Good Riddence to that of Ole

Let mine eyes rest upon You, Oh Lord.


So many new beginnings. So many changes. So much that I didn't think was going to happen but God did.


Resting. Breathing. Following His lead and His timing.


I've held so many personal beliefs that "I am not going to do such and such until such and such is done." While these were made with an intention to catapult me towards greatness and launch me to obtain goals, it also acted as a wall and it hindered me from applying myself whole heartedly towards certain things until "it was achieved."


I don't have those anymore. My goals have been obtained. As I paid that last lump sum on my student loans, I am free of my own chains. It was my last ultimatum. It was the last promise I made to myself that I "would not until ...".


Now I can. Now I can freely and wholly apply myself to the beautiful things that God has in store for me without that shadow of "but first I must."


I was getting discouraged because I always had a clear vision to pay my student loans off by May 2016. Yet as that day got closer and I had only paid the minimum amount due the past 10 months I was telling myself that it was a noble effort, but clearly not feasible. Then it hit me. That drive and that peace that says to pay them off. God's got this.


So now here I am, several months in to a new season of life, and I am thriving. All that the word has thrown at me says that this isn't possible. Somehow God made it all work. And I am thankful.


I am looking forward to this new season and the beauty that it will bring. I am excited to pursue love without strings. I am excited to give of myself purely and not worry about standing up to my own expectations or hurdling over my own walls.


God is so good. And He has given me the desires of my heart. We are a team. And He is faithful and true.

As the Seasons Change

Not as strong as I come off .. yet stronger than I think.


I love life. But there are just moments that just get the best of me. It is going on week three of battling something that keeps floating around. Allergies? A cold? A mix of the two? Neither? I don't know. It comes and just as I think I am getting over it, another bout of something the same yet different hits.


This season is trying.


Work, school, family, friends, me! Balance.


I find lots of time to read. My book is now my go to above Netflix.


Spending some time absorbing wisdom and challenging me to grow into a better and healthier me.


Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Mentally. Drained and exhausted. Seeking recharge and refuel.


So many thoughts without any real direction of applying them on paper.


Wanting to write and having brilliant ideas during the wee hours of the night as I try to drift to sleep. Scribbling little bits on paper only to wake and realize I was too vague in what was really trying to be said.


Never having enough hours in the day to do all I want to do. Doing all the things I don't need to be doing during those awake hours. Slowly finding balance and rhythm and clarity.


I applied to go back to college. I want to go into Social Work. I want to make a difference. I want a degree.


That isn't to say I can't do any of the above where I am, because I feel like I am. Yet I don't ever want to settle. I don't want to just leave what is as just what it is. I want to go and go and go until I can't go any more.


Fear has gripped a lot of possibility away from me. Fear that my intentions were wrong. Fear that I would fail. Fear of what the world thought of me. Fear of my peers. So much fear.


I'll fail everything I don't even try. I won't give up before I've begun.


Go getter. Determined. Passionate. I'll embrace these qualities. I'll never settle for less than I know I am capable of. I'll sit back in due seasons but I'll always press for excellence.


My motives and my heart are between me and God. I'll follow His every lead. I'll dance with him and when he pushes I step back. When he pulls I step forward. I trust in His divine lead. I trust in his heavenly song. I'll follow as I am called to do.


This season has me right on the edge. God is Good and He is faithful. His hand I will forever hold. I may try to let go at times thinking that I've got this .. but I am so dependent on my Abba. He is always there to catch me when I fall .. he answers when I call .. He takes me hand long after I've let go and made thinks a mess. But He loves me just the same.