Chaos ... followed by peace

So seriously ... what exactly are the benefits of going to college?
I will have a degree in something that I may or may not use. Sometimes that I either am or am not passionate about.
This feeling of being back at square one scares the heck out of me.
I just want to go where God is calling me. Right now I cannot even tell if that includes college or not.
Yes, getting a degree with *hopefully* help me get a decent paying job so I can live comfortably, put food on the table, clothes on my back, and gas in the car. Maybe if there is some left over I can give it to the church or help others in need... right?
Ha! No, giving to the church/charities/those in need comes first. Even as a college student with the student loans continuing to pile up, giving to God has to be first and foremost.
So will going to college help me to be able to give more? Well, society teaches that going to college helps us make more. 
Really though ... I am very unsettled at this point as to what path to take for college. Or actually what path to take in life in general!
I've been looking into 4 year colleges. Those institutes where I am aiming to go after achieving an Associates from the Community College. First these places are so pricey. Second they are so big. I would prefer a smaller college, but not sure something like that will happen considering I have no idea where to turn. I have an itch to move somewhere where I can live on campus. But not sure that is what God has in the works for me.

I almost seem to want to know my 5 year life plan. right now. My head gets this. My head knows that God knows and will reveal to me slowly but surely what HE wants me to do.

Had I known what I know about my life now even a year ago, I would have either a) rolled my eyes and said "yeah right" or b) I would have freaked out at everything that I've now come through. Or who knows what else.

Oh the discernment! I want to place everything in God's able hands. I want to surrender it all to Him! I don't want to worry, or stress, or complain, or even think about my future! "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"
(Matthew 6:34). Yes, like I should be studying for my photography exam that is tomorrow (by the way ... why on earth do we have e x a m s in photography of all classes .... lol).

One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Not to sound morbid or depressed or anything ... but really, why worry about 4 years from now, when I may not even make it to tomorrow? Though at times it does sound more refreshing to be up in heaven with my heavenly father then feeling as though I am just floating about here on earth trying to grab onto truth and build on it.
Just when I feel as though I've got a solid foundation, something else surfaces and my foundation appears to crumble beneath my feet.

Where to go? Where to turn? I have my rock "God is Love!"  but beyond that, everything else that has been built upon that has crumbled, washed away, withered, gone away. Or so it feels right now.

Back to aimless wandering. I do keep praying to be uncomfortable. And at this point, uncomfortable I am. I also pray for peace. I want to do what the Lord wills for my life. Why is there such uneasiness within?

I almost feel complete peace when I tell myself that I am not going to college ever again. But where is this coming from?
I would say that I cannot always live with my dad and such, but really ... why couldn't I? The intention is that, God Willing, I will own the house in the future and that is where I will stay.

But where is God calling me?

Dad and I have often had deep conversations about hearing God's voice -- hearing the call of God. Without a shadow of a doubt God is speaking to me, guiding me through this situation. Though at this point in time... I really wish He would speak a little louder. Oh ... maybe I need to be quieter? Patience. I cannot expect all the answers today. I suppose I should just let the sequence of events of today sink in.

God knows. God is holding me, guiding me, protecting me. He give me what I need for the day. He will guide me what I am to do next.

Dad told me this:

A man is stranded in the river. He prays to God to help him; to rescue him.

A log floats by. The man just lets it go by.

The man continues to pray to God to save him.

A boat goes by and the men in the boat toss out a rope and tell the stranded man to grab on.

"No, no," the man replies. "This is a test of my faith! I keep praying and God will save me!" 


The boat goes off and later a helicopter comes and lowers down a man who will rescue the stranded man.


"No, no," the stranded man replied yet again. "God will save me!"


The helicopter reluctantly flies away.


Then man drowns. 


When He sees God, the man says to God, "I had faith that you would save me! Why didn't you?"


God replies, "I sent a log, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?!?"


How often have I missed God saving me? I know God hears my prayers and answers them according to His Will. Even if that is in the form of a log, a boat or a helicopter. I don't want some superficial "faith" that the man in this story had. 

So, when it comes to school, I know that God will guide me and help me all along the way.

And peace. Peace comes with getting these words out.
Alas! There are also words which must remain untold as they are mere visions floating around in my mind...


† God Bless Y'all!