving the book I was immersed with the gold nuggets contained within.
Today's reading began with Psalm 112:7 -
"They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
It immediately took me back to May 11th -- that one day we were at the doctors office, I was laying on the table, holding my husbands hands when we heard, "there is no heartbeat."
--
As the tech and doctor put in orders for another scan and prepped another room, I held onto my husband and we began praying and praising.
--
The fact that we got called back to the room 30-45 minutes after our initial appointment time. The fact that my doctor asked first thing if we wanted an early ultrasound (instead of using the Doppler to find a heartbeat). The fact that although we got there late my doctor caught the ultrasound tech right as she was walking out the door. Everything fell into place. God was holding us all along. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything had been aligned for us for God's greater glory. The fact that we did not have to try to find a heartbeat at the appointment and then have to live through the weekend for a scan the following week was a complete God-thing. We rejoice in that!
--
Finding joy and having hope in everyday comes easy at moments and feels impossible at other times.
--
Knowing that if we never had lost June or Nolan, that my intimacy with God likely never would have reached this depth. I miss my babies like crazy, but I cannot image my life without my relationship with God.
--
Hope exists. Hope that one day we will have a baby of our own to hold. Yet not solely focusing on that.
There are children out there, desperate for a home, desperate for love. My husband and I were planning on pursuing foster care licensure. I had walked the journey of being a foster mom prior to getting married .. and here we are again considering embarking once again on this journey. I have lost babies. These children have lost a whole lot more -- their family, their home, the life they have known. If my husband and I can enter into their broken hearts and be the middle momma and daddy that they need to heal, then please let us be that for them.
No rush. It will take some time to get licensed. It gives us something to hope for while our hearts heal. I am not entirely sure what will happen, but the process is beginning. We trust that God will guide us as we venture on this journey.
God did not take away my babies, but I pray that through their passing, they may be honored and that my faith is made stronger.
So here we stand. Surrendering. Ready for the next step of the journey.
7
At the advise of my wise mother in law, I purchased Alyssa Quilala's book Mending Tomorrow. Within 30 minutes of receiving the book I was immersed with the gold nuggets contained within.
Today's reading began with Psalm 112:7 -
"They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
It immediately took me back to May 11th -- that one day we were at the doctors office, I was laying on the table, holding my husbands hands when we heard, "there is no heartbeat."
--
As the tech and doctor put in orders for another scan and prepped another room, I held onto my husband and we began praying and praising.
--
The fact that we got called back to the room 30-45 minutes after our initial appointment time. The fact that my doctor asked first thing if we wanted an early ultrasound (instead of using the Doppler to find a heartbeat). The fact that although we got there late my doctor caught the ultrasound tech right as she was walking out the door. Everything fell into place. God was holding us all along. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything had been aligned for us for God's greater glory. The fact that we did not have to try to find a heartbeat at the appointment and then have to live through the weekend for a scan the following week was a complete God-thing. We rejoice in that!
--
Finding joy and having hope in everyday comes easy at moments and feels impossible at other times.
--
Knowing that if we never had lost June or Nolan, that my intimacy with God likely never would have reached this depth. I miss my babies like crazy, but I cannot image my life without my relationship with God.
--
Hope exists. Hope that one day we will have a baby of our own to hold. Yet not solely focusing on that.
There are children out there, desperate for a home, desperate for love. My husband and I were planning on pursuing foster care licensure. I had walked the journey of being a foster mom prior to getting married .. and here we are again considering embarking once again on this journey. I have lost babies. These children have lost a whole lot more -- their family, their home, the life they have known. If my husband and I can enter into their broken hearts and be the middle momma and daddy that they need to heal, then please let us be that for them.
No rush. It will take some time to get licensed. It gives us something to hope for while our hearts heal. I am not entirely sure what will happen, but the process is beginning. We trust that God will guide us as we venture on this journey.
God did not take away my babies, but I pray that through their passing, they may be honored and that my faith is made stronger.
So here we stand. Surrendering. Ready for the next step of the journey.
7
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