Who I am and where I am going... ish.

Just completely confuzzeled. Just when I am starting to feel that I have a grasp on life, something else comes my way. A great reminder that I won't ever have it figured out and that I need to rest ever so contently in God's loving embrace. Always.

The decisions that should be so simple, it appears, are in reality some of the biggest burdens I carry in life.

Take heart, Dear One, I have gone before you and I go behind you, holding you, guiding you, loving you all the way. Trust. Surrender. Give it all to me. 

A loving reminder from my God as the message has gone from Be still! to now it is Prepare! A time of preparation is upon me. A time of adventure and growth. Time for character building experiences. God knew. He knows the plans He has for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Made in His perfect image. A temple of the Holy Spirit. 

30 Days of Thanks

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, and November is almost over, now is a good enough time as any to share what I am more thankful for not just today, or this month, but always. [in no particular order]

1) I am thankful for my God. I am thankful that even when I fail to acknowledge Him, He is always there ready for me to come back to Him, to accept Him into my heart and life. When I look back on some of my "darker days" I can see God was there all the way, watching over me, guiding me, leading me along the road to Him!

2) I am thankful for the freedom to worship God. While praying out loud or in public places is not allowed, or is just severely frowned upon, I can still sit in a coffee shop or library or even college reading my Bible. I can pray silently to myself. I can pray openly and aloud with friends and ones in need of prayer as long as they are open and receptive to it. I can go to church and freely lift my hands and give all the glory, honor and praise to God--that belong to Him alone! Freedom from judgement, freedom from fear, freedom from running and hiding, freedom to be open about my faith in God!

3) Thankful for my family. Sure we don't always agree or see eye to eye, but I have been blessed with a family that always made sure I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. My family taught me about God and it is because of that foundation that I am thankful for God and the freedom to worship so freely and wholly!

4) My dear, dear friends. I am thankful for each and every person who has come into my life. Whether you stayed a day, or have been in my life for years. Having friends has helped teach me much about myself in regards to love, communication, balance, honesty, self confidence, and trust [just to name a few]. Even when we have had disagreements, we have worked hard to get thru them and over them. Sometimes we have just had to agree to disagree; others we have had to part ways at this time. No matter the circumstances, please know that y'all have played a vital role in where I am, and whom I am, today! I am sorry if I have been less then a friend to you lately. I am working on finding that balance one again and getting back out there and working on maintaining and building relationships!

5) Answered prayers. I am thankful that even when the answer is not what I wanted, in hind sight, I can see just how much more God knew about the situation then me and gives me only what He sees best!

6) My job. I am thankful for a place to work, a place where I can make an income. Thankful that is pays the bills, pays for schooling and there is some for spending on not only myself but on my friends as well.

7) Thankful for natural remedies that make me feel better. [Yey Herbalife!]

8) Thankful for school. A place I can go and further my education. A place where I can experience diversity and it pulls and pushes on my very core and beliefs.

9) Thankful for my phone so that I can stay connected with friends and family.

10) Thankful for my talents to play piano and knit.

11) Thankful for my car which gets me places; church, work, school, friends, family.

12) Thankful that I can read and write.

13) Thankful for electricity. As fun as I think it would be to use candle light, I am thankful that it is not something that needs to be used all the time.

14) I am thankful for snow. It is so beautiful. Also thankful that it is the end of November and there hasn't been any devestating horrible snow storms yet. :)

15) Thankful for the Christmas season. It brings people together! It is the time we celebrate the birth of Christ who came that we all may live!

16) Thankful for my dad and all he does to help and encourage me thru life.

17) Thankful for those friends who have helped me out in a time of need; even when they haven't known I was in need. With an invite to dinner, a time to hang out, a conversation over a cuppa joe.

18) Thankful for this past year. I've been more places this year then ever before, met new people, it has certainly been the year of the most inner growth.

19) Thankful for annoyances. It is those little pet peeves that remind me that I am human and that with the help and grace of God, I can overcome anything.

20) Thankful to be completely off anti-depressants and prescription drugs for almost a year and a half!!!!!

21) Thankful for mistakes. And the grace that has been shown to me in them. And what I have learned from them.

22) Thankful for safety. There is obviously a bigger picture and mission that must be fulfilled because I am still here. ;)

23) Thankful for shoes. Pretty shoes, useful shoes, fun shoes!

24) Thankful for my health!

25) Thankful for running and my running buddy and my running enouragment!

[To do]

Being so consumed with one thing, that [almost] all else gets forgotten. Time for self-discipline, motivation, determination, and less screen time. Homework, here I come. Only 2 full weeks of class, then 2 finals. I.have.this.

[Consistency]

I ran into someone who I haven't seen in years. I never would have thought this person was Christian back in the day. Yet here we were at church for the young adults ministry. It got me thinking. I want to be consistent. I want anyone and everyone that I encounter to know that I am a Christ follower. Without a shadow of a doubt, I am God's daughter and I know it. Not in a preachy, holier then thou way at all. But in such a way that I an confident in who I am in Christ and there is no shame in sharing Christ, the Gospel, God, what God is doing in my life with others and so on and so forth. That I do this with such passion and conviction and love! I know that we go thru seasons. I know that we go thru things to build and strengthen our testimony so we can witness to others. And I got to see that firsthand tonight. That who someone was, or thought to be, has come a long way and is now living boldly and courageously for the LORD. Each day is a new day, a day to make the choice to reread last page and dwell on it, or turn the page and start today anew. It takes courage. It takes confidence. It takes rebuking satan and turning wholeheartedly to God. It takes choosing between God or self. It isn't easy. But it is SO incredibly rewarding. The choice is yours.

^_^

Despite the busy life I've committed to, I still find a way to add more responsibilites and obligations onto it.

God's Words

Reading 1 Chronicles 20 tonight, verses 9-13 really spoke to me tonight.

"Then the Lord spoke to Gad, David's seer, in these words: 'Go tell David: Thus says the LORD: I offer you three alternatives; choose one of them, and I will inflict it on you."
Accordingly, Gad went to David and said to him: "Thus says the LORD: Decide now--will it be three years of famine; or three months of fleeting from your enemies, with the sword of your foes ever at your back; or three days of the LORD's own sword, a pestilence in the land, with the LORD's destroying angel in every part of Israel? Therefore choose: What answer am I to give him who sent me?" Then David said to Gad: "I am in dire straits. But I prefer to fall into the hand of the LORD, whose mercy is very great, then to fall into the hands of men."

I was just like "Wow!" When I read it, I was like "If I were in that position, what would I choose??" David's reply just totally struck a cord deep within my being. I want to think like him. I want to be so connected with God, so understanding of Him, know Him, to fully surrender my life to HIM! And to trust in His love and mercy so wholly!

Surrendering my life to Him is a daily choice, a daily inner, selfish, trying battle. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
 

Life

To not fall prey to where I've been before. To learn from the past, to not repeat it.

Sometimes I just feel I get so comfortable with how great life is, that instead of staying focused on God [cause it is only Him who delivered me from the depth of my own self], I turn to what got me into the funk to begin with.

[Those Times]

I thought it was just me. I thought I was just going through another one of those challenging seasons. That I was once against creating more drama then needed. That I wanted to be alone, but when it came down to it, I actually didn't want to be alone.

It can be challenging just having *me time.* It is a struggle to put on praise and worship music, to sit quietly, to read my bible, to pray. I constantly feel as though I am on the go. I have plans for the entire day. Then if they are cancelled, I quickly find, or try to find, something else to fill this new void with.

Why is it so hard to sit in the classroom of silence? Why is it so hard to give a few moments of the day solely to God? Am I afraid to hear God's voice? Am I afraid to hear where He wants to send me?

In these moments of listening only to myself, I end up in some rather difficult places. I end up hurt, I look to people to make me happy, lead me, guide me, inspire, motivate, encourage me. But this fulfillment lasts only a few short minutes. Then I am crushed, depressed, angry, upset and withdraw. But the withdrawing doesn't lead to a renewed relationship with my Maker. No... the quiet moments are spent absorbed in cleaning, watching tv, weeding my little garden, cooking, baking, using the internet, driving. And while many of these things can indeed be used to bring God honor and glory, I fail to do that. I fail to dedicate my day to God. I fail to converse with my Creator.

I have the tools I need. I have the resources. I have the time, the energy, the will, the want, the need, the desire. But still. Sinful, human, nature takes over and it becomes all about me.

Kneeling before my God. Kneeling before my LORD, my Savior. Kneeling before Him who made me. Humbling myself. Turning from selfish desires, turning from ways that bring me hard, turning wholeheartedly to my ABBA, my GOD!

I was thinking earlier today... we all have a purpose for being here. We all have a role that only we can fulfill. I mean, w h y did God put us here now? Why weren't we here 40 years ago? Why not 200 years ago? Why not 10 years from now? Why n o w? He clearly knows so much better then me. There is something that only we can accomplish, not just on our own, but together.

I know I am not alone. I know that there are so many hurting people out there. It isn't that I need to fit in with my peers, it is that I need to be known by those int he community, it isn't even that I am known as a holy Christ follower who attends church regularly. It is who I am in Christ. It is who I put my faith and trust in. It is how much I allow God to work in and thru me; advancing His kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven. 

Shed Some Light on That

That moment when I should be doing homework and studying but instead I use the grand opportunity to blog? Yes, that one.

It really isn't even all that difficult. Except that I have 3 test coming up on Thursday and I have to actually memorize my definitions and art significances. As well as memorize spelling for Epithelial and Connective tissues. I don't think it will fly to write "The first one that starts with 'A'" or "The Ha..or is is Hy one" or "the tissue that is dense" or even "the tissues that looks like chicken wire."

I should take the time to actually learn this, right? I am quite pleased that I actually know that much! I am quite happy at the amount of information that has been retained! God continually blesses me with an understanding and I couldn't be happier. I just need to continue to study. :) And trust in Him!

So here I am at starbucks. I've been sitting here for an hour and have already been quite productive. I know know more about Bill Clinton then I knew 2 hours ago! [The j o y of Public Speaking class?]

I look outside the window and see such a glorious view. Lately I have been so utterly fascinated by the clouds, the skies that God so magnificently displays for us. Such a beauty to behold!

The small things in life are what I want to enjoy, embrace! Taking time to stop and smell the roses.

Last night I was so very blessed to go up to my friend's family cottage. I've been there before on a personal retreat, but this time it was for 22 highschool seniors on retreat and they needed women chaperones. What a blessing of an experience. I got to witness the generosity and love of such a Godly family pour into the lives of 22 high-schoolers. It is an example that I want to live up to.

We all have those people in our life who shine the light of Christ, fan our flame for the Lord, inspire us, motivate us, encourage us to be better people. I have such wonderful people in my life. I pray that God works thru me in such a way and uses me as an instrument to bring others close to HIM!

In the Hands of my Maker

"Lead me, Lord, lead me, Lord,
by the light of truth
to seek and to find the narrow way.
Be my way; be my truth;
be my life, my Lord,
and lead me, Lord, today."

If only I remembered these words daily, hourly, every second of every minute or every hour of every day. But I don't. I trust myself, rely on my own weakness and lead myself astray. Time, and time again.

Lately, I have been finding friendships, relationships, friends who are near and dear to me, drift away, drift apart. I seek, I strive, I put forth a grand effort to try to maintain these relationships, yet in the end, I am not anywhere to closer to where I was before. I try to fix these failing on my own. No words with God. No asking Him how to approach this. No asking Him to change my heart or shine light on myself in the areas where I fall short. No. Instead I jump in with both feet and make a bigger mess then what we started with.

"So much effort, so little out of it," I caught myself saying several days ago. "Can't I just stop being nice? Can't I just pick and choose a handful of people to be nice to and just ignore the rest of the world?" It was promptly followed by a "Yes! ... NO!!" Of course I cannot do that. A seething jealously has been brewing. A jealousy for all my task-oriented friends. Then came the "whys." Why cannot I be task oriented? Why cannot I just bury myself so much into the task at hand; it would certainly rid me of my procrastination." "I wouldn't be putting so much of myself out there and getting hurt" "Why, why, why...???"

During my morning commute the following couple of days, I was talking to God and mulling over these proud and un-God like thoughts that had popped into my head and words that were uttered from my lips.

One of my absolute favorite Bible verses is found in Revelations 3 verse 20. God ever so beautifully reminded me of it which provoked some deep thought and meditation. "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." It is Jesus, standing at the doors of our hearts, calling us my name. Never leaving. Waiting patiently. Constantly loving. I am called to love. I am called to love as Jesus (God) loves.

How many hearts are hardened to God's love for human kind?!? How many people openly turn their backs on Him? How many people have tasted His love and mercy but chose a different path. Yet He still stands at their hearts, calling their name; never giving up! Talk about a smack right in between the eyes! Who am I to think I can give up on being nice? Who am I to pick and choose a few choice people and love them and show them Christ's love only? That is certainly not a Christ-like love. Just as Christ loves all and never gives up, I, too, seek to love everyone as Christ loves. Even when it is challenging. Never giving up. 

I am whom God has made me to be. There is a mission that only I can fulfill. How often this is forgotten. I don't know what lies ahead. I don't know the path God has willed for me.

Sit. Be still. Listen.

God is revealing to me little by little what He wants for me. What He wants to give me. It takes faith, trust, patience.

To be so utterly consumed by Him! To be so on fire for the Lord, burning, blazing with a fire so pure, so sweet, so glorious. The Holy Spirit dwelling inside me. No worry, doubt, question. Complete peace, joy, understanding. An innocent child-like faith. To forever be in the Hands of the Lord, My God. To bring the love of Christ to all whom I encounter. From work, to school to the streets, to the grocery store, I pray that it is Christ's image I bear, and not my own.

How often I will need to be reminded of this. How honored I am to have a gentle, loving and merciful God who has taken my hand and waits for me when I choose to let go when I become sidetracked or think I know the way better!

" Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."


The journey is not easy, but the end result will be so worth it.


 

It is that time of year again. Another semester of college has begun. Yet this semester, after only the first day, has been wrought with trial, decisions, and other odds and ends. The latest is that one of my classes may be too far advanced for me. Must learn a little more about Anatomy and Physiology before I attempt to take this class. First goal: talk to my professor in the morning to determine if I stay or drop. I would be content having an extremely light load this semester. The only downside that I can see is that instead of graduating in April/May I would graduate mid-June so I have time to squeeze these missed credits in.

How absolutely relieved I am to know that God has already gone before me. That He knew this would happen. That He already knows what is going to happen. I can talk about what I want, what would be nice, and all that, but ultimately, when left to my own accord, it is nothing but a disaster. I need God. I need to surrender my own wants and desires to do what He wants me to do.

Until next time. :)
-Me!

Thoughts

Resting and icing. Rest some more. Ice some more.
It has been 6 whole days since my last run. I don't like this one bit.
I long to have the road, dirt, gravel underneath my feet!

The saying "You are only one run away from a good mood" is 100% true. My days go SO much better after my morning runs. I eat better, I sleep better, I have so much more energy. These days of no run really, really, really is taking a huge toll on my well-being. This shin-splint needs to heal! I keep thinking it is getting better, then I step the *wrong* way and wham! pain! Perhaps I should be a bit more diligent with keeping my leg wrapped and iced?

I am going to strive harder to get on my bike. I have it on my trainer in the garage, but don't always have the motivation to get on it regularly. I would l o v e to take it to the trail; the only things stopping me? Well, first, it is awfully hard to get it into my car. Second, if there is a flat tire, I am not sure I know the necessary means of repairing it. I would love to ride with someone who is experienced. Just for safety reasons.


This is my last week of summer vacation. I have thoroughly enjoyed my summer. I have loved 4 whole months of no homework. Just dedicating myself to work and building my social life. I have built more solid relationships. I have spent more time just being content with live. More time for God. More time with God. More time discovering and becoming the woman whom God has made. In a way, it is hard to believe that summer has flown by, yet at the same time, I am accepting more and more that time just goes by so very quickly.

With that realization, I want to take the time to appreciate everything, everyone, every moment that I have alone, with God, with people, with things. No taking time with people, places and things for granted. Appreciative. So thankful, grateful, for what I have, whom I have, in my life. <3

1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Life atop the Ground

Running. Running. Running. More and more and more. Fast pace. Slow pace. Run. Run. Run. 

What a joy it has been since I started running. While I can only run about .25 miles before I need a walk break, and my pace is 13.41 minutes to a mile, I am a runner. 

On August 5, 2012 I [ran] my first race. I had an incredible team who pushed and pulled, motivated, encouraged, and inspired me. COLOR RUN! Best time yet. 5k in 38 minutes. When I try to run that far on my own, I get it done in 42-46 minutes. 

How utterly blessed I am to have this ability to run. How blessed I am to have people in my life who support me all the way! Sure, there has been some suspicion of a shin splint in the left shin, but after almost 3 days of resting, icing, and light stretching, if all is well come morning, and I can get ut of bed early enough, I am going to attempt a short walk/speed walk/slow jog/run. Taking it slow, but not going to just sit around and loose what I have gained. [I r u n to loose what I've gained!]

My aunt who worked in the cancer clinic had a patient once say to her "A day above ground is a good day."

Indeed. How happy I am to be alive! I just celebrated another birthday- another year older. I was crying tears of joy that night because I am so so so happy and thankful to be alive. There were certainly dark days and weeks and months that occurred before I got to this point. Some days are still harder or better then others. But ultimately, God is good and He has brought me to this place, out of that place and I am thankful.

New Goals

Running ... running ... running ... Running, something I wanted to get into, so I tried. And failed magnificently. So, something I just thought I would never do. I honestly don't know when, or even why, something changed, but something shifted majorly. Here I am, 4 days before my first ever actual race. No big deal, eh? I am so extremely stoked! The more things I get involved in, the more things I apply myself to, the harder I push, the more risks I take, the more excited I get about living life and doing what I do. I haven't even ran this race yet. I haven't even reach 5k on my own runs (which is more like walking with an intermittent jog/run/sprint thrown in there. So as for this weekend's run, it should be relatively simple to finish within 45-50 minutes at most. New goal: Marathon. I need a date, I need a time, I need to commit. Something to work towards. The biggest fear is that this race will come and go, and that motivation to keep running will completely diminish, vanish, disappear. No. Not this time. I am going to continually look for more races. Run. Runn. Running! This time, I began preparing way to close to the actual race. Here I will start without a date in sight and know that one day (it would be great to run a marathon by fall 2012), I will achieve this new found passion and set goal. Determination. Perseverance. Pushing myself further and farther. Intense. God is so good. God has blessed me with the time, the energy, the schedule, the money, the place to run, and so so so much more. How utterly blessed I am.

Just [a] thought(s)

Ugh, SO frustrated [which is also a HUGE understatement]. It hurts so deeply to see a certain individual in dire need of the most love have a back turned on him/her. The ones who say "blood runs thicker then water" are just stepping aside and turning a blind eye, looking away, just being plain mean. In my mind, this situation requires the most love that can be mustered. To love like Jesus! What does it look like to love like Him? First off, who did Jesus spend most of His time with? The Bible gives clear examples of Him being with the lowly, the rejcts, the sinners, the sickly. Basically the ones that no one else wanted to be around. He was often criticized for being around them. Yet He is the Great Physician; "On hearing this, Jesus said to them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" Mark 2:17 Jesus is here to bring others to HIM! Who am I to judge a person and "see fit" that they aren't worthy of Jesus's love? I long for Jesus to live in me; if this is the case, wouldn't I just naturally be drawn to the sick and needy that others reject? What gets me, is that we are ALL called to love as Christ loves, to allow Jesus to live within us. Yet so often I see pride get in the way and it almost becomes a "I am following Him better then you are so thus I am more like Him and need more of Him then you." Perhaps this is all just my view point, but it saddens my heart so muchly. My continued goal is to continually seek to love as the Lord loves and seek out those who have no one else to love them and shine the light of Christ into their lives. Christ calls them to be His! My brothers and sisters. <3

Oi

Little bits here, little bits there. In some way or another, they all fit somewhere in the grand scheme of life. Revelations, confusions, new things, trying things. Head spinning, sleep much needed. Consistency. Perhaps one day it will all make some sort of sense.

Independence Day 2012

To be me. Just me. More often then not, I find myself in such a deep, contemplative thought. Small talk-what's that? Just cut to the chase and talk about deep theological things. No? My 4th of July has actually been quite amazing. From being woken up with the drumming on a pan lid, to being in the parade, to swimming. Overall with wonderful people. The night isn't over yet ... ending the night with baking cookies. Struggles about where I've been and what has happened in the past several years and the relations that stand as they are within certain perameters.... much hurt but also much peace. My life is great. How blessed I am to live among the free. To BE one of the free.

Here

Something has gotta give. Something has gotta go. Life is not being lived as it should be. Everytime it comes to *Making memories* all I can think of is "will this make a good facebook status?" I am tired of my online world. I am fed up with the desire to obtain "likes" to what I say. I am me. I am God's daughter. There is no need to be defined or identified by online popularity. But instead with what is in my heart. Spending time with people one on one and in groups is SO much more important to me then what others think in an online world. Back to living in the here and now, the present moment. Basking in the richness and glory of it!

Pieces of the Puzzle

Lord, You are good, You are like none other. You amaze me. I sit in awe of Your greatness.

You speak to me, You love me, You grant me clarity. Such peace. Such sweetness. So much goodness.

I am not made to go thru this world alone. I sit completely speechless as you slowly but surely reveal such beautiful things to me.

By prayer and petition my request was made known to You. In patience I sit and you answer in Your most perfect timing! What You gave me weeks ago is slowly but surely being given a meaning.

This I do indeed believe, and I quote, "God is Fantastic!"

The musings of the moment

Gates, fenced in, latched, nothing in, nothing out. Rusty gates, too frail, too fragile to be opened or moved. Chain fence, white picket fence, heavy duty fences. All serving the purpose to keep the good in and the bad out. But what if the bad is in and the good is out? What if there is bad inside that needs to be let out- or there is good outside that needs to come in?

Opening the gate to allow the freedom to stay balanced with the good in and bad out. Yet still guarded from every angle. Not having such thick walls up and internalizing. Being able to open the gates that lead to the inside (the mouth perhaps...) but knowing how far to open it and when, as well as when not to open it.

-sigh-

It is amazing the correlation... when I lack in my relationship with God, earthy relationships suffer. But when I am seeking to strengthen my relationship with God, my earthy relationships flourish.

Setting boundaries, opening up, sharing the good and the bad in my life, communication, confrontation, forgiveness, love, loyalty, trusting, trust-worthy, dependable, merciful, generous....

My life feels as though it is shambles right now. Everything seems to be a struggle. Just trying to take it one day at a time and constantly strive to lay every. single. thing down at the foot of the cross.

I haven't been in the mood to talk lately. Just don't feel like opening up and trying to figure out what is happening internally. The result of this is that friendships, relationships, communication is lacking and suffering majorly. But then again, it all starts with God. Perhaps I need to open up more to God and try harder to surrender my life to Him.

Then again, maybe this is just the hormones talking.

Communication: A good starting point

Communication is key. What a beautiful things good communication is!

I've been watching "Switched at Birth" on Netflix today and it just appalls me with the lack of communication that is going on, and all the lies and secrets and waiting to say what needs to be said. Now, I do get that it is a tv show. It is meant to be as dramatic as it is. Yet at the same time, when watched with an open mind, it can be used to teach lessons.


Relationships, especially maintaining them, has seemed to become a struggle as of lately. I think the biggest thing is that there is lack of good communication. Things have happened over the recent past which in turn as resulted in hurt feelings, toes being stepped on, and walls and barriers being put up. I am certainly to blame at least to an extent in each of these circumstances.


Speaking up, speaking out, stating what is on my mind or in my heart has always been challenging, and as time goes by, it continues to be a struggle. Things have become so bottled up it seems within that even my journal lacks randomness and heart pouring. Basically every page has the same cry written from top to bottom on it, "Oh dearest Lord, I NEED YOU, please, please help me!"  And whilest that is indeed certainly true, there prolly needs some clearer communication.

Sitting in prayer the other day, I was telling God that I feel so lost. When clearer then clear, He told me that I have so many walls up that I simply cannot be lost. I need to let Him break down these walls in order for me to become fully lost within HIM! It was quite the humbling moment. I long to be so lost in God. I long to be so transparent. I long for closeness and oneness and unity with God!


Communication. Good communication. It starts between me and my Heavenly Father. <3 Then when that is full, it can overflow into all my relationships.

Words to live by

Some of the words that helped me and encouraged me and inspired me throughout the week. I wrote in my journal during the sermon, so the most of these are not exactly direct quotes, nor do I know who said them all... or any of them.

• First, I find it very fitting to put these lyrics hear. I swear this was the most sang, whistled, hummed song the entire trip (despite the fact that we never actually sang it as a whole).

"Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship you holy name
The sun comes up Its a new day dawning Its time to sing your song again What ever may pass and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worshhip your holy name
You're rich in love and you're slow to anger Your name is great and your heart is kind For all your goodness i will keep on singing 10,000 reasons for my heart to find
Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul
Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Soon my soul sing your praise un-ending 10,000 years and there forever more
Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship your holy name
Bless the lord oh my soul Oh my soul Worship his holy name Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship your holy name (repeat 3x)
Sing like never before Oh my soul I worship your holy name (repeat 3x)"

∞ Genesis 8:22
∞ James 1:2
∞ Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

• We all go through different seasons of life. Full, abundant, dry, unknowing. We will have ups and downs. Seasons always change. Even when we don't know the reasons why, or what will come next, or even what is happening now, all the different seasons are important. (We got thru dry spells to prepare us for where God calls us to go).

• Have joy in all things! We are tested and have trials. God allows us to walk thru seasons to make sure it is devotion, not emotion. To make sure that He can throw us into the deep end and we can swim.

• God acts out of who He is, not how He feels.

• The leaves fall off trees to focus on the roots. Shake leaves off (what people say, think, etc.) and get down to the roots and tend to them! Where am I planted??

• Stop seeking acceptance from those around me. God has already accepted me fully-- just as I am!

∞ Psalm 92:12-14
∞ Psalm 1:2

• As things happen in life, make sure it is God's Will. Consider Christ, the body of Christ, the church, and pray first and foremost.

• Plant a seed within me, Oh Lord! Let it bloom and blossom within, here and at home and the surrounding areas!

∞ Psalm 98

• Lead me, Lord! Be my strength when I am weak. Be my words when I am speechless. Be everything I long to be and everything I am not. I need you in good times and in bad!

∞ 2 Peter 3

∞ Jeremiah 29:11

• Fear is the most crippling thing.

• There is power within me.

∞ Acts 2:17

• Have the faith to spread the Gospel, power and love! Crush the fear bug!

• God doesn't want people to be sick. We are the vessel to heal people.

∞ 1 Timothy 1:5

∞ John 13

• Serving is the full extent of God's love.
• Serving doesn't always fit. It isn't always convenient. Be prepared for inconvenience. (We are born selfish, and serving goes against the grain of who we are. Serving is the renewing of the mind. We need to practice. We are the game changers).
• Serving is a mandate. (There are two bowls mentioned. One that Jesus uses to walk the feet of others, the other one that is used to wash hands [like washing hands of  particular situation]). 

• Complaining is okay. It is a good stress relief. But only complain when you are going to do something about it, going to change it!

Missions Trip 2012 Part I

Oh where to begin .. this past week has been quite extraordinary.

How honored I am to be a part of such a wonderful college group that is so on fire for the Lord and strives and seeks to see the Lords face, following in His footprints all the days of their lives, trusting in His word, relying not on our own strength, but instead on a power that is so beyond human understanding.

Here I sit, sitting almost all day long. I am at work, but in those "not needed immediately" points, here I sit, staring, staring at my computer screen, my knitting, writing in my journal all day long. Quite the opposite of what the past week has been. The past week there was literally no time to sit like I've been doing. We were actually moving about so much that by Wednesday we were in desperate need of a short nap for energy to get us thru the evening (okay, perhaps I cannot speak for the team as a whole, but that is certainly what I felt like and over heard one or two other people express verbally). Back home. Home Sweet Home. But how I long to be back with the community of the Dream Center in Baton Rouge. How that week stirred my heart, moved me, changed me, opened my eyes and my heart to sometime so far beyond the life that I live.

I woke up this morning and almost had a mindset that last weeks Missions trip did not happen. Like it was just a small portion of my life that I did for a week-- that it was last week, not something that will be a change for the, my, future!

I seek to go out into my own community and serve more often. I long to take what I learned and apply it to my here and now. Last week certainly did not start out easy. There were many, many firsts. I had actually never prayed aloud for anyone that I don't know and just met for the first time. I never walked up to someone and said "Jesus love you!" "Would you like me to pray for you today?" Or anything of the like. For many months I was observing others, yet avoiding it if and/or when I may need to step up. Even on the first night of out reach in Baton Rouge. I made sure I was near the back of the line to avoid knocking on doors saying "Dream Center" and then proceeding to tell them about the night of fellowship down the road. In all honesty, I had no idea what to say. When put on the spot (which did indeed happen a time or two) I was completely speechless and just kind of motioned down the road and may have mumbled out "hotdog dinner" or something to that extent. When we had extra hotdogs and pizza after dinner that night, we went door to door offering the left overs to the surrounding families. I was handed a pizza box and asked "You wanna take this one?" I was near a panic attack on the inside, and held the pizza box but practically stood frozen in my spot. Thank God another one of my team members just marched up there, took the pizza box from me and handed it to the gentleman there and prayed for him. This was only the first day. We had many more out reaches the rest of the week.

Even by Wednesday, I was still a little hesitant to just approach someone and just flat out ask if they needed prayer. But, to make a long story short, I was approaching people by the end of the morning and two of my fondest memories are as follows:

A dear sister in Christ and I walked up to a man and asked him if He would like pray for anything specific. He had such a huge smile on his face and just said that he would like to thank God for the blessings that he had in his life! Second, we walked up to another man and just were talking about life and our college plans and where he has been and his plans that he had wished to accomplish in college but never got to them. We prayed with him and as we got up to leave, he pulled us back towards us and said that he wanted to pray for us. It honestly moved me to tears!

The majority of the week was a blur, but come Friday morning, almost the entire week had gone by and I had no idea what my purpose was for being on this trip. I had no idea what I was doing or how on earth I could even be having an impact on this team or the people. I felt as though I hardly knew how to pray seeing as it was completely foreign to me. I was totally lacking confidence in walking up to people and introducing myself and carrying on a conversation. Just overall I was in a pretty bad place. One of my nearest and dearest friends noticed and we began talking and then she prayed for me. She encouraged me to just look out at the people who were there before me and the one that I noticed, just go and walk up to him/her. I immediately noticed one woman with a cart. As I walked towards her, a man stepped out in front of me with the biggest smile and just began thanking me and telling me how glad he was to see me again. I had to be reminded that I had met him and prayed with him the previous Wednesday. I was shocked. But again, we prayed and we talked. He could not stop smiling! He is one of the biggest sweethearts I know!

After conversing with Dennis for a good while, I approached the lady with the cart. Unfortunately, she declined prayers, but I was able to talk with other people in line and spend some time with the sweet children!

As I went back inside, I was drawn towards a man sitting there eating his hotdog. I approached him and asked if I could pray with him. His name is Peter. I really wish that I could have understood the people that I talked to better. What I understood from Peter, is that he does street evangelizing. He shares the word of God with his fellow brothers and sisters he meets along the road. We talked and prayed and then I went off to play with the children and just talk to other people. As it neared the time that we were to leave, Peter pulled me aside and just complimented and encouraged me over and over again. He built me up. He kept saying that even though I could have ignored him, I did not. I went up and talked with him and that God will bless me for that. That our team is doing wonderful things and that we will be blessed for that. We have beautiful spirits and God is pleased. And the list goes on and on and on (again, from what I could understand that he was saying).

In this regard, I grew by leaps and bounds. I pray that as I venture out to serve my own community in the near future, that I can keep a free mindset and seek to go where God calls me to go! This is all just from a physical sense! My spirit has been in a constant battle. But God is so good!! Amen.

Where God has put me

I've heard Nursing Assistants referred to as "Certified Butt Wipers." This can indeed be quite true, sometimes more often then not.

One of those fleeting moments of walking past the mirror out of the bathroom and vanity slipping in. "You're too pretty for this." I actually stopped dead in my tracks. That was certainly not a voice from God.

Immediately I knew it was from the enemy and I thought a little deeper. Humbling indeed, but my job also makes me very thankful. I am thankful for my independence. I am thankful for the freedom to move about as I will. I am thankful that I have control over bodily functions. I am also young. I don't know where I will be in 50 years. I don't even know if I will live to see tomorrow. Perhaps one day I will be on the receiving end.


So, tonight I am not "too pretty to have this job." I am right where God wants me to be. Even if that involves doing rather unpleasant jobs in order to help someone who needs a little extra help.

Just today

Today is just kinda a strange day. Not really sure why. Woke up to a lovely phone call and them started my day. I can always get out of bed rather easily when I have somewhere to be. Just not much of a home-body at this point in my life.

I picked up a tube of black and a tube of white acrylic paints. Just some cheaper type things and have been doing some painting today. Perhaps this is another one of those passing stages that doesn't go anywhere. More art supplies to add to my art studio that is not even in the near future plans. It is just a wanna be. It will probably turn into a nursery before an art studio. Which says much considering that I am not exactly actively seeking any kind of relationship at this point in time.

Since the semester ended 6 weeks ago, I thought I for sure made the Dean's List. They must have changed the requirements from a 3.3 GPA to a 3.5 GPA or I was just wrong all along. Well, quite the disappointment to find out I got a 3.499 GPA. I heard on the radio today about a woman's breakfast coming up in a few weeks and "if you are woman who has ever struggled or are struggling with the feelings of discouragement, not feeling important, and that you cannot do better, then this is the place to be! Come join us and let go of these lies!" And I said "Thank you, Lord, that I feel good enough, important and that I am good enough for you have me where you want me." ... yea. Not even 6 hours later I see the news that I am 0.001% off from making the Dean's List. Those flooding emotions "well, if that isn't discouraging." "Why bother even trying anymore?" and the list goes on.

And sure, it is kinda disappointing and it would be nice to have credentials of the sort in today's society. Yet, it isn't personal gain that I am after in this world. I seek first and foremost the Kingdom of God. And I know that the effort that was put into last semester was not the absolute best that it could have been. So, in this moment, it is not a matter of being sad and depressed about being 0.001% away from being recognized in human eyes. Instead, praise and glory and honor go to God for blessing me with the opportunity to go to college, for blessing me with good enough grades to get my first scholarship (for having good grades, none-the-less), and above all else, the grace to accept this bump in the road with understanding and not falling into the oh-so-horrible trap of the enemy.

My painting today is just a wanna-be grey scale of a heart with 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 painted on. And while it is evident that I need some major practice, I am quite pleased with my first attempt at something of this kind. Just like my knitting and all the boxes of knits that I donated or threw away, my art is a work in progress. I remember when I was going thru my many strange things I attempted to knit and throwing many things out, my sister said something about all my things being wasted. I told her that if it wasn't for all those ugly things that have no meaning, I would not be able to knit as I knit now.

Everything in life takes practice. Things on this earth to things in our heart.

Patience, for example. I've been saying lately that I have prolly prayed for more patience in the past 3 days then I have ever before in my life. The reason being? My phone. For some strange reason, my phone just restarts for no obvious apparent reason. It got annoying real fast. Still praying for patience and wisdom and guidance with how to go about making it all better. :P

It just seems like a lot of little things are out to try to upset me. Being human, sometimes they win. But thru the Amazing Grace of God, I may stumble, but never quite fall ... except into the loving embrace of My Heavenly Father. :)

Around Me

The whisper amongst the chaos,
The chill on a blistering hot day,
The tap on the shoulder whilest alone,
The drops of rain on a sunny day,
The blossoms in the midst of a snowstorm,
The taste of food upon the lips in poverty.

A passing grade in a challenging class,
Arriving on time after getting stuck in traffic,
Cool water after a hard and trying workout,
Great sleep after a long day.

Standing amidst the birds of the sky,
Swimming with the fish in the depth of the seas,
Walking amongst the four-legged friends,
Laying in the grass observing the insects,
Noticing the sun catching the spiders and their webs so magnificently.

Aware and observing God's magnificent creations,   
Loving life and all the blessings God gives,
Receiving the joy and love and happiness the day brings,
Perfectly content to be alive and well.

God is here and ever so present,
I am in His embrace,
He is indeed all around me,
Showering me with grace.

Divine Appointments

Learning, growing, trying new things.

I have found myself in many uncomfortable situations lately. Situations where my "go with the flow, flexible" attributes seems to go out the window and cease to exist. Those moments where all I want to do is run, get out of there, be comfortable again.

Yet, life isn't meant to be comfortable. It is not all suppose to be soft and delicate and everything that I want it to be. Tho so often I find myself asking God to deliver me from these scary places.

Then I remember... I've been praying for Divine Appointments. I have experienced more in one week then ever before what it feels like to place myself in "one of those situations where complete reliance on God is needed to bring me thru it." It is only after realizing that God has brought me to it and that He will bring me out of it that I am able to seek the Spirit and ask Him into my heart and soul and speak through me.

God is working in my life and new chapter has begun. I don't know what lies ahead, but I do know this is again, a time of great new growth. All for the honor, and glory and praise to almighty God now and forever more. Amen,

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."2 Corinthians 12:9

The Cards I am Dealt

I have often heard, and perhaps sparingly used, the phrase "we just have to play the cards we are dealt" when referring to this journey of life.

Lately, I have gotten hooked on playing a game or two or three of Spades on my phone at random times. As I play, I guess how many tricks I think I will be able to win, then just start laying cards down. If my guess is wrong, and I get less tricks, or perhaps I get more tricks and end up with bags, I hit the lovely little button up in the left corner: "undo."

Life does not work as a game of cards does. In Spades, I am dealt cards and play them as I can. Sometimes I have to put one down that I wanted to save for a later time. Sometimes I over estimate, sometimes I under estimate the tricks I will win. But I can fix that by undoing and redoing.

Life cannot be undone. We play our cards and sometimes we over estimate, sometimes we under estimate. But we are left to deal with the choices we make. Some of those choices are great and we are confident that we are on the right path and life is good. Then there are those moments that leave us clamoring for an undo button.

How thankful I am for a forgiving, merciful Heavenly Father!

Different Me; or Not?

Less is more ... or so I've been told.
But to what extent? To what degree? In all things, or only in some?

When I sit to down to blog, I always feel that I need to have this long extravagant post frilled with big words and repeated words and large groups of words to get my point across.

Then I read a fellow blogger's post on a something and it is ever so simple... ever so delicate... yet clearly gets the point across.

I also have to sit back and re-evaluate who I am in the real world. I don't want to paint this picture online of who I am not but want to be. No. Rather, I want to be me. So, in the real world, you get me; the girl who attempts to get the point across (and may I add, typically succeeds ... yes friends?? ) with huge run on sentences with an over use of adverbs and adjectives as well as those made up words that I do like to throw in every now and again .. or all the time.

So, while my mind still struggles with wanting to be like others, my heart is quite content with being perfectly me--the woman that God continues to mold and sculpt and shape to mirror His perfect image. <3

Write (and read) on fellow Bloggers (and friends!)!! :D

Just because it is fun!

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 25 friends.
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.


 _Take it all_

1. SOMEONE SAYS "ARE YOU OKAY" YOU SAY?
A real fine place to start

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF:
Love you with all my heart

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Love Song

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I do not hook up

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
All Day ~ Hillsong

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
 Already Gone

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Feels Like Tonight

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Roll on eighteen wheeler!

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Inevitable

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Adding to the Noise

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
I love you to death

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
 All I ever wanted

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Ready Fuels

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Walk Away

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
More then Life

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Break Free

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The Stand (Yey!)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Dare you to move

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET IN LIFE?
From the Inside out

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Retrace

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Save You

22. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Yet

23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Naive Orleans

24. IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND CHANGE ONE THING, WHAT WOULD IT BE
A real fine place to start

25. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Take it all

Your story-- the power in a testimony

I have once again found myself spending a portion of the afternoon searching testimonies on vimeo.com.

There is just something so powerful beyond words that sparks a flame within me. As I have been confiding in people recently, sharing some of my past, some innermost thoughts, desires, feelings, hardships, just where I've been and where I am headed.... there have been moments when I've felt alone. Where I have felt that I am the only person on the face of this planet who feels as I feel, that no one could possibly have done things worse then I've done, that even though I have come to know Jesus my past is still a looming dark cloud over my head. I continue to find these all to be lies of the enemy, yet they are a constant re-occurrence.

Listening, watching, experiencing these testimonies gives me a hope beyond all other hope. It gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding. It encourages me to continue to press onward for Christ and shine the light of Christ wherever I go, whomever I am with!

We can all relate on a certain level with another. We can all learn from another. We all have some kind of impact on at least one other human being in this world.

What is your story? Where have you been? It will touch at least someone. So why wait to share?

Good Times

How honored I am to experience God's hand at work not only in my life, but the lives of those who are near and dear to me.

How blessed I am to have those near and dear to me whom I call friend ... sister ... brother.


I feel so very undeserving to have such beautiful people in my life. I am so blessed and I thank God for you all daily.

So many of these friendships that I have, I hope and pray last a lifetime and beyond. How wonderful it would be to be grandmas together sitting on each other's front porch bragging about our grand babies and beyond. Just those small joys in life.

There are many people in my life that while I don't spend time with on a daily or weekly or even monthly bases, but I still count them among my closest friends.

Life is really good --beyond good-- in the present moment.

For the first 21 years of my life, I never really had any "close friends" or any friends for that matter. Here I am ten months later and I don't have enough fingers and toes to count all the people who are my friend, my sisters and brothers in Christ!

Never would I have ever imagined that I would be where I am today. I am so thankful that God knows exactly what I need and continues to bless me richly.

I am so excited to see what else God will bless me with and to see what else He blesses y'all with! How absolutely privileged I am to be on this walk of life with you all. I love you all so very muchly!!

A hope beyond all understanding ...

The feeling of being pulled to do wrong ... yet knowing what is right.
Those moments of falling flat on the face ... despite the desire to do right.
The guilt of falling prey to sin ... and the realization that the choice was made to do wrong over what was right. 
The hope and peace and joy of knowing that Jesus came and conquered, and by this, made right with God.  


Just going thru the motions yet again .... letting life sink in, in the present moment. sigh. 

My thoughts on it....

John 8: 1 But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. 9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" 11 "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." 12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

Why do we get so caught up in pointing out what another had done wrong? Why do we let pride control us? Why are we in denial about someone else's sin because it brings disgrace to us. Why are we so focused on labeling one sin so much greater then another?  Matthew 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.    3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of God. Yet I feel that sometime we get caught up in other people's mistakes and cannot see past what they have done to offend God, mess up their life, mess up the life of another, and the list goes on and on.  Yet God uses everything. I had been living in a very depressed world because of many of the "mistakes" in my past. I could not fathom how God could forgive me for offending Him so much, so often, so willingly. It dawned on me recently how these past "skeletons in the closet" are helping me relate to people on a day to day basis. It is because of where I have been and thru the amazing grace of God that I am to the point where I can welcome sinners with open arms and share with them the love and mercy of God. God has forgiven me... do I really think I am that much better then HIM to not forgive my fallen brother or sister although, if compared, their sin might be more "wrong" then mine? But in whose eyes? We all look at the world thru tinted glasses. It is only thru the power of God that we are granted those moments of clarity and can act in perfect accordance with the most holy will of God!  We are soldiers of Christ! Using a human analogy.... so we are all soldiers in war. We are all fighting this raging enemy that will not give up... will no surrender. So we fight and fight and fight. Some days are herder then others. Some days there are more injuries then others. Bullets and fires and grenades are a daily ocurance. One of your closest friends gets injured. Shot. Bleeding. Laying there dying. Or maybe it is even someone you don't know... Would you go over there and at least comfort him? Try to save him?  So here we are in a world where there is a constant attack from satan. His army is strong. He prowls about like a lion..seeking to kill. Someone walks into one of his traps. He sneaks upon someone and wounds them. Are we just going to sit on the sidelines and watch our dear brother or sister lay there dying? Are we going to say "well, they just should have stayed out of the range of fire." Are we going to talk behind their back thinking that we are free from injury?? I certainly pray that that would not be me. I hope and pray that I rush to the one(s) who are injured and try to save them. In the physical world and the spiritual world. I pray we don't fall prey to the enemy and say "well if they did that, then I can do that too!" That can be compared to the battle/war scene. If your friend were lying there bleeding and dying would you try to save them.. or would you shoot yourself and join them on the ground bleeding to death as well? My point exactly.  I am saddened by watching some of those who are closest to me just walk thru life just barely alive because no one takes the time to offer nourishment... first aid! So many of us think that we have it all together that we don't need help. There is a pride that closes the ears to hearing truth. There is a closed heart that is unwilling to change.  This not pointed at anyone in particular, please note. It is just something that I've been observing and after recent events, I have felt compelled to share this. As always, this post reflects only the thoughts and feelings of me. By no means am I perfect. I strive to imitate Christ but fail on so many levels time and time again. But how much peace it brings with the knowledge that Christ died to free me from those bonds! The blood of Christ has washed me free! God knows my heart. He knows when I am genuinely striving to imitate Him. He knows when it is real. He knows when it is fake. So please, I ask that when one sees me doing, saying, acting in any way contrary to what pleases God ... please call me out on it. A little humility is never a bad thing. If anything, it does wonders for the spiritual life! Romans 6:1 What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? 2 By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?

Life in the Present Moment..

Wow. Where to start. Life just seems like one giant lump of stress at the moment.



Is there ever a point in one's life when the desire to seek God becomes too strong? I cannot fathom that God intended the quest for truth to be this complicated and riddled with so many trials and hardships and stresses and burdens. But then sin entered the world.

Sigh. As life continues on, everything just seems so much more complicated. Everything just seems to all come at once.

Reaching out to people and talking is a battle in and of itself. I observe people and they appear to have it all together all the time. Yet here I am, feeling as though I am back to square one where words are impossible and emotions and feelings and thoughts are only expressed with tears. Or just held inside. I want to talk. I long to talk. Talking and getting different insight always helps.

In a funk again. At a point in life where everything is spinning and either way could be up or down. I said to someone earlier "I have checked out mentally." Like seriously. My life consists of going thru the motions without any feelings or emotions or thoughts. I keep telling myself and others "I cannot wait for the semester to end!" And yes, the end of the semester will be amazing because then I will have much more free time for God. Now, as long as I make sure to use the extra time for Him!

I literally cried out to God tonight telling Him that I was ready to give up. I feel as though a loosing battle is being fought. I feel so very alone in this walk of life. I realize that God is always with me. Yet on a daily basis it feels as though I am sinking in the "to do" lists of life. I no longer want to be bogged down by the things of this world. "Be in the world but not of it." Hm. I've heard that one used plenty of times, but never put much thought into it.

So many people have been and continue to be such an incredible inspiration in my life. I want them to know this. Yet at the same time I don't say anything because I fear I am being a nuisance or bothering them or being too clingy or stalkerish. So then I don't say anything and I feel awkward even carrying on a normal conversation. Then again, having a surface-level conversation has never been my thing. I am much more comfortable in deep, theological, Christ-filled conversations.

Relating to people has been another constant struggle. I am my worst critic. I judge myself way too harshly. I hate conformity. I want to be me. And so many people have accepted me for me. Yet when I get in my "internal debates" or "quests for the truth" I crawl back into my own little world, again having a heck of a time opening up and sharing what is going on within me to the world....

So, here I am, sleep deprived and confused and just once again having this floating feeling. And while tonight I have peace with the realization of who God is, I really don't know how to move forward.

Until next time,
My the Peace of Christ be with you forever and always.

Short vent on technology

A world so consumed by technology. I don't like it at all. The saddest part? I used to be there.

I ride the bus for about 5 minutes 4 times a week. I sit there in the midst of fellow students on their phones and with ear buds in their ears listening to music. There is some talking, but I've been on a bus with 25 other people and there was literally no talking.

But what to do ... I now sit there staring out the window because I am surrounded by people listening to music and eyes glued to their phones ...

Chaos ... followed by peace

So seriously ... what exactly are the benefits of going to college?
I will have a degree in something that I may or may not use. Sometimes that I either am or am not passionate about.
This feeling of being back at square one scares the heck out of me.
I just want to go where God is calling me. Right now I cannot even tell if that includes college or not.
Yes, getting a degree with *hopefully* help me get a decent paying job so I can live comfortably, put food on the table, clothes on my back, and gas in the car. Maybe if there is some left over I can give it to the church or help others in need... right?
Ha! No, giving to the church/charities/those in need comes first. Even as a college student with the student loans continuing to pile up, giving to God has to be first and foremost.
So will going to college help me to be able to give more? Well, society teaches that going to college helps us make more. 
Really though ... I am very unsettled at this point as to what path to take for college. Or actually what path to take in life in general!
I've been looking into 4 year colleges. Those institutes where I am aiming to go after achieving an Associates from the Community College. First these places are so pricey. Second they are so big. I would prefer a smaller college, but not sure something like that will happen considering I have no idea where to turn. I have an itch to move somewhere where I can live on campus. But not sure that is what God has in the works for me.

I almost seem to want to know my 5 year life plan. right now. My head gets this. My head knows that God knows and will reveal to me slowly but surely what HE wants me to do.

Had I known what I know about my life now even a year ago, I would have either a) rolled my eyes and said "yeah right" or b) I would have freaked out at everything that I've now come through. Or who knows what else.

Oh the discernment! I want to place everything in God's able hands. I want to surrender it all to Him! I don't want to worry, or stress, or complain, or even think about my future! "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"
(Matthew 6:34). Yes, like I should be studying for my photography exam that is tomorrow (by the way ... why on earth do we have e x a m s in photography of all classes .... lol).

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Not to sound morbid or depressed or anything ... but really, why worry about 4 years from now, when I may not even make it to tomorrow? Though at times it does sound more refreshing to be up in heaven with my heavenly father then feeling as though I am just floating about here on earth trying to grab onto truth and build on it.
Just when I feel as though I've got a solid foundation, something else surfaces and my foundation appears to crumble beneath my feet.

Where to go? Where to turn? I have my rock "God is Love!"  but beyond that, everything else that has been built upon that has crumbled, washed away, withered, gone away. Or so it feels right now.

Back to aimless wandering. I do keep praying to be uncomfortable. And at this point, uncomfortable I am. I also pray for peace. I want to do what the Lord wills for my life. Why is there such uneasiness within?

I almost feel complete peace when I tell myself that I am not going to college ever again. But where is this coming from?
I would say that I cannot always live with my dad and such, but really ... why couldn't I? The intention is that, God Willing, I will own the house in the future and that is where I will stay.

But where is God calling me?

Dad and I have often had deep conversations about hearing God's voice -- hearing the call of God. Without a shadow of a doubt God is speaking to me, guiding me through this situation. Though at this point in time... I really wish He would speak a little louder. Oh ... maybe I need to be quieter? Patience. I cannot expect all the answers today. I suppose I should just let the sequence of events of today sink in.

God knows. God is holding me, guiding me, protecting me. He give me what I need for the day. He will guide me what I am to do next.

Dad told me this:

A man is stranded in the river. He prays to God to help him; to rescue him.

A log floats by. The man just lets it go by.

The man continues to pray to God to save him.

A boat goes by and the men in the boat toss out a rope and tell the stranded man to grab on.

"No, no," the man replies. "This is a test of my faith! I keep praying and God will save me!" 


The boat goes off and later a helicopter comes and lowers down a man who will rescue the stranded man.


"No, no," the stranded man replied yet again. "God will save me!"


The helicopter reluctantly flies away.


Then man drowns. 


When He sees God, the man says to God, "I had faith that you would save me! Why didn't you?"


God replies, "I sent a log, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?!?"


How often have I missed God saving me? I know God hears my prayers and answers them according to His Will. Even if that is in the form of a log, a boat or a helicopter. I don't want some superficial "faith" that the man in this story had. 

So, when it comes to school, I know that God will guide me and help me all along the way.

And peace. Peace comes with getting these words out.
Alas! There are also words which must remain untold as they are mere visions floating around in my mind...


† God Bless Y'all!

And 4 semesters later...

I am currently attending college with the mindset of "obtaining an Associates in Art degree." Well, up until this point, I was.

What is the point of spending money on something that I am not passionate about? I am not sure. I wanted an associates just for the sake of saying that I had an associates and so I would feel accomplished. Now, if I want to get my associates in Art, then change my major, what will that do for what I want to do next? My heart keeps telling me "Oh, I cannot wait to change majors!" When anyone asks about my current education, this is a typical conversation:

"What are you going to school for?"
"I should have an Associates in Art in two semesters!"
"What do you plan on doing after that?"
"Change my major out of art!"
"Change it to what?"
"..............."

Well, maybe possibly that "..........." has been replaced with "accounting." Maybe. 
I want to go where God wants me to go. I want to listen to what my heart is telling me. I want to do something that helps people. Can I help someone working in accounting? I sure hope so. So, looking up the degree on the school's website, I found the list of requirements needed to "receive an Accounting Associate Business degree." And wow. Pretty much back to square one. I currently have a whopping 4 (yes, that is right, 4) credits done that can be put towards an Accounting Associate Business degree. My wellness class (yoga) and praise the Dear Lord, my Survey of American Government is out of the way! And maybe, possibly, potentially, some of my other classes will count as electives. But I don't want to hold my breath on that one. The only ones that have a shot, I believe, are my 3 math courses from last year.

Accounting is not really something that just magically showed up on my doorstep (unlike Art/Graphic Design); it ha kind of always been on the forefront of my mind -- just the farthest part back of the forefront. I have always loved numbers and have been good with them. Someone, somewhere along the way suggested accounting. At that point in my life, I was convinced that I was going to be a Registered Nurse working in post-pardum. Yea... there is currently no passion for going to school to be an RN anymore.  

So, here I sit, sophomore year of college. 2/3 the way to obtaining my AA (Associates in Art). Just about ready to change my major to something completely unrelated! Is this what I am suppose to do? I haven't had any counseling (but I will. But tomorrow is the first day of registration and I need to register for my fall classes before I have the chance to meet with an adviser. But I will call soon and try to set something up). I have 4 classes adding up to 14 credits ready to enroll in come 8am Tuesday Morning. Am I ready for this?

I had my mind all set to take a ton of classes this summer and fall to have my AA after Fall semester. God has placed it upon my heart to stop and really re-evaluate where He wants me. And while I really still don't know where He wants me 100%, I am ready to take this leap of faith.

One fear is that I will get 2/3 the way done with Accounting, and then want to change my major all over again. Seriously? Sounds like something I need to take up to my Heavenly Father. This is why I like short [degrees]. (Hence like my CNA license. It was $800 and 6 weeks. I didn't really have a chance to think about what I was doing long-term or get bored with it or feel as though a ton of money was being wasted. Or maybe it was all just a part of God's master plan? I will go with the latter). At least staying at the Community College is cheaper then almost anywhere else (staying home and working full time would be the cheapest at this point!).


I have learned much in the past 4 semesters though. I have learned, on some level anywhoo, what it takes to achieve good grades. I have grown as a person in so many ways. I am learning what I like and don't like, my passions. And while I will always enjoy art, I don't see myself having a career in it. Unless God wants me to. I now look at things differently. Granted, when I go to design my kitchen, we shall all see how many of these design elements I take with me.

This semester, I am enrolled in a photography class. I have always been passionate about photography. While I may or may not go beyond an amateur, I have learned much in this class and will take so much with me. Even in the past 10 weeks, my images have improved (I will have an "end of the semester in photos" blog post in about 4 or 5 weeks [if I can figure out how to upload pictures to my blog] to display my growth).

Best decision yet has been to drop my summer classes and stop working so hard to achieve ranks in this society. What is the point of pressing forward if I am unsure of where God is calling me? I have almost 5 whole months to pray and discern what God is calling me to do before Fall semester starts up in August. Until then, I will be registered for Business classes pertaining "to receive an Accounting Associate Business degree."

Oh happy day!

"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Col. 3:17)

... Where did the simplicy go?

Simplicity... What part of living a simple life don't I fully understand yet?
It seems like each week I get to a point of complete chaos and confusion and everything is just so very overwhelming. Every week I verbally proclaim that I want to live simply, life a simple life.

Yet here I am again, Sunday evening, and today has just been a chillax kind of day and when I went upstairs to get my basket of laundry to wash, I looked around my room and bathroom. Complete and utter chaos. Things are everywhere. Clothes that have yet to make it to the closet. Blankets spread all over the floor that fell off last night but will not be put back on until tonight only to fall off again and the bed remade at night. I mean seriously ... how hard is it to stay organized? Once I am done with work, I feel great, accomplished, and such. Yet getting to that point of moving .... it can be so hard! It is not even like I have that much stuff? I really only like to keep things that have sentimental value so that means that the amount of trinkets is greatly reduced. So then where is everything coming from? I wish I knew.

I would prefer to make the bed in the morning, but unfortunately I have not succeeded at becoming a morning person. I would love a set schedule of when I clean the bathrooms, when I vacuum, wash laundry, and so on and so forth.

It is like a lose-lose situation when it comes to sleeping. I am so much more productive in the later evenings but I always feel as though the day is wasted when I sleep past 9. But then again, I am almost never in bed before midnight on my nights off, and 2am on my working nights.

I wanted to walk, exercise, do things today. Did that happen? Nope. Why? Just plain and simple: no motivation. Motivating myself is like so not there. I always could just go out and walk by myself, yet I just don't. It wouldn't be half bad to just sit around except that no homework gets done and there is too much junk food around the house. How desperately I would love to cut refined sugars out of my diet as well as all other foods that my body does not need. It would be amazing to get on a healthy eating and exercising schedule.

I just feel as though I am rambling right now. But it feel so good to get what is on the inside, out.

But yes, main goal is to continue to live more and more simple. 

This summer I have a couple big plans. 3 entire months of only work and time to do whatever I want (aka, go where God calls, doing what He tells me to do). I have two things on *my* "to do" list for this summer. And they consist of putting a backsplash up in my kitchen, and painting the entry way. It would also be kind of cool to add to the "must buy" list and get a dresser or 2 for my bedroom. I would love to eventually empty out the back bedroom of all my things and get rid of many more things. It would be lovely to turn that room into an art/study studio. Yet I love my dining room. I love the openness, the lighting, not being shut within a room. Oh but the unorganized-ness of it all is driving me nuts! Papers everywhere. Books everywhere. Things lining the wall. 3 of the 4 chairs have things piled on them. Paper. Paper. Paper. So cannot wait for this semester to be done and over with so I can finally recycle the majority of the unnecessary papers that are all over the place! I would love for everything to have a home. I don't mind a little bit of chaos and confusion (like confined to a "junk drawer"). But seriously, there is so much junk everywhere.

I am ready to step up and be more responsible. When I first moved in, I promised myself that I would keep my bedroom and bathroom clean seeing as I was the only one using it and that I did not have a lot of unnecessary things. For about 8 months I did awesome. Cleaning every 2-3 weeks like clockwork. Now... it is like ridiculous to clean regularly. I clean when needed and not before. It is driving me nuts!! My hope and prayer this summer (actually starting now) is that I can get into a routine. That I can get organized and continue to strive (and actually obtain it) to live a very simple life. Just because I have something, does not mean that I need it, or that I am going to eventually use it.

Oh Lord! Please help me to live for You! Please help me to get rid of everything that keeps me from You!

Why cannot I throw things away easier? I hang onto things thinking that I might need them one day. Not like major things, but just too many things in general. /le sigh.

I am to that point where I would like my house to be more "homey." Nothing has really been done to our house since we've been here for 10 months. It has the same boring paint color, the same neutral color scheme throughout the house. Nothing hanging on the walls. Nothing to personalize it. No "woman's touch" whatsoever. Just one day at a time. I am ready to put some picture up on the walls. I am ready for some different paint colors. I am ready to have fun! I was talking with my dad last night and I told him that I haven't done anything yet because I am afraid of making mistakes and having to redo things and that I want to do things that he likes and whatnot. After exploring Lowe's and getting ideas of what we both like, it sounds like we are pretty much on the same page for likes/dislikes. Also, he said that I can do what I would like and that I don't have to be afraid. So, house remodeling .... here I come! I am so excited! So, I have limited myself to just two projects this summer. If we get more done, great! But seeing as I will be balancing between work and social life, I just want to start small ... also considering that I've never taken a kitchen apart or tiled before! But it will be great!

So, that's what's up tonight.

Just Lovin' on God

Currently my thoughts are all jumbled. I have been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I pray that it has been, is, and will continue to change my life for the better. I am in the middle of chapter 6, and wow has it been thought provoking.

I wish that I could sum it all up easily, but the bottom line is that if you have not already read it, you need to read it.

I have all these ideas to blog about, then when time allows to write, nothing wants to come out. I always feel as though there are the readers to please and that the wording has to be done ever so cautiously and carefully. How much of myself do I put out there or how much should I hold in? I try to put my heart and soul into my posts, yet at the same time, there is always a bit of hesitancy. I long to reach people through my own life stories, but how can I do that if I don't share my stories? I want to share my good times and bad times, I want to share the happy and the sad. I want to share the pride and the humiliations. I want to be transparent. There cannot be a mask, there cannot be any hiding. I just want this to be me. I want to present myself as I am. Not who I want to be. Not who others want me to be. not who I, or anyone else thinks I should be. Just me. I just want to be me.

Loving God. Who is God and why should I love Him? I had never really thought much about this question before recently. I knew that I was on earth to "know, love and serve God in this world." I never questioned who this God was. I never took a moment to actually dig deeper and really try to figure out who this supreme being is that I am suppose to know to love and to serve. How can I love someone I don't know? How can I serve someone that I don't love?

So, Who is God? I so badly wish that I could remember the entire conversation that took place between Atlanta and Nashville. While I don't remember the exact words, I do know that I started out in this awful place of chaos and confusion, not having any place to grab onto, then ended in a place of complete peace and serenity with the confident and comfort that God is love. Ever since then, it has been ingrained in my subconscious (and conscious as well) and I can see God is Love all around me in all I do and in all He does for me.

Reading Crazy Love has certainly been eye opening and challenges me to life the life God intended for me; to know Him, love Him and serve Him. Now that I am getting to know God in a more intimate way, I can love Him in a way that I have never loved before. Out of this love, I can serve Him. I constantly want to grow and learn to know God more fully, love Him more deeply and serve Him more selflessly. As well as so. much. more.

For a long time I could not wait to get married and have a family. I felt that that was indeed the life God intended for me. God certainly knows better. I am at such a beautiful place in my life right now! While there are certainly moments of chaos and confusion, God always presents Himself to me and takes me by the hand and guides me to safety (and sanity). I am now at a point in my life where I am perfectly content with building my relationship with God and loving Him alone more intimately. The thought and idea of marriage scares me right now. I want to love God. I want to honor and worship Him alone. I have felt this way for about 2 weeks now, and Francis Chan sums it up beautifully:

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."

As I read this, I just kept thinking to myself "Yes, yes!" but also at the same time, there were attacks from the enemy. He wants us to be separated from God! Thoughts kept coming to mind where they were readily discarded. Thoughts that human love is more fulfilling then God's love. Thoughts that God's love is different and cannot be compared to human love. Thoughts of the such came and went like clockwork.

But no! This indeed is how we should love God! Just because God is everywhere does not mean that we should not long to be close to Him! It does not mean that we should not set aside time of the day just one-on-one with our Lord and Savior! Nor does it mean that human relationships should be avoided. All I know is that this is just a small example compared to the love I want to have for God. I long to love God with all I am! I don't want the distractions that Paul talks about concerning marriage. I want God. God alone!

So, does that mean to say that marriage will never be an option? No. Just at this point in my life, God is everything. I pray that all the days of my life God is everything, but maybe He will entrust me with a different responsibility by presenting a spouse to me in the future. Right now I don't want to long for something that I don't have and something that might result in the pulling away from God. Only God knows my future. If God wills that I get married, I want to be one of those women who is so lost in God that a man must seek God in order to find me. That has been one of my favorite quotes for a long time now, but it never really hit me fully until right this very moment ...

I will never be perfect. I will never be sinless. I will never be able to pay God back for what Jesus did for me on the cross. Yet I can love God. I love God because His is good and He is love. I don't want to love God because He is good to me. I don't just want to love Him because my prayers are answered. I want to love Him because He loved me first. I want to love Him because He is God!

Francis Chan quotes John Piper from God Is the Gospel:

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

Talk about a smack between the eyes! As I read this a fourth, fifth and sixth time over, I now shake my head 'no' and realize the weight of that kind of question. It makes me realize how often I have gone on with my life acting as though God is not present. How selfish, and proud and stupid I have been in thinking that I can take care of myself and that these earthly things can bring everlasting joy and peace and all things good!

My source is God. I draw near to Him and long to live my life in perfect accordance with His most holy will for my life. I want to go where He leads me. I want to go when He says "go." I want to stay still and silent when He wishes me to. I want to hear His voice, and take His hand, and take up my cross and follow Him. All the days of my life. He knows the plan He has for me. I want to accept it gracefully and humbly and with complete faith and trust in Him! I want every earthly distraction that separates me from my Lord removed. Just me and God. I hunger and thirst for just me and God.

What an amazing thing it is to say that I know, love and serve God! I want to be able to say that all the days of my life! Amen.

"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirst for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long."