Wow. I can hardly believe that another year has gone by. In years past I used to make a huge deal over the new year, I felt like it was one of the largest events of the year. As I've grown older, I take a simpler approach to it, I feel. It is just another day with another number. New beginnings don't have to start on January 1 of a new year. They can begin today. Tomorrow. Yesterday, last week or months ago. I feel like 2015 has been low key, yet so busy. Here's to 2015 and all that 2016 holds!
January
Apparently Facebook was really boring for me in January. Nothing but a shared Foster Care link! :)
February
- 7th: NCT Hike
- 28th: Mona had a play date with a clone 10x her size.
Ice Skating at Rosa Park Circle
March
- 7th: Project install safety gates for foster care licensing
- 3.14.15: ULTIMATE PIE DAY party. With Pi, Pie and .... White Chili and friends
- 17th: Business Professional day for office pics
- 23rd: Friend's Baby shower for her Miracle Baby
- 29th: Saw Cinderella in theater with my sisters
- 31st: ADOPTED my baby sister!
April
- Dad's health
- 4th: NCT hike with Hollers followed by Pizza!
- 11th: NCT hike
- 12th: PHANTOM OF THE OPERA with my older sister
- 14th: NCT hike
- 18th: Kayaking with Chelsea; fell in the river. Whoops.
- 25th: Nordhouse with Hollers and traveling M-22 to Traverse City
- 29th: 3.43 miles on the NCT with my lil trooper of a pup
May
- 4th: Dad's surgery
- 8th: Got a hammock!
- 23rd: Camping in my own back yard
- 24th: Road trip to Petoskey with Hollers
June
- 6th: Kayaking with Ashlee and Michele
- 13th: B-93 Birthday bash with besties
July
- 4th: Holiday with besties up on the Lake
- 8th Provisional foster license open
- 16th: Christmas in July Cards
- 27th: Sewed a little lamb for a co-worker
August
- 1st: COLOR RUN!
- 5th: First time Rock Climbing
- 7th-9th: Canada Wonderland with two of my besties
- 10th: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME!
- 12th made homemade Fettuccine Carbonara
- 15th: Completed PRIDE 5, 7 and 8 for Foster Care licensing
- 18th - 20th: Dog sitting
- 20th: Prepping cloth to make burp clothes for future littles
- 23rd: Hiking the NCT
- 24th: "Deal Newly Licensed Foster Parent
- 28th - 30th: Camping Ludington With Ashlee
September
- 3rd: call for placement; I accepted a beautiful 8 month old
- Started chiropractic care
- 17th: Lady A concert with my friend Ashlee!
- 19th: Irish Music Festival with the family!
- 23rd: baby's first day of daycare
- 27th: visited JodyAnn at WAR Rockford
- 30th: Baby Squidgey the binky thief
October
- 3rd: visited Aunt Brittany and ate at Boatwerks for the first time
- 11th: Orchard with my cousin and our littles
- 17th: Hockey game with my family; little sister sang the National Anthem with her school choir
- 21st: Baby crawled up the entire flight of stairs
- 25th: ZOO GOES BOO with my cousin and our littles
- 31st: caught up with an old friend and saw her beautiful new home
November
- 3rd: Started to Cloth Diaper
- 16th: Went to Frankenmuth Michigan for the first time with a bestie; got a tank of gas for $1.15 [thank you Wesco Rewards!]
- 19th: Fortune cookie: "You will succeed in whatever calling you adopt"
Prepped 11 dozen cookies for my Church's bake sale; made over 15 dozen total
- 21st: Road Trip to Traverse City Michigan with my cousin and her little to see another cousin. Drove home in a really bad snow storm.
- 25th: Christmas Tree up and gated
- 26th: Baby's first Thanksgiving
- 27th: Big BF splurge: Cloth Diapers
- 29th: LL Thanksgiving with friends
December
- 3rd: Carol the Singer arrived [got my first sewing machine!]
- 4th: Rockford Christmas Lighting Ceremony
- 5th: The Piano Guys concert with my older sister
- 9th: Puppy (#babysquidgey) turned 2!
- 18th: horrible ice and snow
- 22nd: prepped over 80 Christmas cards to mail; not mailed until the New Year
- 23rd: was gifted a $1 chicken and waffle from the restaurant next door to work
- 24th: sewed myself a skirt for Christmas
- 25th: Baby's first Christmas and my first Christmas as a momma
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Gardens in my Life
Sometimes there are those moments in life where emotion just overtakes. There is such a strong desire to remain strong and not show "weakness." [NEWSFLASH! ... crying does NOT equate weak].
After what has been on the longest, fastest, shortest, most dragged on, and hardest past year that I have faced to date, filled with far too many tears, I thought I cried the last of all the tears. I was determined not to cry anymore.
Why cry over something long passed? Why cry over something so long ago?
I am fighting a battle that is not mine. I am clinging to a promise never told. I am waiting for something, someone that doesn't share in the same hope and dream.
When will this end? It should have ended long ago. My emotions should never been allowed to take such a long, nauseating ride on that roller coaster.
Too often I wonder why I allowed myself that unnecessary ride. It wasn't needed. I don't even know if I learned anything from it.
Hope remains. But I feel insane for keeping my hope in something that has proven time and time again how unhealthy it is.
The hurt and the pain is real. The grief, sorrow and plain flat out raw emotion is real.
I want to surrender all. I feel like I have surrendered all. But then I feel like I hold on. There is a part of me that wants to want what I want. But that has led to a year of heartache and broken dreams and shattered hopes.
Sometimes I feel like life is a series of obstacles and that if I perform "correctly" then I'll get what I want. FALSE. There is no truth in that above statement, yet too often I feel like that is how I live my life and that that is why some people have what I want. "They are just doing it right. Maybe if I ... like them .. then ... I'll get that too." LIE again.
I can see how satan has planted seeds of despair and seeds of doubt. I pluck them out in the name of Jesus! I tend to the garden of my mind and I grow hope, and life and light. I remove the thorns and thistles that choke out the Goodness of God. I weed out the unnecessary and water it with the LIVING WATER.
Some days are more emotional than others. But I chose to embrace the tears as a sign of strength. It shows that I have heart and that I do everything with passion and purpose. I am not a robot. I am not just doing the moves. I am alive and I walk in the fullness of God.
I shed the things not of Him, and suit up in the full armour of God! I am His daughter and He loves me. Even when I try to fight the battle that He has already won.
After what has been on the longest, fastest, shortest, most dragged on, and hardest past year that I have faced to date, filled with far too many tears, I thought I cried the last of all the tears. I was determined not to cry anymore.
Why cry over something long passed? Why cry over something so long ago?
I am fighting a battle that is not mine. I am clinging to a promise never told. I am waiting for something, someone that doesn't share in the same hope and dream.
When will this end? It should have ended long ago. My emotions should never been allowed to take such a long, nauseating ride on that roller coaster.
Too often I wonder why I allowed myself that unnecessary ride. It wasn't needed. I don't even know if I learned anything from it.
Hope remains. But I feel insane for keeping my hope in something that has proven time and time again how unhealthy it is.
The hurt and the pain is real. The grief, sorrow and plain flat out raw emotion is real.
I want to surrender all. I feel like I have surrendered all. But then I feel like I hold on. There is a part of me that wants to want what I want. But that has led to a year of heartache and broken dreams and shattered hopes.
Sometimes I feel like life is a series of obstacles and that if I perform "correctly" then I'll get what I want. FALSE. There is no truth in that above statement, yet too often I feel like that is how I live my life and that that is why some people have what I want. "They are just doing it right. Maybe if I ... like them .. then ... I'll get that too." LIE again.
I can see how satan has planted seeds of despair and seeds of doubt. I pluck them out in the name of Jesus! I tend to the garden of my mind and I grow hope, and life and light. I remove the thorns and thistles that choke out the Goodness of God. I weed out the unnecessary and water it with the LIVING WATER.
Some days are more emotional than others. But I chose to embrace the tears as a sign of strength. It shows that I have heart and that I do everything with passion and purpose. I am not a robot. I am not just doing the moves. I am alive and I walk in the fullness of God.
I shed the things not of Him, and suit up in the full armour of God! I am His daughter and He loves me. Even when I try to fight the battle that He has already won.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
What about Earth
There is a type of person in this world that is never happy. They complain about everything. They complain and then make change happen. Then, even when what they were complaining about has come to pass .. they complain even more about the new normal.
I have encountered people in this world who are like that. They are quick to tell me not to burn bridges. They try to say that they have lived enough life to understand people. They try to play it off like they have accumulated enough wisdom and more wisdom and that because of their age and experiences, they are right and everyone else is wrong.
Please don't misinterpret this. Age can bring about wisdom. Some people have a greater sense than others of intuition. There are some people that the bridge should not be burnt, albeit disagreements and hurts and pain.
Discernment is a key component to life. To discern what to say and when, to discern what to do and when or even why.
Lately I have had many interactions with really bitter people.
Just seeing the whole world in disarray, it pains me. The division among people physically, mentally and emotionally pains me. I wish we all had a common ground. Even when we have the common ground of Jesus, I feel there is always division because now we are looking at rules and every has their own interpretation of the Sacred Scriptures.
"In the morning, when I rise
† Give me Jesus. †
† Give me Jesus, †
† Give me Jesus. †
You can have all this world,
† Just give me Jesus. †
I have encountered people in this world who are like that. They are quick to tell me not to burn bridges. They try to say that they have lived enough life to understand people. They try to play it off like they have accumulated enough wisdom and more wisdom and that because of their age and experiences, they are right and everyone else is wrong.
Please don't misinterpret this. Age can bring about wisdom. Some people have a greater sense than others of intuition. There are some people that the bridge should not be burnt, albeit disagreements and hurts and pain.
Discernment is a key component to life. To discern what to say and when, to discern what to do and when or even why.
Lately I have had many interactions with really bitter people.
Just seeing the whole world in disarray, it pains me. The division among people physically, mentally and emotionally pains me. I wish we all had a common ground. Even when we have the common ground of Jesus, I feel there is always division because now we are looking at rules and every has their own interpretation of the Sacred Scriptures.
"In the morning, when I rise
† Give me Jesus. †
† Give me Jesus, †
† Give me Jesus. †
You can have all this world,
† Just give me Jesus. †
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Seeing Beyond
I continually stumble upon blogs right when I need them. I come across words so eloquently written. I read words with such passion, heart and soul behind every click of the keyboard.
Stories of hope, stories of overcoming, stories of real, live, walked out and lived life.
My heart. It feels so much. It holds so much. I want to put all of my thoughts and all of my feelings into words ... if only I had the words.
Stories about fellow foster mommas. Stories of a momma carrying her baby to term despite the wee ones fatal diagnosis. I see the brokenness, yet wholeness, of a single momma raising her children as best as she can, yet feeling the pressure of "it takes a village" mentality.
Social media is filled with stories all over the spectrum of emotion. One family just brought their sweet girl home from the hospital all while documenting their journey with such joy! Another family brought their baby girl home after months in the hospital after birth. Another family shares their grief as they remember their sweet baby who passed away at about 12 months leaving behind her 2 sisters ... they were triplets. I see posts about new life, and posts of baby's milestones. I have a friend who just celebrated her daughters first birthday after a very emotional first year as the mom fought for her life the first few days after delivery.
All of these stories are tucked away in the depths of my heart. Every single one brings tears to my eyes. Every single one gives me a new hope, a new faith in my Father.
If only I were that strong. If I were in their shoes would I be able to walk it out so gracefully and confidently knowing that God's hand holds me?
I often wonder if I use words too often? Is it possible that I use so many words that the few that do hold deeper meaning are lost in the chaos?
May the Spirit lead me and guide me. May every word that comes off my tongue and off my finger tip be filled with grace and truth.
This life is not always easy, but there sure is so much beauty in it!
Stories of hope, stories of overcoming, stories of real, live, walked out and lived life.
My heart. It feels so much. It holds so much. I want to put all of my thoughts and all of my feelings into words ... if only I had the words.
Stories about fellow foster mommas. Stories of a momma carrying her baby to term despite the wee ones fatal diagnosis. I see the brokenness, yet wholeness, of a single momma raising her children as best as she can, yet feeling the pressure of "it takes a village" mentality.
Social media is filled with stories all over the spectrum of emotion. One family just brought their sweet girl home from the hospital all while documenting their journey with such joy! Another family brought their baby girl home after months in the hospital after birth. Another family shares their grief as they remember their sweet baby who passed away at about 12 months leaving behind her 2 sisters ... they were triplets. I see posts about new life, and posts of baby's milestones. I have a friend who just celebrated her daughters first birthday after a very emotional first year as the mom fought for her life the first few days after delivery.
All of these stories are tucked away in the depths of my heart. Every single one brings tears to my eyes. Every single one gives me a new hope, a new faith in my Father.
If only I were that strong. If I were in their shoes would I be able to walk it out so gracefully and confidently knowing that God's hand holds me?
I often wonder if I use words too often? Is it possible that I use so many words that the few that do hold deeper meaning are lost in the chaos?
May the Spirit lead me and guide me. May every word that comes off my tongue and off my finger tip be filled with grace and truth.
This life is not always easy, but there sure is so much beauty in it!
Friday, August 21, 2015
Time Gone By
One year ago was so long ago. I forgot what changing of the seasons from summer into fall smells like. I forgot what it looks like. I forgot how good it feels.
Every year without a doubt, come this time of year all I want to do is plan trips to the corn maze, the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch. To smell fresh baked donuts. To ride on a horse drawn wagon ride.
Pumpkin spiced everything is everywhere. I just want to bake pies and have my house smell all fall-like and get that excitement built up inside preparing for the holidays.
Pumpkin pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. Cherry pie. And then toss in a white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake.
Then I'd like to go on a kayak trip for a fall color tour. One thing I love about living in the Mid-West is that we get to experience the beautiful display of colors and have the changing of seasons.
The grass was mowed today and the smell has wafted across me and it smells heavenly.
My mind is in a happy place ... a mix of productivity, excitement and wonder are present today.
Coffee has been drank and it was more delicious today then I recall in mornings past.
~~
There is so much to be thankful for everyday. I want to choose joy and love. I want to seek out the good and the gold. I want to call out the riches. I want to seek God and let God shine through me in all areas of my life. Even when I am down or experiencing a hard time, I want to focus on Him and be thankful because He does hold me and know every intricate detail about me.
Every year without a doubt, come this time of year all I want to do is plan trips to the corn maze, the apple orchard and the pumpkin patch. To smell fresh baked donuts. To ride on a horse drawn wagon ride.
Pumpkin spiced everything is everywhere. I just want to bake pies and have my house smell all fall-like and get that excitement built up inside preparing for the holidays.
Pumpkin pie. Apple pie. Blueberry pie. Cherry pie. And then toss in a white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake.
Then I'd like to go on a kayak trip for a fall color tour. One thing I love about living in the Mid-West is that we get to experience the beautiful display of colors and have the changing of seasons.
The grass was mowed today and the smell has wafted across me and it smells heavenly.
My mind is in a happy place ... a mix of productivity, excitement and wonder are present today.
Coffee has been drank and it was more delicious today then I recall in mornings past.
~~
There is so much to be thankful for everyday. I want to choose joy and love. I want to seek out the good and the gold. I want to call out the riches. I want to seek God and let God shine through me in all areas of my life. Even when I am down or experiencing a hard time, I want to focus on Him and be thankful because He does hold me and know every intricate detail about me.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Heart on my Sleeve
There are those moments where I struggle and question who I am. I fight with who I was, who I have become, and who I want to be.
The constant fight between the heart, the head and the soul.
People from the outside look like they've got it going for them. It looks like they live a happy life with their marriage, their children, their parents, their friends, family, church, and job.
I know that I am good at "coming off OK." Only the people who really know me know when this façade is on. Only the people who are around me many hours a week know when I am not doing ok, but still may not know what is or has been going on.
Most of the time I don't even know what is going on until it hits me like a ton of bricks. Or there's the "straw that broke the camels back."
So much has been happening in the world around me. Not even in my life but I am sure feeling the weigh of it all! Things from a friend having cancer, to a friends uncle passing away from lymphoma, to a friend of a friend's baby being born with anencephaly. I don't "take on" any of these things, but they certainly weigh heavy on my heart. My heart breaks because our world is so broken and full of heartache.
Sometimes I just want to hole up in my own little corner of the world and not have to face what is out there.
If I feel this way ... how many out there in the real world also experience this? The outside may look picture perfect, but how is your heart? That is what I am after. That is what I long to know.
~~
It brings my heart such joy to see that through so much of the pain in the world, God has been glorified! I feel like if I were in the shoes of any one of the for mentioned people, my faith would falter. Perhaps theirs did too. I really don't know. I just know what is shared on blogs, facebook, or text messages.
I see how such pain and sorrow brings marriages closer, and makes friendships stronger, and how it allows for a channel for God's love to freely flow.
I pray that through all of life's ebbs and flows that I remain faithful and true to the only One who makes it all worth it.
In the midst of all the mess, God has a message.
The past few days have once again been eye opening and insightful into my very being. I see areas where I need the grace of God and His healing touch. I see areas where He has already healed me and blessed me beyond measure. I see a side by side of who I used to be and who I am today.
When the seas rage and the storm batters me around, Christ is my anchor. He is the one who I hold to and who keeps me steady.
As long as my heart beats and my lungs breath, this world will be fraught with trials, hurts, joys, laughter, tears and memories.
I want to steward all that I have been blessed with and use all that is within me to pour out into the lives around me.
God is my shield. God is my strength. God is my healer. God is my Father.
Victory belongs to the Lord.
~~
I pray for everyone effected by the pain of this world. I pray for comfort and peace. I pray that God uses these hardships as a lever to shift perspectives and open hearts. I pray that joy comes in the morning. I pray that people wouldn't feel the need to wear their happy face. I pray that people are free to express their love, hurt, pain, and joy. I pray that others have a desire to know the hearts of those around them.
I pray for a deeper unity. I pray for eyes and ears and hearts to be open to God's love and mercies. I pray that people unite as one and walk in faith and confidence taking their God-ordained place in the Body of Christ.
My prayer is that the world sees healing. I pray we start to build each other up and not tear each other down. I pray that through the pain of life, we can be the pillar for those weaker, so that they may grow stronger and hold us when the time comes.
May judgments and criticism pass away. Let all that is not from God pass away, making room for God to manifest His glories in the hearts of those who have accepted Him and those yet to accept Him.
~~
May I be a witness to the world that Jesus Christ is alive and lives in you and lives in me. Amen.
The constant fight between the heart, the head and the soul.
People from the outside look like they've got it going for them. It looks like they live a happy life with their marriage, their children, their parents, their friends, family, church, and job.
I know that I am good at "coming off OK." Only the people who really know me know when this façade is on. Only the people who are around me many hours a week know when I am not doing ok, but still may not know what is or has been going on.
Most of the time I don't even know what is going on until it hits me like a ton of bricks. Or there's the "straw that broke the camels back."
So much has been happening in the world around me. Not even in my life but I am sure feeling the weigh of it all! Things from a friend having cancer, to a friends uncle passing away from lymphoma, to a friend of a friend's baby being born with anencephaly. I don't "take on" any of these things, but they certainly weigh heavy on my heart. My heart breaks because our world is so broken and full of heartache.
Sometimes I just want to hole up in my own little corner of the world and not have to face what is out there.
If I feel this way ... how many out there in the real world also experience this? The outside may look picture perfect, but how is your heart? That is what I am after. That is what I long to know.
~~
It brings my heart such joy to see that through so much of the pain in the world, God has been glorified! I feel like if I were in the shoes of any one of the for mentioned people, my faith would falter. Perhaps theirs did too. I really don't know. I just know what is shared on blogs, facebook, or text messages.
I see how such pain and sorrow brings marriages closer, and makes friendships stronger, and how it allows for a channel for God's love to freely flow.
I pray that through all of life's ebbs and flows that I remain faithful and true to the only One who makes it all worth it.
In the midst of all the mess, God has a message.
The past few days have once again been eye opening and insightful into my very being. I see areas where I need the grace of God and His healing touch. I see areas where He has already healed me and blessed me beyond measure. I see a side by side of who I used to be and who I am today.
When the seas rage and the storm batters me around, Christ is my anchor. He is the one who I hold to and who keeps me steady.
As long as my heart beats and my lungs breath, this world will be fraught with trials, hurts, joys, laughter, tears and memories.
I want to steward all that I have been blessed with and use all that is within me to pour out into the lives around me.
God is my shield. God is my strength. God is my healer. God is my Father.
Victory belongs to the Lord.
~~
I pray for everyone effected by the pain of this world. I pray for comfort and peace. I pray that God uses these hardships as a lever to shift perspectives and open hearts. I pray that joy comes in the morning. I pray that people wouldn't feel the need to wear their happy face. I pray that people are free to express their love, hurt, pain, and joy. I pray that others have a desire to know the hearts of those around them.
I pray for a deeper unity. I pray for eyes and ears and hearts to be open to God's love and mercies. I pray that people unite as one and walk in faith and confidence taking their God-ordained place in the Body of Christ.
My prayer is that the world sees healing. I pray we start to build each other up and not tear each other down. I pray that through the pain of life, we can be the pillar for those weaker, so that they may grow stronger and hold us when the time comes.
May judgments and criticism pass away. Let all that is not from God pass away, making room for God to manifest His glories in the hearts of those who have accepted Him and those yet to accept Him.
~~
May I be a witness to the world that Jesus Christ is alive and lives in you and lives in me. Amen.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Looking backwards
Everyone has their own story. Everyone is going to do what they are going to do. Everyone has a story that plays out in their own head. That story has been shaped by their world discoveries. Their hurts, joys, pains and sorrows all play into why a particular person does what they do, says what they say, and acts how they act.
Am I too quick to judge "Oh I would never do/say/etc., that!" Um. If I were in their shoes and had their backstory, can I honestly say that?
I come from a place where depression and anxiety ran rampant in my life. I let it control me. I could not escape it. I thought I tried, but all I was doing was living a mobile pity party where if you didn't join me, you were on the list.
Coming from that place, one may think I have compassion and empathy in excess. But I don't. I cannot stand it when someone allows their circumstances to define how they respond to a situation. When someone is depressed or anxious I really just want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them telling them to "get over it!"
Again, coming from that place, I know that does not, and will not work.
For a long time I thought "tough love" is what helped me overcome my own mental health. I was living in a situation where my tears were left to be caught only by my pillow. I tried so desperately to reach out for help. Unfortunately I was seeking help from people who did not know how to seek help or be helped themselves. I was emotionally "grabbed" and basically told that I needed to stop being "self-seeking." That is not something you ever say to someone without ample ground to stand on. The people this was coming from were fighting battles as big as mine.
If you are going to seek advice and counsel form someone with depression or anxiety, make sure they have their under control first.
After some time and a drastic change in my environment and seeking the people who were qualified to help me, I grew and overcame more then I ever envisioned for myself.
What helped? There wasn't just one thing. Or even a few things. It was a whole sequence of life events. I moved into a stable environment where I felt I was wanted. My every action wasn't questioned or challenged. I got plugged in with a social group my own age. I went to college and excelled. God found me and revealed Himself, revealing He left my side, not even once. I finally had friends.
The process was certainly not easy, but looking back at it, I needed it.
I have often heard people say "if I knew then what I know now..." and I think to myself that "if I knew then, what I know now" I would not change a thing. In some of those trying moments I gained perspective, persistence, patience, love, compassion, and an understanding that I would not have if it weren't for me living my life.
There is bit of wisdom in my short years that I pray I can pass on to those in need of it.
All in all, my story has shaped me. I am far from perfect, and I know my life isn't done yet. I have a role to play in this life yet.
And so do you.
Am I too quick to judge "Oh I would never do/say/etc., that!" Um. If I were in their shoes and had their backstory, can I honestly say that?
I come from a place where depression and anxiety ran rampant in my life. I let it control me. I could not escape it. I thought I tried, but all I was doing was living a mobile pity party where if you didn't join me, you were on the list.
Coming from that place, one may think I have compassion and empathy in excess. But I don't. I cannot stand it when someone allows their circumstances to define how they respond to a situation. When someone is depressed or anxious I really just want to grab them by their shoulders and shake them telling them to "get over it!"
Again, coming from that place, I know that does not, and will not work.
For a long time I thought "tough love" is what helped me overcome my own mental health. I was living in a situation where my tears were left to be caught only by my pillow. I tried so desperately to reach out for help. Unfortunately I was seeking help from people who did not know how to seek help or be helped themselves. I was emotionally "grabbed" and basically told that I needed to stop being "self-seeking." That is not something you ever say to someone without ample ground to stand on. The people this was coming from were fighting battles as big as mine.
If you are going to seek advice and counsel form someone with depression or anxiety, make sure they have their under control first.
After some time and a drastic change in my environment and seeking the people who were qualified to help me, I grew and overcame more then I ever envisioned for myself.
What helped? There wasn't just one thing. Or even a few things. It was a whole sequence of life events. I moved into a stable environment where I felt I was wanted. My every action wasn't questioned or challenged. I got plugged in with a social group my own age. I went to college and excelled. God found me and revealed Himself, revealing He left my side, not even once. I finally had friends.
The process was certainly not easy, but looking back at it, I needed it.
I have often heard people say "if I knew then what I know now..." and I think to myself that "if I knew then, what I know now" I would not change a thing. In some of those trying moments I gained perspective, persistence, patience, love, compassion, and an understanding that I would not have if it weren't for me living my life.
There is bit of wisdom in my short years that I pray I can pass on to those in need of it.
All in all, my story has shaped me. I am far from perfect, and I know my life isn't done yet. I have a role to play in this life yet.
And so do you.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
| Thoughs and a Book Review |
Last night I finally finished Blue Like Jazz. It was overall a great read. I enjoyed looking into the life of Don Miller and reading about his personal stories and the stories of those close to him. I like how he referred to their life journey's as songs.
He has a heart for people. He loved on the people that most people would not love. His attitude towards them was one that I have not really encountered in a Christian world (as he so thoroughly repeats throughout the book). Homosexuals, drug addicts, and pastors/people that cuss. I don't know if he was a self-proclaimed Democrat, or just had a thing against churches supporting the Republican Party. That part never become incredibly clear to me.
But I understood his point of view. If you aren't Republican, and if you aren't completely abrogated by homosexuality, abortions, the use of drugs and alcohol, then I can see where people would feel there is not place for them in the church if they have differing viewpoints (note: I my view on the mentioned subjects if irrelevant in this post).
There were some things he mentioned that really irked me. He said them so matter of factly and with such conviction that my very heart ached. There were some beliefs that I used to believe until I encountered the Love of God so wholly and so purely. There were some blanket statements that he mentioned that caused some tensions in my heart.
I long for the Church of Christ to be united, to be One. I want everyone to share common beliefs and work towards peace and harmony. Can we be one, and still be different? We aren't carbon copies of each other.
Someone shared online "I want to life a life that others will want to imitate." And while I agree with that, there is also a part of me that disagrees with that. Focusing on God? Yes. Imitate that. But so often I know that I have tried too hard to be like someone else because they seemed to have life together. They were bolder then me. They spoke up more readily. They knew that they wanted in life. They had vision and dreams. Being someone that others want to imitate is living life boldly. Living life for Christ. I don't know if I want others to imitate me. I only want this if they are imitating God that they see in me. I want to inspire others to live their life to their greatest potential. I want others to see God, not me. I want others to put others before themselves, so that they rise on heavenly thrones.
Reading authors that challenge me and inspire me are great. I am not sure there is such a thing as a "bad author." People are going to write based on where they are in life. It is my duty to read everything with discernment and through a God-filter; accepting what fits and passing on what doesn't.
God is love. God turns messes into messages. He leads me and fulfills me. Regardless of my thoughts on the book, I recommend it. Depending on where you are in your spiritual walk, it will encourage, inspire, and challenge you on so many levels. Even if that means you despise the book ... it will teach love and seeing the other side of the story.
He has a heart for people. He loved on the people that most people would not love. His attitude towards them was one that I have not really encountered in a Christian world (as he so thoroughly repeats throughout the book). Homosexuals, drug addicts, and pastors/people that cuss. I don't know if he was a self-proclaimed Democrat, or just had a thing against churches supporting the Republican Party. That part never become incredibly clear to me.
But I understood his point of view. If you aren't Republican, and if you aren't completely abrogated by homosexuality, abortions, the use of drugs and alcohol, then I can see where people would feel there is not place for them in the church if they have differing viewpoints (note: I my view on the mentioned subjects if irrelevant in this post).
There were some things he mentioned that really irked me. He said them so matter of factly and with such conviction that my very heart ached. There were some beliefs that I used to believe until I encountered the Love of God so wholly and so purely. There were some blanket statements that he mentioned that caused some tensions in my heart.
I long for the Church of Christ to be united, to be One. I want everyone to share common beliefs and work towards peace and harmony. Can we be one, and still be different? We aren't carbon copies of each other.
Someone shared online "I want to life a life that others will want to imitate." And while I agree with that, there is also a part of me that disagrees with that. Focusing on God? Yes. Imitate that. But so often I know that I have tried too hard to be like someone else because they seemed to have life together. They were bolder then me. They spoke up more readily. They knew that they wanted in life. They had vision and dreams. Being someone that others want to imitate is living life boldly. Living life for Christ. I don't know if I want others to imitate me. I only want this if they are imitating God that they see in me. I want to inspire others to live their life to their greatest potential. I want others to see God, not me. I want others to put others before themselves, so that they rise on heavenly thrones.
Reading authors that challenge me and inspire me are great. I am not sure there is such a thing as a "bad author." People are going to write based on where they are in life. It is my duty to read everything with discernment and through a God-filter; accepting what fits and passing on what doesn't.
God is love. God turns messes into messages. He leads me and fulfills me. Regardless of my thoughts on the book, I recommend it. Depending on where you are in your spiritual walk, it will encourage, inspire, and challenge you on so many levels. Even if that means you despise the book ... it will teach love and seeing the other side of the story.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Thoughts into Words into Actions
Recently I have discovered my passion for reading again. This doesn't occur often, but there are some books in due seasons that I open up and cannot put down until I have finished it. Then there are books that I read and I put down a chapter or two in, but then pick up several months later and carry on right from where I left off.
The first is true about Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz." I opened the book about a week ago, and I was planning to read a chapter a day - which would equal about 21 days or so. But as of last night, I am at the last 2 chapters. I plan to finish it tonight or tomorrow.
The second plays out when it comes to Lisa Bevere's "Girls with Swords." I started reading this book at least 4 or more months ago for the 3rd time. I was only reading it on breaks at work, when we hit the busy season, and didn't have much down time for book reading breaks. I picked it up again this week, and have realized what I love about it once again.
My struggle with reading, is that I feel like I nod along loving what I read, but it doesn't sink it. It doesn't stick around. I can read one sentence, or a whole chapter .. as soon as I close the book, ask me what I learned and I'll have to really think about it and see if anything was committed to memory. I hate that. I really wish I understood the grander picture and was able to turn the words and thoughts into actions.
To a certain degree, I feel this problem really isn't much of a problem. Yet at the same time I feel it might be more of one than I already admit.
I feel I can be too much of a realist. I don't really go beyond the surface level. I don't dig in deep. I don't search and compare and find similarities (all perceived in this moment, but I know that this is not actually 100% true; at least it does not apply to every area in my life).
Don Miller writes pretty much how he sees it and has lived it. He is transparent, and shares things in his book that I'd imagine you'd only know about him based off from reading the book. He doesn't write with an ashamed language. He puts it rather bluntly and gently. He hits the nail right on the head when it comes to the feels of living in a deeply ritualistic, religious way of living.
Lisa Bevere writes and compares how using God's Word as a Sword is like fencing. I can't say that I would have ever made that connection aside from reading the book. Then again, that's why the book sells, I'd imagine. Had she thought her ideas were crazy, I (and a lot of other people) would not have been blessed with the privilege of experiencing and applying her wisdom to our lives.
One of the most recent pages stated that when Jesus was obedient, all that looked crazy to the world, was ultimately what the world needed to give life. I look at Mary, the Mother of God, and see how her simple "Yes, Lord" changed history. I reflect on Abraham and Noah,and other Old Testament Names -- how when they said "Yes, Lord" the world mocked and ridiculed them. They changed the world. They risked looking foolish, and having to explain a whole lot had God not come through on His promises!
I look to this ancestors and I walk in faith with Foster Care. To the world it might look foolish to be doing this as a single parent. But to God, I have said "Yes, Lord. Send me."
The first is true about Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz." I opened the book about a week ago, and I was planning to read a chapter a day - which would equal about 21 days or so. But as of last night, I am at the last 2 chapters. I plan to finish it tonight or tomorrow.
The second plays out when it comes to Lisa Bevere's "Girls with Swords." I started reading this book at least 4 or more months ago for the 3rd time. I was only reading it on breaks at work, when we hit the busy season, and didn't have much down time for book reading breaks. I picked it up again this week, and have realized what I love about it once again.
My struggle with reading, is that I feel like I nod along loving what I read, but it doesn't sink it. It doesn't stick around. I can read one sentence, or a whole chapter .. as soon as I close the book, ask me what I learned and I'll have to really think about it and see if anything was committed to memory. I hate that. I really wish I understood the grander picture and was able to turn the words and thoughts into actions.
To a certain degree, I feel this problem really isn't much of a problem. Yet at the same time I feel it might be more of one than I already admit.
I feel I can be too much of a realist. I don't really go beyond the surface level. I don't dig in deep. I don't search and compare and find similarities (all perceived in this moment, but I know that this is not actually 100% true; at least it does not apply to every area in my life).
Don Miller writes pretty much how he sees it and has lived it. He is transparent, and shares things in his book that I'd imagine you'd only know about him based off from reading the book. He doesn't write with an ashamed language. He puts it rather bluntly and gently. He hits the nail right on the head when it comes to the feels of living in a deeply ritualistic, religious way of living.
Lisa Bevere writes and compares how using God's Word as a Sword is like fencing. I can't say that I would have ever made that connection aside from reading the book. Then again, that's why the book sells, I'd imagine. Had she thought her ideas were crazy, I (and a lot of other people) would not have been blessed with the privilege of experiencing and applying her wisdom to our lives.
One of the most recent pages stated that when Jesus was obedient, all that looked crazy to the world, was ultimately what the world needed to give life. I look at Mary, the Mother of God, and see how her simple "Yes, Lord" changed history. I reflect on Abraham and Noah,and other Old Testament Names -- how when they said "Yes, Lord" the world mocked and ridiculed them. They changed the world. They risked looking foolish, and having to explain a whole lot had God not come through on His promises!
I look to this ancestors and I walk in faith with Foster Care. To the world it might look foolish to be doing this as a single parent. But to God, I have said "Yes, Lord. Send me."
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
See Through Me
I have been re-reading many of my old posts. Facebook has this new memory flashback type of thing. I have it set to remind me to look at it, and I see that a lot of my past years were spent blogging and sharing and living my life out loud.
When did I become so quiet? We live in such a day and age where everyone is offended by everything. Has this mentality subtly, yet surely, crept into my way of thinking? Have I stopped sharing out of fear that someone will disagree?
Over the years I have become a homebody. A recluse, almost. I get burned out when I engage in too much social excitement. I like to sit and read. I enjoy knitting and watching Netflix. I sit upstairs in solitude.
Part of this behavior I associate with my job. I have constant human interaction. I was working a job in home health care where I worked with an introverted client and had next to 0 social interaction. I craved to get out. I would hardly be home. I was on the go on the go on the go constantly. Perhaps some growing up happened along the way too. I love people, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be home with my mind absorbed in Blue Like Jazz or Think Differently, Lead Differently or one of the Hardy Boys Books.
Lately I have been behind the sewing machine again. I have long missed it. Back in 2003-2008, I was hardcore into sewing. I have brought sewing back into my own personal fashion, and have ben going crazy with the baby burp cloths.
Faith is more consistent and less of a roller coaster. I have made the Catholic church my home. I have been learning more about the riches it offers. There are still some hardcore beliefs and teachings that I am digging deeper into because there are so many conflicting and confusing teachings on the issues. The world around me has become so political. So many people fight politicians and Planned Parenthood.
The battle is far deeper than what our physical eyes see. The world fights a battle against the principalities of the dark world. Yes, I believe they are covered with words and actions such as abortion and homosexuality. Furthermore, I believe that these actions are a result, not the cause. God has painted a very clear picture, making it known to us that the enemy prowls around like a lion. The enemy's main goal is to seek, to kill and to destroy.
We see that in broken marriages, broken families, and broken relationships. I want to go back to living boldly for Christ. How did I get so stuck in a rut? When did I stop? When did my world change? The past 2-3 years have been filled with turning new leaves and starting new chapters.
God has been with me the entire time. I am so thankful for new dreams, and old dreams brought back into new light.
This past year has been one of the hardest years emotionally. I went through more trials in the past 12-17 months than I would wish upon anyone. This is my story, though. I was thinking recently that "if I knew then what I know now ..." kind of thoughts, and it dawned on me that I needed to live through what I have. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. This is part of my testimony. This is where I am in life. I would not know what I know now if I had an easy ride through life. Yes, others have experienced far more than me. Other's have been through gut-wrenching life trials. Other have been at the bottom. Other's have risen about it. This is the nature of our fallen world. I rejoice with the rejoicing. I mourn with those who mourn. May God shower His love and mercy on the world as we can get so lost and lose sight of faith. Amen.
When did I become so quiet? We live in such a day and age where everyone is offended by everything. Has this mentality subtly, yet surely, crept into my way of thinking? Have I stopped sharing out of fear that someone will disagree?
Over the years I have become a homebody. A recluse, almost. I get burned out when I engage in too much social excitement. I like to sit and read. I enjoy knitting and watching Netflix. I sit upstairs in solitude.
Part of this behavior I associate with my job. I have constant human interaction. I was working a job in home health care where I worked with an introverted client and had next to 0 social interaction. I craved to get out. I would hardly be home. I was on the go on the go on the go constantly. Perhaps some growing up happened along the way too. I love people, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be home with my mind absorbed in Blue Like Jazz or Think Differently, Lead Differently or one of the Hardy Boys Books.
Lately I have been behind the sewing machine again. I have long missed it. Back in 2003-2008, I was hardcore into sewing. I have brought sewing back into my own personal fashion, and have ben going crazy with the baby burp cloths.
Faith is more consistent and less of a roller coaster. I have made the Catholic church my home. I have been learning more about the riches it offers. There are still some hardcore beliefs and teachings that I am digging deeper into because there are so many conflicting and confusing teachings on the issues. The world around me has become so political. So many people fight politicians and Planned Parenthood.
The battle is far deeper than what our physical eyes see. The world fights a battle against the principalities of the dark world. Yes, I believe they are covered with words and actions such as abortion and homosexuality. Furthermore, I believe that these actions are a result, not the cause. God has painted a very clear picture, making it known to us that the enemy prowls around like a lion. The enemy's main goal is to seek, to kill and to destroy.
We see that in broken marriages, broken families, and broken relationships. I want to go back to living boldly for Christ. How did I get so stuck in a rut? When did I stop? When did my world change? The past 2-3 years have been filled with turning new leaves and starting new chapters.
God has been with me the entire time. I am so thankful for new dreams, and old dreams brought back into new light.
This past year has been one of the hardest years emotionally. I went through more trials in the past 12-17 months than I would wish upon anyone. This is my story, though. I was thinking recently that "if I knew then what I know now ..." kind of thoughts, and it dawned on me that I needed to live through what I have. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. This is part of my testimony. This is where I am in life. I would not know what I know now if I had an easy ride through life. Yes, others have experienced far more than me. Other's have been through gut-wrenching life trials. Other have been at the bottom. Other's have risen about it. This is the nature of our fallen world. I rejoice with the rejoicing. I mourn with those who mourn. May God shower His love and mercy on the world as we can get so lost and lose sight of faith. Amen.
So much
A new year, a new day, a new beginning.
All that was is no longer, and all that is yet to come is here.
That really doesn't make much sense. In the world of realists, what was .. there is still some of that. And what is yet to come is here? Is that like magical? No.
My birthday has come and gone. A new year is here. One where I can do bigger and better things then I've ever done or experienced before.
Bring on the new year.
All that was is no longer, and all that is yet to come is here.
That really doesn't make much sense. In the world of realists, what was .. there is still some of that. And what is yet to come is here? Is that like magical? No.
My birthday has come and gone. A new year is here. One where I can do bigger and better things then I've ever done or experienced before.
Bring on the new year.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Beauty from the Ashes
So much beauty arises when we allow the one who shaped the world to manifest in our hearts.
Monday, February 23, 2015
What's Done is Done
It has long been in the pipelines. I finally signed up for my first half-marathon for this fall.
The weight of it has not sunk in yet. I can't fathom that I have done what is done.
These sub zero temperatures do not inspires me to get out and run.
My friends inspire me. Regardless of circumstance, they don't make excuses. They just run.
The weight of it has not sunk in yet. I can't fathom that I have done what is done.
These sub zero temperatures do not inspires me to get out and run.
My friends inspire me. Regardless of circumstance, they don't make excuses. They just run.
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