Time does not heal all wounds. At least that is what I am finding out for myself. We just celebrated the date that our first child would have joined our family had the heartache of loss never entered our world. Celebrate, that may be too much of a stretch. Instead we grieved, and ached, and mourned what is not. We cried, we held each other, we tried to press on and not dwell in the darkness of anguish and pain. Sometimes laying there in the misery of it all sounds more appealing then picking up and carrying, all the whilest remembering and not forgetting what has been our life.
In the midst of this chaos and brokenness, I feel lost. I do not know how I climb out of bed every day and face what the day brings. I do not know why death has entered our lives and robbed us of three very much wanted children. I do not get how the thing we want so badly has been just close enough to be true and then vanishes before we can tangibly count is as ours to be had.
It is so hard to look forward and imagine that this time will be used as good. This time feels broken, and messy, and vulnerable, and scary. It feels impossible that this season can be overcome. It feels impossible that what the future holds can ever out weigh the hardships and heartaches of this season. How can my heart go on? How can I recover from a past 8 months that have been filled with hurt, pain, loss, sadness, yet mingled with joy and hope and gratitude?
Yes, although there has been loss ... there has been so much more hope. Three time this year we have been blessed with two little pink lines. Three times this year I have experienced life within me. Three times this year I have had the honor and the privilege to share with family and friends that a baby was on the way! I have so much hope and joy reminiscing those moments. I have faith that our story is not over. I have to believe that the hope I have is not for naught.
God is good. He is writing our story. Death has never been part of His plan, but death entered this world. I have a choice to make every day. Do I allow the crushing weight of death to overcome me, or do I allow Him who overcame death to fulfill me and continue to minister to me and give me hope? From this experience, I can reassure you that choosing hope has been the best choice I have ever made.
The future still remains unknown. I still struggle to envision a time where this mess will be turned into a message. But I have faith that God is using our story of brokenness and that redemption is His.
These losses have helped press us even further into the journey of foster care. We are closer now than we have been before to being licensed foster parents. And perhaps that is how God is using our story. I do not know. But God does. Send us, Lord. Let us be instruments on this journey of life and let us be Your hands and feet to the least of them.
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joy. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2018
Monday, August 27, 2018
In the waiting
So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing
Another weekend come and gone. And it feels like the second worse weekend I have been through in my life. This past Saturday we said hello and goodbye to yet another baby. It had only been a few short days since those two pink lines appeared on the test and I sat in awe and wonder on my bathroom floor as tears of faith and joy ran down my cheeks. I was full of praise, yet I was terrified. I had walked this journey two times already. I was hopeful, oh so hopeful, that this was going to be our take home baby. Our Redemption baby.
I had plans to celebrate with my husband. I wrote a poem. We had a photo shoot scheduled under the guise that we were having our one year anniversary photos taken. But then all the hopes and dreams that had been building for a lifetime, that had suddenly become a reality three days earlier all came to an abrupt halt as I now sat on the bathroom floor watching my hopes and dreams of this child that I had prayed for vanish.
I feel the weight of the pain, and the memories of "what ifs" infiltrate every cell of my body and I cry out begging for relief, begging for answers, begging that this is all a dream. Can I wake up yet? Can this not be my reality ... please? I just want to hide. I just want company. I want to be everywhere and nowhere all at once.
This journey has taken me deeper with God. I have continued to press into Him. Even in the hard moments, I find my strength in Him. In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.
While I wait, Jesus is here. What I wait for, I know not. But I know that my God turns mourning into rejoicing and ashes into beauty. And for that, how can I not have hope?
To be completely raw and honest, this seasons sucks. It is frustrating, challenging, tear-jerking, and at times I hardly like being around myself because I feel so consumed with grief and heartache.
I know I am not alone. My heart goes out to all of those mommas and daddys who have lost babies and who walk this same journey, or one similar. As much as I want to say that it will be ok, or that we will all hold our miracle babies, I cannot make those promises. Yet I know who holds the days and I know that God is constantly making all things new. For that, I am thankful.
My heart holds so much hope. Perhaps my eye has been on the wrong prize. For what am I supposed to long for and hope for? I am praying for guidance through this journey. I am praying for a healed heart. I am praying that God will indeed restore that which has been broken and turn it into something beautiful and amazing (Joel 2:25).
In this seasons, I know God is near. As I wait, I know God is here.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Four Words
faith
fāTH/
noun
- 1.complete trust or confidence in someone or something.
- 2.strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.
hope
hōp/
noun
- 1.a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
- 2.archaica feeling of trust.
verb
- 1.want something to happen or be the case.
joy
joi/
noun
- 1.a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.
verb
literary
- 1.rejoice.
re·demp·tion
rəˈdem(p)SH(ə)n/
noun
- 1.the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil.
"God's plans for the redemption of his world"
- 2.the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt.
Faith. Hope. Joy. Redemption.
These are words of the present and words of the future. If I did not have faith, hope, joy and redemption I believe that I would be an absolute mess. I am not sure if I would have been able to recover from the losses this year started with.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Father, Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do
Once again social media has become dominated with political rants, debates, hatred, judgement, and ignorance (and ignoring). I fall into the last category there-- I am first ignorant of the "current affairs" going on around me in the political realm, and secondly, I just plain ignore (getting involved) in these "discussions" of what out world, ahem, social networking world, has become infiltrated with. Certainly not to undermine that this is indeed an issue in the world, and it is not something to overlook or turn a blind eye to. The world is changing. The world has always been changing.
This post arises from the latest social media trend of the red pictures. You may have seen them. Equal signs. Plus signs. A cross. Baby feet. They have come to replace the "face" of many by becoming profile pictures. No need for words to express where one stands on this issue.. just look for the red picture that is bound to be somewhere on their profile. Then there is instant judgment. "Ooooh, they believe t h a t way?!?!? I cannot possibly be friends with h e r (or) h i m!"
Now it is no secret that our society has this unspoken rule that if two people don't agree with each other, than the friendship cannot possibly exist; there is instant hatred. Perhaps they have tried to talk it out. Perhaps they have tried to persuade each other to "see the light." All these "fruitless attempts" and then, just like that, the friendship is ended. But we are all made unique and different. If we were all the same, the world would never advance--because everyone would be thinking on the same level. There would be no diversity among professions, dreams, goals, etc. We would all walk around in a stupor repeating what has already been said and thought up. It takes different minds, and yes, even disagreements, to make the world go 'round.
So, what is this controversy? What has taken over our social media and turned our attention away from love? This is centered around legalizing gay marriages and equality for all people-- no matter the sexual orientation.
That brings me to this: Why judge because their sin is different than mine? Yes, the Bible does clearly state in Leviticus 18:22: "Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." But it also says a multitude of other things: "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself'" (Luke 10:27). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). That is just to name a few.
So while we are so busy here, pointing fingers, calling other out on their sins, have we forgotten that we too are sinners?? "There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus" (Romans).
This situation that has arisen, leaves us with ample opportunity to show Christ's love! To shower people with the blessings that God has given freely to US!!
What exactly does it look like to show Christ's love? That is something that I have often struggled with myself. When a situation arises that I have no idea how to deal in it, I just respectfully .. humbly.. or perhaps more like cowardly, bow out. I don't want to be uncomfortable. Almost like "I don't like the choices you are making, I won't get into an argument about it. So live your life how you want and I'll live how I want. The End. Good bye." Excuse me?!?! I don't think so! It has really been placed on my heart that this is something that I need to really rethink.
Perhaps I need a mentality more along these lines: Discussion should be had... take advantage of any opportunity to let my cup, that is filled with Christ, pour truth out into the lives of others. And just because someone has a different world view than me, I still need to have the patience and love to listen and love. Not just that, but also take the time for them to pour out into my life as well! So we don't agree on some things, they still have wisdom to offer that I don't have. They have been though life experiences that I have not and can offer that to me. Because, again, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Not anyone is all bad.
Have you ever thought that maybe we judge others so harshly because we are judging ourselves? We have a subconscious (or in come cases, even conscious) moral standard, a set of values that we hold ourselves up to-- and then, not intentionally in most cases, try to push these off onto others claiming it is done in the Name of God? Let me ask this: When was the last time God got in your face and openly condemned you and called you out? He is so gentle. He stands there loving us in our sinfulness and brokenness. And we are called to bear HIS image! If He can do that for me, then by golly, I need to be able to do that for others.
So here we are with these posts going around online. People picking fights. People stating their honest to goodness opinion, beliefs, and being judged, rebuked, De-friended. Not in every situation, but there have been many sparks flying the past week. Tempers flare, emotions stir. And we forget that we are brothers and sisters in Christ. We forget that we are bearers of God's image. We forget that we are all sinners and fall short of God's glory.
Just because someone sins differently than you, does not mean that you can run at them with guns blazing. While it is easy to point the finger and call out our homosexual brothers and sisters, let's not. Leave the ultimate judgment up to God. Love on them. Show them Christ's love. Show them the love that you show to every one else. They are human just like you and me. And by being so harsh it may turn them, as well as countless others, off to the love of God. They may be physically here, but many will turn a blind eye, a deaf ear to you.
Yes, we have the freedom of speech. Yes, we can openly show our support upon the walls of our social media. But don't let worldly views cloud the lens of a view much greater then this, with rewards that last an eternity.
We call ourselves Christians, but some of our actions tell a different story. Here we are just hours away from Easter- one of the most pivotal moments in the Christian faith. Let us allow our old selves die with Christ-- our sins have already been nailed to the cross-- and let us rise anew with Christ!
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." -Ps. 19:14
"Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." 2 Timothy 2:23-24
"Sometimes when we do something we are unqualified to do, it qualifies us."
Please note, "they" does not mean homosexuals -- it refers to sinners as a whole.
This post arises from the latest social media trend of the red pictures. You may have seen them. Equal signs. Plus signs. A cross. Baby feet. They have come to replace the "face" of many by becoming profile pictures. No need for words to express where one stands on this issue.. just look for the red picture that is bound to be somewhere on their profile. Then there is instant judgment. "Ooooh, they believe t h a t way?!?!? I cannot possibly be friends with h e r (or) h i m!"
Now it is no secret that our society has this unspoken rule that if two people don't agree with each other, than the friendship cannot possibly exist; there is instant hatred. Perhaps they have tried to talk it out. Perhaps they have tried to persuade each other to "see the light." All these "fruitless attempts" and then, just like that, the friendship is ended. But we are all made unique and different. If we were all the same, the world would never advance--because everyone would be thinking on the same level. There would be no diversity among professions, dreams, goals, etc. We would all walk around in a stupor repeating what has already been said and thought up. It takes different minds, and yes, even disagreements, to make the world go 'round.
So, what is this controversy? What has taken over our social media and turned our attention away from love? This is centered around legalizing gay marriages and equality for all people-- no matter the sexual orientation.
That brings me to this: Why judge because their sin is different than mine? Yes, the Bible does clearly state in Leviticus 18:22: "Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." But it also says a multitude of other things: "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye" (Matthew 7:5). "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself'" (Luke 10:27). "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). That is just to name a few.
So while we are so busy here, pointing fingers, calling other out on their sins, have we forgotten that we too are sinners?? "There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus" (Romans).
This situation that has arisen, leaves us with ample opportunity to show Christ's love! To shower people with the blessings that God has given freely to US!!
What exactly does it look like to show Christ's love? That is something that I have often struggled with myself. When a situation arises that I have no idea how to deal in it, I just respectfully .. humbly.. or perhaps more like cowardly, bow out. I don't want to be uncomfortable. Almost like "I don't like the choices you are making, I won't get into an argument about it. So live your life how you want and I'll live how I want. The End. Good bye." Excuse me?!?! I don't think so! It has really been placed on my heart that this is something that I need to really rethink.
Perhaps I need a mentality more along these lines: Discussion should be had... take advantage of any opportunity to let my cup, that is filled with Christ, pour truth out into the lives of others. And just because someone has a different world view than me, I still need to have the patience and love to listen and love. Not just that, but also take the time for them to pour out into my life as well! So we don't agree on some things, they still have wisdom to offer that I don't have. They have been though life experiences that I have not and can offer that to me. Because, again, we all sin and fall short of the glory of God. Not anyone is all bad.
Have you ever thought that maybe we judge others so harshly because we are judging ourselves? We have a subconscious (or in come cases, even conscious) moral standard, a set of values that we hold ourselves up to-- and then, not intentionally in most cases, try to push these off onto others claiming it is done in the Name of God? Let me ask this: When was the last time God got in your face and openly condemned you and called you out? He is so gentle. He stands there loving us in our sinfulness and brokenness. And we are called to bear HIS image! If He can do that for me, then by golly, I need to be able to do that for others.
So here we are with these posts going around online. People picking fights. People stating their honest to goodness opinion, beliefs, and being judged, rebuked, De-friended. Not in every situation, but there have been many sparks flying the past week. Tempers flare, emotions stir. And we forget that we are brothers and sisters in Christ. We forget that we are bearers of God's image. We forget that we are all sinners and fall short of God's glory.
Just because someone sins differently than you, does not mean that you can run at them with guns blazing. While it is easy to point the finger and call out our homosexual brothers and sisters, let's not. Leave the ultimate judgment up to God. Love on them. Show them Christ's love. Show them the love that you show to every one else. They are human just like you and me. And by being so harsh it may turn them, as well as countless others, off to the love of God. They may be physically here, but many will turn a blind eye, a deaf ear to you.
Yes, we have the freedom of speech. Yes, we can openly show our support upon the walls of our social media. But don't let worldly views cloud the lens of a view much greater then this, with rewards that last an eternity.
We call ourselves Christians, but some of our actions tell a different story. Here we are just hours away from Easter- one of the most pivotal moments in the Christian faith. Let us allow our old selves die with Christ-- our sins have already been nailed to the cross-- and let us rise anew with Christ!
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." -Ps. 19:14
"Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful." 2 Timothy 2:23-24
"Sometimes when we do something we are unqualified to do, it qualifies us."
Please note, "they" does not mean homosexuals -- it refers to sinners as a whole.
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