I have a follow up appointment with my OB next week. Pathology is running tests to see if we could possibly find answers as to what happened to our baby. Maybe we will receive answers pointing to why we have had two recurrent miscarriages. There are thoughts that maybe it was chromosomal in which we would receive some insight; but that would ultimately just mean that it was a fluke and that there was no way to prevent it or avoid it in the future.
At this point, I have no real longing to know what happened. Knowing what happened to one baby and not the other breaks my heart. I will accept answers, but I am not seeking them out on my own.
Losing my babies has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, yet it has also been on the greatest things for my faith walk. Being able to press into Jesus has brought me deeper than I have ever been. Even looking back one month ago to where I am now amazes me.
The longing for a baby has not gone away. We still wish to be parents. We still wish to bring a child into this world that shares our DNA. But it is not a sole focus for us. It is not a be all end all. We want a baby, but we also know we can be parents through other measures, such as foster care.
--
It has been one month since I stopped carrying my sweet child. The emotions that the past month have held have been some of the deepest valleys I have traveled through to date. The hormone crash, the uncertainty of my own body, still in limbo between maternity clothes and pre-maternity clothes. The struggle is real. The emotions have been raw. But my God is good. Pressing into God and trusting in Him to lead me on this journey. It has not always been easy, and sometimes it is not even the first means I turn to. But when I find that quiet place with Jesus ... I can sink into his presence and share the depths of my heart without fear of judgement or fear that I'll be misunderstood or say the wrong thing. I can be real. I can be raw. I can share exactly what my heart feels and what my mind needs to say. And I am loved! I am met right where I am. God sees me and knows my every tear.
--
Having a hope of being a foster mom has been extremely helpful in this healing journey. Being able to have a focus external to us has been so good for me. Knowing that I can honor my babies by turning our nursery into a home of hope and healing for other children who have experienced a hurting and broken world feels like the absolute best thing for this momma heart.
--
We will have our rainbow baby. We will hold a child in our arms. I pray that I will never have to experience another loss of losing my own child. I have said goodbye to two foster children and two biological babies in the past 2 years. Foster care will come with more goodbyes. But those are happier goodbyes. Those are not always a goodbye forever.
--
In this season we wait. We hope. We praise. We continue to press on with daily life. We continue to see God first. We continue to love.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Nine Months Later: A Reflection on Marriage
It has been nine months since my husband and I exchanged our "I Do's" and pledged ourselves to each other in the good times and the bad, through sickness and in health, until death do us part.
When we began preparing for marriage, there is no way we could have been prepared for what the last nine months have held for us. I've often heard couples say that marriage is hard; and shortly after marriage, I am convinced that this is true, but that there is no way for one to understand what is meant, or to truly understand the reality of it, until one experiences marriage for themselves. My husband and I poured over books, sought advice, and prayed together in the days, weeks and months leading up to our wedding. Then I walked down the aisle and within thirty minutes, all of the time spent devoted to making this day a reality came together and we were Mr. and Mrs.
Reflecting over the past nine months of marriage, we have had good times and bad times. We have weathered many storms. I wish I could say with confidence that the worst of the storms are behind us, but that would be too naive on my part. There is certainly no certainty in what the future holds. We are only beginning.
What we have been through has made us stronger. That is not to say that it has not shaken us. We have committed our lives together and have promised that no matter what happens in life, we are on the same team; we need to fight for us and not against each other.
We process things differently. We look at what is going on in our lives differently. We have opposing expectations at times. We have learned through trial and error how to communicate and still we find ourselves lacking thorough communication at times.
I had no expectations that we would have marriage figured out within our first year. I have a mindset that I will be a life long learner with my husband -- perhaps that is one of those expectations in life that I need to make sure that I am communicating with my husband... I want to grow with him, explore with him, learn new things together with him.
While marriage is harder than I ever could have imagined, marriage is also the best thing I have ever experienced as well. I am married to my best friend. We share our deepest secrets and hopes with each other. We go on adventures together. We rely on each other in the good times and the trying times. We help each other grow into better people - not just as a husband and a wife, but also as a son, a daughter, a friend, an employee, and so much more!
I cannot imagine my life being married to anyone else - I have no desire to even try. While some days are harder than others, I know that at the end of the day, and every morning when I wake up ... my husband is by my side.
Communication is key for us; when we fail to communicate our hopes, dreams, desires, or expectations, there are often times hurt feelings. We have moments where our communication is amazing, and there are moments where we are still learning!
Every day I choose my husband. Every day my love for him increases. God knew what he was doing when he brought the two of us together. As Proverbs 27:17 reads, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." I see this at work in our marriage. I see myself as a better, stronger, individual because of the relationship I have with my husband. Being married to my husband is one of my greatest joys!
Thursday, June 7, 2018
Trust and Surrender: What's Next
The realization that had we not lost our babies, my relationship with God would not have gone as deep as it has.
At the advise of my wise mother in law, I purchased Alyssa Quilala's book Mending Tomorrow. Within 30 minutes of receiving the book I was immersed with the gold nuggets contained within.
Today's reading began with Psalm 112:7 -
"They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
It immediately took me back to May 11th -- that one day we were at the doctors office, I was laying on the table, holding my husbands hands when we heard, "there is no heartbeat."
--
As the tech and doctor put in orders for another scan and prepped another room, I held onto my husband and we began praying and praising.
--
The fact that we got called back to the room 30-45 minutes after our initial appointment time. The fact that my doctor asked first thing if we wanted an early ultrasound (instead of using the Doppler to find a heartbeat). The fact that although we got there late my doctor caught the ultrasound tech right as she was walking out the door. Everything fell into place. God was holding us all along. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything had been aligned for us for God's greater glory. The fact that we did not have to try to find a heartbeat at the appointment and then have to live through the weekend for a scan the following week was a complete God-thing. We rejoice in that!
--
Finding joy and having hope in everyday comes easy at moments and feels impossible at other times.
--
Knowing that if we never had lost June or Nolan, that my intimacy with God likely never would have reached this depth. I miss my babies like crazy, but I cannot image my life without my relationship with God.
--
Hope exists. Hope that one day we will have a baby of our own to hold. Yet not solely focusing on that.
There are children out there, desperate for a home, desperate for love. My husband and I were planning on pursuing foster care licensure. I had walked the journey of being a foster mom prior to getting married .. and here we are again considering embarking once again on this journey. I have lost babies. These children have lost a whole lot more -- their family, their home, the life they have known. If my husband and I can enter into their broken hearts and be the middle momma and daddy that they need to heal, then please let us be that for them.
No rush. It will take some time to get licensed. It gives us something to hope for while our hearts heal. I am not entirely sure what will happen, but the process is beginning. We trust that God will guide us as we venture on this journey.
God did not take away my babies, but I pray that through their passing, they may be honored and that my faith is made stronger.
So here we stand. Surrendering. Ready for the next step of the journey.
7
At the advise of my wise mother in law, I purchased Alyssa Quilala's book Mending Tomorrow. Within 30 minutes of receiving the book I was immersed with the gold nuggets contained within.
Today's reading began with Psalm 112:7 -
"They will have no fear of bad news;
their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
It immediately took me back to May 11th -- that one day we were at the doctors office, I was laying on the table, holding my husbands hands when we heard, "there is no heartbeat."
--
As the tech and doctor put in orders for another scan and prepped another room, I held onto my husband and we began praying and praising.
--
The fact that we got called back to the room 30-45 minutes after our initial appointment time. The fact that my doctor asked first thing if we wanted an early ultrasound (instead of using the Doppler to find a heartbeat). The fact that although we got there late my doctor caught the ultrasound tech right as she was walking out the door. Everything fell into place. God was holding us all along. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything had been aligned for us for God's greater glory. The fact that we did not have to try to find a heartbeat at the appointment and then have to live through the weekend for a scan the following week was a complete God-thing. We rejoice in that!
--
Finding joy and having hope in everyday comes easy at moments and feels impossible at other times.
--
Knowing that if we never had lost June or Nolan, that my intimacy with God likely never would have reached this depth. I miss my babies like crazy, but I cannot image my life without my relationship with God.
--
Hope exists. Hope that one day we will have a baby of our own to hold. Yet not solely focusing on that.
There are children out there, desperate for a home, desperate for love. My husband and I were planning on pursuing foster care licensure. I had walked the journey of being a foster mom prior to getting married .. and here we are again considering embarking once again on this journey. I have lost babies. These children have lost a whole lot more -- their family, their home, the life they have known. If my husband and I can enter into their broken hearts and be the middle momma and daddy that they need to heal, then please let us be that for them.
No rush. It will take some time to get licensed. It gives us something to hope for while our hearts heal. I am not entirely sure what will happen, but the process is beginning. We trust that God will guide us as we venture on this journey.
God did not take away my babies, but I pray that through their passing, they may be honored and that my faith is made stronger.
So here we stand. Surrendering. Ready for the next step of the journey.
7
Friday, June 1, 2018
Three Weeks Later
I barely blinked and the past three weeks are gone. The past three weeks have literally been a haze as I have tried to navigate through grief. It has been messy. It has hurt. It has been so insanely all over the place emotionally.
Moving forward has happened regardless of whether I have been ready for it or not. I wanted time to stand still to some degree. I wanted to feel what I was feeling yet not miss any of what life had to offer. Life moved on while I stood still. I did the best I could in the circumstances I had.
Putting on a smile and carrying on is what I am good with. I am comfortable there. Sharing the depth of the hurt and pain is a challenge for me. Sharing the most intimate parts of this journey with my husband; growing, navigating, learning to move through the current. Easy has never been part of this journey.
Some days are incredibly hard. Some moments I just want to curl up in a ball and ugly cry. Other moments I find peace and enjoy the quiet stillness of the day.
My nursery is fully furnished and my sweet baby's "Noley Bear" (the Black Bear stuffed animal that I bought my baby as his first souvenir as we ventured out West together) sits wearing a "You are my Sunshine" cloth diaper on the changing table. Most days the nursery door is closed; not because of the pain, but simply due to not air conditioning a room that isn't used. I prefer the door open because I enjoy glancing at the room where our eventual baby will come to reside.
Grieving the loss of my own babies is nothing like anything I have ever experienced. I did foster care for over a year and had two littles come and go. When they left I had a brief period of grieving. But I knew they were back with family and that they would be alright. It was a good bye, but it was not a permanent separation like miscarriage is. My foster littles are still out living their lives with their families and my sweet June and Nolan are dancing with Jesus.
I am thankful that my nursery is fully prepped and ready to receive a baby. I sit in my glider and find great healing. I think my days of fostering has helped prepare me for losses such as these. In that respect I am extremely thankful for the journey I have walked.
I do not have all the answers, heck, I do not even think I have any of the answers. But I know God is in control.
We do not know what caused the loss of June or Nolan. We may have some answers in the next few weeks regarding Nolan, but regardless of cause, my love does not change. My babies knew my heartbeat from the inside. I held my babies every single day of their short life. One day I will have a baby to share with the world. For now though, my husband and I draw close to each other and close to God. We have picked up dancing as a means to bond and cope in this season. After two nights we are thoroughly enjoying ourselves and looking forward to continuing to learn and heal together!
Moving forward has happened regardless of whether I have been ready for it or not. I wanted time to stand still to some degree. I wanted to feel what I was feeling yet not miss any of what life had to offer. Life moved on while I stood still. I did the best I could in the circumstances I had.
Putting on a smile and carrying on is what I am good with. I am comfortable there. Sharing the depth of the hurt and pain is a challenge for me. Sharing the most intimate parts of this journey with my husband; growing, navigating, learning to move through the current. Easy has never been part of this journey.
Some days are incredibly hard. Some moments I just want to curl up in a ball and ugly cry. Other moments I find peace and enjoy the quiet stillness of the day.
My nursery is fully furnished and my sweet baby's "Noley Bear" (the Black Bear stuffed animal that I bought my baby as his first souvenir as we ventured out West together) sits wearing a "You are my Sunshine" cloth diaper on the changing table. Most days the nursery door is closed; not because of the pain, but simply due to not air conditioning a room that isn't used. I prefer the door open because I enjoy glancing at the room where our eventual baby will come to reside.
Grieving the loss of my own babies is nothing like anything I have ever experienced. I did foster care for over a year and had two littles come and go. When they left I had a brief period of grieving. But I knew they were back with family and that they would be alright. It was a good bye, but it was not a permanent separation like miscarriage is. My foster littles are still out living their lives with their families and my sweet June and Nolan are dancing with Jesus.
I am thankful that my nursery is fully prepped and ready to receive a baby. I sit in my glider and find great healing. I think my days of fostering has helped prepare me for losses such as these. In that respect I am extremely thankful for the journey I have walked.
I do not have all the answers, heck, I do not even think I have any of the answers. But I know God is in control.
We do not know what caused the loss of June or Nolan. We may have some answers in the next few weeks regarding Nolan, but regardless of cause, my love does not change. My babies knew my heartbeat from the inside. I held my babies every single day of their short life. One day I will have a baby to share with the world. For now though, my husband and I draw close to each other and close to God. We have picked up dancing as a means to bond and cope in this season. After two nights we are thoroughly enjoying ourselves and looking forward to continuing to learn and heal together!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)