Last night I had an amazing experience. As simple as it might seem, it was quite a huge blessing to me. I have been keeping a journal in the 5 subject notebook for over a year now. It holds much of my life's story and contains some very in-depth conversations about my life and the circumstances in my life. Also, many situations that I have been working on letting go of and moving past are in there. Last night I was overcome with such a peace and realization. I felt ready to let go of the past. I was ready for the new. So I took my journal and put it in the trash. I opened up a brand new journal and began writing. New beginnings were almost the first words. My old me is gone. I am new. I am taking this moment and moving forward. Not hanging onto past mistakes or past regrets.
I have some amazing people in my life whom accept me for whom I am today, and don't hang onto my past. They realize that whom I am today is because of my past, but that my past does not define me.
I look forward to what the future holds. I await what this new chapter/book of my life holds. <3
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The Self
Myself. Yourself. Themselves. Himself. Herself. Me, Myself and I.
Self-love. Self-pity. Self-hatred. Self-forgiveness. Self-harm. Self-doubt. Self-recognition. Self, self, self, self...
Many of these words or phrases are words that are heard, if not used by many, if not all of us, on a daily basis. Sometimes it seems that we live in such a fast paced world that is all about "me, myself and I." Sometimes there is such a feeling that "only I can fix myself," "no one can help, I have to do it," "I have to accept myself before anyone else will accept me ... love me ... etc."
There are many struggles associated with the self. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we didn't rely on ourselves alone? The extraordinary thing is that we don't have to! We have an amazing God who is forever by our side! In the current world, God is almost all but forgotten. Instead of turning to God, we now turn inward, to ourselves to solve all of the worlds problems. We turn to our family, friends, neighbors, counselors, therapists, and anyone and everything but God!
To a certain degree, we do have to have that self-reliance, self-love, self-acceptance. But we must do it in accordance with God's Will. We must turn to Him in all our troubles and afflictions. Sometime turning to God IS by going to see any of the said persons mentioned above. God will guide us whom to turn to, all we have to do is have faith and trust in Him! We need to have faith and trust in Him to help us trust ourselves.
Too many days are spent belittling ourselves and putting ourselves down and just bashing ourselves. We hold onto the past and forget that Jesus died on the cross to save us. We are already forgiven; why continue holding onto the baggage, when Jesus and God don't? I have struggle with letting go of the past. There are just some things in my life that I still ask myself "Why??" "Why did I do that?" "Why didn't I stop that?"
Many of these things are revolving around a new special someone that I have been getting to know. The more we get to know each other, the more things we share with each other. This leads me to believe that at some point, if things continue as they are going, there will be a point when I share some things that I almost feel as though I want to bury and never let them resurface ever again. I start thinking "How can someone accept those things?" "How can someone forgive me?" "Why, why, why???" I have those moments when I realize that I learned and grew from the past. Then the devil gets in there and tries to tell me how horrible I am. He brings with him much fear, attached to all of this. Fear of rejection is prolly one of the biggest ones. Fear that when certain parts of my life have light shed on them, I am going to be left standing alone.
With that being said, that is all self-judgment. This person is an amazing person. I have to remember to have trust in the Lord. If God has intended this person to remain in my life, nothing in my past will keep us apart. Not to say it will be easy, but God will certainly help me.
Everything basically boils down to having a sole reliance on God. Thru Him ALL things are possible.
"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." — Khalil Gibran
Self-love. Self-pity. Self-hatred. Self-forgiveness. Self-harm. Self-doubt. Self-recognition. Self, self, self, self...
Many of these words or phrases are words that are heard, if not used by many, if not all of us, on a daily basis. Sometimes it seems that we live in such a fast paced world that is all about "me, myself and I." Sometimes there is such a feeling that "only I can fix myself," "no one can help, I have to do it," "I have to accept myself before anyone else will accept me ... love me ... etc."
There are many struggles associated with the self. Wouldn't life be so much simpler if we didn't rely on ourselves alone? The extraordinary thing is that we don't have to! We have an amazing God who is forever by our side! In the current world, God is almost all but forgotten. Instead of turning to God, we now turn inward, to ourselves to solve all of the worlds problems. We turn to our family, friends, neighbors, counselors, therapists, and anyone and everything but God!
To a certain degree, we do have to have that self-reliance, self-love, self-acceptance. But we must do it in accordance with God's Will. We must turn to Him in all our troubles and afflictions. Sometime turning to God IS by going to see any of the said persons mentioned above. God will guide us whom to turn to, all we have to do is have faith and trust in Him! We need to have faith and trust in Him to help us trust ourselves.
Too many days are spent belittling ourselves and putting ourselves down and just bashing ourselves. We hold onto the past and forget that Jesus died on the cross to save us. We are already forgiven; why continue holding onto the baggage, when Jesus and God don't? I have struggle with letting go of the past. There are just some things in my life that I still ask myself "Why??" "Why did I do that?" "Why didn't I stop that?"
Many of these things are revolving around a new special someone that I have been getting to know. The more we get to know each other, the more things we share with each other. This leads me to believe that at some point, if things continue as they are going, there will be a point when I share some things that I almost feel as though I want to bury and never let them resurface ever again. I start thinking "How can someone accept those things?" "How can someone forgive me?" "Why, why, why???" I have those moments when I realize that I learned and grew from the past. Then the devil gets in there and tries to tell me how horrible I am. He brings with him much fear, attached to all of this. Fear of rejection is prolly one of the biggest ones. Fear that when certain parts of my life have light shed on them, I am going to be left standing alone.
With that being said, that is all self-judgment. This person is an amazing person. I have to remember to have trust in the Lord. If God has intended this person to remain in my life, nothing in my past will keep us apart. Not to say it will be easy, but God will certainly help me.
Everything basically boils down to having a sole reliance on God. Thru Him ALL things are possible.
"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." — Khalil Gibran
Monday, July 25, 2011
A little bit of everything
I have had an absolutely amazing week. I met new people and continue to grow in friendship with the people that I have known a little longer.
On Saturday, I again got to go serve the homeless. Again, I am in complete awe of how wonderful that experience was! I knew that it was something that I wanted to do, but at the same time, I was afraid that I would roast inside with the hot weather that we had been having. This just proves that I should not have preconceived notions or ideas of what the experience will be like. Two weeks ago when I first served, I wore jeans and a sleeveless top and running shoes. The air conditioning unit was turned on when we arrived, and with all of the movement, I was over heating rather quickly. Thank goodness for a bottle of water I received before we handed it all away! So after that experience, I was seriously scared for what I would be facing a second time around. Part of me was almost talking myself out of doing the mission, and just going somewhere outdoors where it would be cooler, or even just staying home. The voice of God kept saying that all will be well, that if I do as He wishes, then I will be blessed. Most certainly blessed I was! How incredible! I went prepared: shorts, and tee shirt and sandals. And of course a big bottle of water. (I can still come prepared from past experiences!) At 11:20 I began helping to unload the trailer. As I walked into the church where they were holding the mission, I was immediately greeted with the cool fans of the air conditioner! Apparently the air conditioner was left on all night long for us! It was in that moment that I turned to heaven and acknowledged that God was most definitely looking out for me. In addition, there were 13 people helping with the mission on this particular day! That meant that a lot of us did a little and there wasn't as much running around overheating. How wonderful our God is!
Yesterday, for another time, God proved that His plans trump my plans. For nearly two weeks, I had been planning on getting together with my sister and a couple of friends and hopefully going to the beach. Well, on Saturday, it was predicted 60% chance of storms along the lakeshore. Talking with my sister and friends, we decided that we would just go to the Fredrick Meijer Gardens and hang out there. The plans were made the night before, as that is how I typically roll. Yea. An hour before the scheduled meeting time, I got a text from my sister saying that due to unforeseen circumstances, unfortunately she could not come, but wished us a good time. Although I was frustrated and disappointed that this happened yet again, I wanted to make the best of my day and not ruin it for the other girls.
The three of us were rather indecisive, so we called another friend, who we were getting together with as well, to see what she wanted to do. Since the weather was beautiful with the sun shining, she decided that we were beach bound!
And off we went. The water was almost perfect, and we could not have asked for more beautiful weather! After 3 or so hours, we were ready for dinner. It was Panera bread here we come!! We enjoyed a lovely dinner in Grand Haven, before driving past the lake seeing that I had never been there before. We agreed that one of our next beach trips will have to be to Grand Haven!
Then it was homeward bound. I have to admit I was a little nervous about the trip home considering our last adventure, but that is where complete faith and trust in God comes into play. I trusted that God would get us all home safe, and that everything would be fine -- that worry was unnecessary. We all arrived home safely -- despite my phone *pinging* every couple of minutes, eventually resulting in the ringer being turned off.
I am ever so thankful for everything that God has been blessing me with. He certainly knows all that I need. I have met some incredible people who see life along the same lines that I do, and we all run with God.
Six weeks ago, I certainly did not foresee anything of the sort of what I have been blessed with. Six weeks ago I did not have any friends, or talk to anyone, or go out and anything. Now here I am, with a social life that fills almost all of my free time! How great is God for blessing me with such wonderful people who know Him and serve Him and love Him!
Actions speak louder then words, and I certainly aspire to proclaim God's goodness by my actions.
On Saturday, I again got to go serve the homeless. Again, I am in complete awe of how wonderful that experience was! I knew that it was something that I wanted to do, but at the same time, I was afraid that I would roast inside with the hot weather that we had been having. This just proves that I should not have preconceived notions or ideas of what the experience will be like. Two weeks ago when I first served, I wore jeans and a sleeveless top and running shoes. The air conditioning unit was turned on when we arrived, and with all of the movement, I was over heating rather quickly. Thank goodness for a bottle of water I received before we handed it all away! So after that experience, I was seriously scared for what I would be facing a second time around. Part of me was almost talking myself out of doing the mission, and just going somewhere outdoors where it would be cooler, or even just staying home. The voice of God kept saying that all will be well, that if I do as He wishes, then I will be blessed. Most certainly blessed I was! How incredible! I went prepared: shorts, and tee shirt and sandals. And of course a big bottle of water. (I can still come prepared from past experiences!) At 11:20 I began helping to unload the trailer. As I walked into the church where they were holding the mission, I was immediately greeted with the cool fans of the air conditioner! Apparently the air conditioner was left on all night long for us! It was in that moment that I turned to heaven and acknowledged that God was most definitely looking out for me. In addition, there were 13 people helping with the mission on this particular day! That meant that a lot of us did a little and there wasn't as much running around overheating. How wonderful our God is!
Yesterday, for another time, God proved that His plans trump my plans. For nearly two weeks, I had been planning on getting together with my sister and a couple of friends and hopefully going to the beach. Well, on Saturday, it was predicted 60% chance of storms along the lakeshore. Talking with my sister and friends, we decided that we would just go to the Fredrick Meijer Gardens and hang out there. The plans were made the night before, as that is how I typically roll. Yea. An hour before the scheduled meeting time, I got a text from my sister saying that due to unforeseen circumstances, unfortunately she could not come, but wished us a good time. Although I was frustrated and disappointed that this happened yet again, I wanted to make the best of my day and not ruin it for the other girls.
The three of us were rather indecisive, so we called another friend, who we were getting together with as well, to see what she wanted to do. Since the weather was beautiful with the sun shining, she decided that we were beach bound!
And off we went. The water was almost perfect, and we could not have asked for more beautiful weather! After 3 or so hours, we were ready for dinner. It was Panera bread here we come!! We enjoyed a lovely dinner in Grand Haven, before driving past the lake seeing that I had never been there before. We agreed that one of our next beach trips will have to be to Grand Haven!
Then it was homeward bound. I have to admit I was a little nervous about the trip home considering our last adventure, but that is where complete faith and trust in God comes into play. I trusted that God would get us all home safe, and that everything would be fine -- that worry was unnecessary. We all arrived home safely -- despite my phone *pinging* every couple of minutes, eventually resulting in the ringer being turned off.
I am ever so thankful for everything that God has been blessing me with. He certainly knows all that I need. I have met some incredible people who see life along the same lines that I do, and we all run with God.
Six weeks ago, I certainly did not foresee anything of the sort of what I have been blessed with. Six weeks ago I did not have any friends, or talk to anyone, or go out and anything. Now here I am, with a social life that fills almost all of my free time! How great is God for blessing me with such wonderful people who know Him and serve Him and love Him!
Actions speak louder then words, and I certainly aspire to proclaim God's goodness by my actions.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
All's well that ends well
Wow what a heck of a start to the day! Or an end to last night. Either way, I am happy that all has ended well and it is almost bed time!
Last night resulted in getting called into work for 3 hours, getting home after 11:30. Of course I don't go to bed right away, but typically fall asleep by 1a. This morning I had to work at 9a. No problemo. Just do what I always do. Yea right. Woke up at 8:32. So uncommon for me to oversleep. Yes, I cut it right to the wire, but usually never over it! Well, up and scramble and hurry and out the door by 8:39. How I despise those kind of mornings! At least I got my teeth brushed and hair combed ... sorta.
So on the road I go. I am normally on the road by 8:37, getting to work with 2 minutes to spare, so I knew I would get to work on time, despite cutting it so close. That was until I missed my exit off the highway! It wasn't even like I watched it go by. I must have been in a zone, cause I remember going, "oh shoot, I totally missed my exit *insert mental facepalm*" Then I saw that I had a missed call from work, asking if I could work 3p-11p today as well. Good thing I was expecting this. I called em back, letting them know I could help out, and asked them to call my client to let her know that I was running a couple minutes behind schedule so she wouldn't worry about me. So I get to work actually only 2 minutes late --even standing at her door! Well, not only was I running late, but so was she! She wasn't even out of bed yet! So there I stood ringing the doorbell, knocking, going from front door to back door. After 8 minutes, just as I was calling work to seek advice, she opens the doors. Finally, at 9:14 I was in the house ready to begin my shift.
Oh dear to that shift! It actually went well, despite a few "why on earth's??"
Finally on the road by 12:06 and home sweet home by 12:30! Then it was showertime and time to make my lunch and dinner. Surprisingly, after what a heck of a morning, Lunch managed to survive, despite it baking whilest I was in the shower! So then time for work take 2. Running late. Again. Cried nearly all the way to work. Needed caffine, stopped at gas station. Opened cooler door onto foot. Was so ready for bed again and hopefully wake up on the right side this time. But too late for that. Time to make the best of it. Called a friend in response to a text and about lost it. I was 3 minutes late to work.
After hanging up with said friend, I got to thinking. I felt like I was at the breaking point, that I could no go on any longer, that I had had enough. Then plain as day, God spoke to me. He reminded me of my friend's most recent blog post. It is basically about an old pot that was of no use, that the potter broke and then turned into something beautiful, although it brought pain to do so. That was me today. I broke down. I cried and asked God to transform me. To make me beautiful and help me to be useful. To be the person He wants me to be. And an amazing thing happened. Such peace came over me. I just stopped crying and put a smile on my face and the rest of my day went smoothly. There were a couple tests, but my afternoon was amazing. God used my feeling of brokenness. Sometimes when we feel as though we need to break down, we really, truly do! Use those tears to wash away the old, to make room for the new!
My friend sure has an awesome way of putting a smile on my face. I am not sure whether to say despite his seriousness he is sarcastic, or to say despite his sarcasticness, he knows when to be serious. I lean towards the latter. So anyways, we were being serious and at the flip of a coin we were talking about the most random things ever. This is what happened all over text today; from computer gnomes and zombies to shovels and AK 47s. A day that started in almost complete tears, turned into an afternoon of laughs and giggle and complete silliness!
As the evening approached, things were still on the up side. As of now, things are still most definitely positive.
Though today there were moments when I was challenged and wanted to throw in the towel, I was reminded of how good our God is, how He is using everything, how He has a plan, and how I fit into that plan. I certainly have some amazing friends who continue to boost me up when I feel like going down. Thank God for all the wonderful people He has placed in my life.
God puts the right people in the right place at the right time for all the right reasons. <3
Last night resulted in getting called into work for 3 hours, getting home after 11:30. Of course I don't go to bed right away, but typically fall asleep by 1a. This morning I had to work at 9a. No problemo. Just do what I always do. Yea right. Woke up at 8:32. So uncommon for me to oversleep. Yes, I cut it right to the wire, but usually never over it! Well, up and scramble and hurry and out the door by 8:39. How I despise those kind of mornings! At least I got my teeth brushed and hair combed ... sorta.
So on the road I go. I am normally on the road by 8:37, getting to work with 2 minutes to spare, so I knew I would get to work on time, despite cutting it so close. That was until I missed my exit off the highway! It wasn't even like I watched it go by. I must have been in a zone, cause I remember going, "oh shoot, I totally missed my exit *insert mental facepalm*" Then I saw that I had a missed call from work, asking if I could work 3p-11p today as well. Good thing I was expecting this. I called em back, letting them know I could help out, and asked them to call my client to let her know that I was running a couple minutes behind schedule so she wouldn't worry about me. So I get to work actually only 2 minutes late --even standing at her door! Well, not only was I running late, but so was she! She wasn't even out of bed yet! So there I stood ringing the doorbell, knocking, going from front door to back door. After 8 minutes, just as I was calling work to seek advice, she opens the doors. Finally, at 9:14 I was in the house ready to begin my shift.
Oh dear to that shift! It actually went well, despite a few "why on earth's??"
Finally on the road by 12:06 and home sweet home by 12:30! Then it was showertime and time to make my lunch and dinner. Surprisingly, after what a heck of a morning, Lunch managed to survive, despite it baking whilest I was in the shower! So then time for work take 2. Running late. Again. Cried nearly all the way to work. Needed caffine, stopped at gas station. Opened cooler door onto foot. Was so ready for bed again and hopefully wake up on the right side this time. But too late for that. Time to make the best of it. Called a friend in response to a text and about lost it. I was 3 minutes late to work.
After hanging up with said friend, I got to thinking. I felt like I was at the breaking point, that I could no go on any longer, that I had had enough. Then plain as day, God spoke to me. He reminded me of my friend's most recent blog post. It is basically about an old pot that was of no use, that the potter broke and then turned into something beautiful, although it brought pain to do so. That was me today. I broke down. I cried and asked God to transform me. To make me beautiful and help me to be useful. To be the person He wants me to be. And an amazing thing happened. Such peace came over me. I just stopped crying and put a smile on my face and the rest of my day went smoothly. There were a couple tests, but my afternoon was amazing. God used my feeling of brokenness. Sometimes when we feel as though we need to break down, we really, truly do! Use those tears to wash away the old, to make room for the new!
My friend sure has an awesome way of putting a smile on my face. I am not sure whether to say despite his seriousness he is sarcastic, or to say despite his sarcasticness, he knows when to be serious. I lean towards the latter. So anyways, we were being serious and at the flip of a coin we were talking about the most random things ever. This is what happened all over text today; from computer gnomes and zombies to shovels and AK 47s. A day that started in almost complete tears, turned into an afternoon of laughs and giggle and complete silliness!
As the evening approached, things were still on the up side. As of now, things are still most definitely positive.
Though today there were moments when I was challenged and wanted to throw in the towel, I was reminded of how good our God is, how He is using everything, how He has a plan, and how I fit into that plan. I certainly have some amazing friends who continue to boost me up when I feel like going down. Thank God for all the wonderful people He has placed in my life.
God puts the right people in the right place at the right time for all the right reasons. <3
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
It's not about a kiss
Very recently, I have been blessed in getting to know a certain individual.
This journey, though only started 15 days ago, has the potential for great growth. We both agree that this relationship needs to have a solid foundation of friendship built in Christ.
With this person, I can joke and laugh and have a great time (as someone said, "you certainly know how to dish it to each other!"). We push and we shove and we poke each other. I can be myself. He can be himself. There is no walking away asking myself "why did I do that?" or telling myself "I should have done something different." We are honest with each other about our feelings and our morals and our values. We have a genuine respect for each other. Sometimes it feels as though I've known him for more then just over two weeks. Whilest we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other, if nothing else, we will certainly have an extraordinary friendship!
We are taking things slow; first and foremost having Christ at the center and seeing where we go from there. I feel so blessed to be getting to know this person. Today we spent almost all afternoon together. It is only the third time we've gotten together, but we communicate with each other so well. Again, there is much potential for great growth.
When I was talking with a friend, she asked "have you kissed yet??" When I replied no, I was then asked if we hold hands. And I replied no again, and that we are taking it slow. Very slow. I want to be sure that we have a lasting relationship built on Christ and that He guides us in every move we make. Actually, back 2-3 years ago, I read "I kissed dating goodbye" and loved the idea of saving the first kiss for the altar. Though I have not said that that is what I going to do, I certainly admire the idea and would love to have that goal. It would certainly take some self-control and the such. Though thru God, anything is possible!
With the blossoming of this new friendship, I am taking it day by day. There is no fantasizing about what "might be." Just focusing on the here and the now. God knows what He has in store for us. I pray that I continue on His path as He unveils this journey for us.
Just the two of us meeting is a story in and of itself. God certainly has put us in each other's life for a purpose. I wait in anticipation as he guides me down this journey!
In the meantime, I am ever so thankful for this beautiful new friendship! Amen.
This journey, though only started 15 days ago, has the potential for great growth. We both agree that this relationship needs to have a solid foundation of friendship built in Christ.
With this person, I can joke and laugh and have a great time (as someone said, "you certainly know how to dish it to each other!"). We push and we shove and we poke each other. I can be myself. He can be himself. There is no walking away asking myself "why did I do that?" or telling myself "I should have done something different." We are honest with each other about our feelings and our morals and our values. We have a genuine respect for each other. Sometimes it feels as though I've known him for more then just over two weeks. Whilest we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other, if nothing else, we will certainly have an extraordinary friendship!
We are taking things slow; first and foremost having Christ at the center and seeing where we go from there. I feel so blessed to be getting to know this person. Today we spent almost all afternoon together. It is only the third time we've gotten together, but we communicate with each other so well. Again, there is much potential for great growth.
When I was talking with a friend, she asked "have you kissed yet??" When I replied no, I was then asked if we hold hands. And I replied no again, and that we are taking it slow. Very slow. I want to be sure that we have a lasting relationship built on Christ and that He guides us in every move we make. Actually, back 2-3 years ago, I read "I kissed dating goodbye" and loved the idea of saving the first kiss for the altar. Though I have not said that that is what I going to do, I certainly admire the idea and would love to have that goal. It would certainly take some self-control and the such. Though thru God, anything is possible!
With the blossoming of this new friendship, I am taking it day by day. There is no fantasizing about what "might be." Just focusing on the here and the now. God knows what He has in store for us. I pray that I continue on His path as He unveils this journey for us.
Just the two of us meeting is a story in and of itself. God certainly has put us in each other's life for a purpose. I wait in anticipation as he guides me down this journey!
In the meantime, I am ever so thankful for this beautiful new friendship! Amen.
Monday, July 18, 2011
‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ (Matthew 25:40)
Today I came across this article: http://www.catholicmatch.com/blog/2011/07/cosmo-called-me-a-most-eligible-bachelor-%E2%80%93-i-disagreed/
(Posted for quick reference)
How beautifully written and how so very true! I read through it and was nodding my head almost the entire time.
Being a woman, I have found modesty to be rather difficult at times. I grew up always dressing conservatively and covered from neck to knee. As I ventured out, I began falling away from the roots that were planted as I grew up. I still watch what I wear, but not nearly as closely as I had once before. My necklines have become lower, and spaghetti strap dresses have become my summer fashion. I will not wear super low cut revealing tops. While I did purchase one this past spring, I wore it 3 times and have felt uncomfortable exposing so much of myself. I have been teased about sticking out more because I cover myself. For awhile I was being what someone else wanted me, or thought I needed to be.
I am finally starting to find what I like and don't like, what I find right from wrong, what pleases God and what doesn't, finally establishing my own set of morals and values!
I want to be so lost in God that a man has to seek God in order to find me. I have been in past relationships where God was so on the back burner it is no wonder why those relationships failed. Those men, if they can be called that, were after one thing only. How stupid I feel that I stayed in those relationships, falling farther and farther away from God. I am learning that that is not how a relationship should be. If a guy cannot take no for an answer, then he is clearly not the man for me. Even girl friends--if they respect me, they will not make fun of my modesty.
Modesty, modesty also goes beyond the way one dresses, as mentioned in the article posted above. I want to set a good example. I want to inspire others. I want others to know that they can be comfortable in themselves without having to conform to what someone else expects of them. That applies to dress, words and actions.
• Modesty in dress. One can still dress up without dressing immodestly. I for one love getting all dressed up and looking pretty. I don't have to show skin to look good. One can wear clothes that fit their body type, and wear colors that look good on them. Or even just wear what they like. There have been many a'moments when I've walked out the door dressed modestly, but certainly making a fashion statement! Those were actually some of my best days seeing that I was comfortable!
• Modesty in words. Modesty in words covers a whole variety of things. From talking nicely to others, about others, in general. Not cussing or swearing. Not taking God's name in vain or blaspheming. Not bragging, not gossiping, not talking badly about others. This includes talking about self as well; namely being humble.
•Modesty in actions. This includes doing things for others with pure intentions. Doing things without being asked.
These lists can go on and on, and are so short in comparison to the actual definitions of modesty.
This is all so short in comparison to what I want to share. Overall, I want to live my life holy and pleasing to God. I want to be modest in dress, words and actions.
(Posted for quick reference)
"From the moment I took my first solo flight at age 9 to South America, my heart was set as a traveler. I was off to see the world!
Eventually I began dreaming the Hollywood dream and around the age of 18 I actually started living it.
After eight years as a professional model and actor my soul was body slammed by God and I was stunned before the Eucharist; I was called by name and transformed!
My life had a new passion – the Passion of Jesus Christ.
Two years before my conversion, Cosmo magazine had selected me as one of America’s 50 Most Eligible Bachelors.
But it wasn’t true. I wasn’t such a catch; I didn’t have God in my life.
A man with God is certainly more of a prime candidate. Being “in the world, not of the world” was as hard for women to understand as it was for me to explain.
As a model I would see things in the auditions, runways and photoshoots that the world calls “sexy and hot.”
But for me, the most attractive thing was modesty!
And no, I don’t mean turtle necks and potato sacks! It’s more than just necklines and dress lengths, but modesty of dress, of conversation, of music and of lifestyle.
One day I heard the phrase “modest is hottest,” and while the word “hottest” shocked me, I couldn’t help but identify. While skimpy outfits turn my head, nothing turns my heart and mind to the person before me like modesty!
‘A gem among virtues’
St. Bernard of Clairvaux exclaims: “How beautiful then, is modesty, and what a gem among virtues it is.”
I echo his words. I see great beauty in women. They are gems.
Blessed John Paul II talked about our bodies revealing God to us. I also learned from him that true love and sexual union are a gift of one person to another which is FTFF (free, total, faithful and fruitful).
We are in the world, and often what I see of others’ bodies is not appropriate for me and everyone to see, but rather for the beautiful intimacy that spouses share. Our bodies are such beautiful mysteries that lose their enticement when so easily visible and accessible to any passerby.
I like how Alice von Hildebrand put it: “To dress modestly is the appropriate response that women should give to their ‘mystery.’“
When I see a woman, I sometimes picture her as my future wife and the mother of my children. I want the woman I spend the rest of my life with to be a model of chastity and purity. The imagination shouldn’t have to be so stretched in order to see that as a possible reality, but in so many cases that’s the way it goes.
Taking action
So what can a man do about it?
Well, after being shunned out of the living rooms and off the party invite lists of disgruntled women who don’t understand my desire for purity, one response I have adopted is to stand up – or rather, to push up – for purity and modesty.
Around the world, using the power of Facebook, I am part of a movement that is exercising as an intercession for ourselves and for others to see the beauty of purity and modesty and, in turn, to practice it.
Why?
Why not?
Fasting on bread and water has been a customary mortification of mine, but when I heard about Push-Ups for Purity, I joined the club immediately. It requires no official ceremony or ritual. Just do the 100 push-ups daily and offer them up that chastity and modesty may become the “norm” in society.
Actually, Push-Ups for Purity was last month, this month I started a continuing event called Sit-Ups for Purity (or Abs 4 Abstinence). I am proud to be one of many men (and women) who is standing up for purity and modesty!
I am proud to do this for the love of purity and modesty, while at the same time getting our heartbeats going and muscles chiseled. It may seem superficial, but it’s a love revolution!
We don’t have to neglect our body or place it on the altar as a new deity. Balancing exercise with prayer is one way to make an offering for our society in desperate need. I need it, our future spouses need it and so do our friends, brothers and sisters.
Pope Pius XII issued a stark call to action, saying: “As long as modesty will not be put into practice, the society will continue to degrade. Society reveals what it is by the clothes it wears.”
Ouch!
Until next time, I’m offering my sit-ups and push-ups for you and me. Honor the mystery. Make a sacrifice, offering and reparation. Modest is hottest!
Will you join me and put it into practice?"
How beautifully written and how so very true! I read through it and was nodding my head almost the entire time.
Being a woman, I have found modesty to be rather difficult at times. I grew up always dressing conservatively and covered from neck to knee. As I ventured out, I began falling away from the roots that were planted as I grew up. I still watch what I wear, but not nearly as closely as I had once before. My necklines have become lower, and spaghetti strap dresses have become my summer fashion. I will not wear super low cut revealing tops. While I did purchase one this past spring, I wore it 3 times and have felt uncomfortable exposing so much of myself. I have been teased about sticking out more because I cover myself. For awhile I was being what someone else wanted me, or thought I needed to be.
I am finally starting to find what I like and don't like, what I find right from wrong, what pleases God and what doesn't, finally establishing my own set of morals and values!
I want to be so lost in God that a man has to seek God in order to find me. I have been in past relationships where God was so on the back burner it is no wonder why those relationships failed. Those men, if they can be called that, were after one thing only. How stupid I feel that I stayed in those relationships, falling farther and farther away from God. I am learning that that is not how a relationship should be. If a guy cannot take no for an answer, then he is clearly not the man for me. Even girl friends--if they respect me, they will not make fun of my modesty.
Modesty, modesty also goes beyond the way one dresses, as mentioned in the article posted above. I want to set a good example. I want to inspire others. I want others to know that they can be comfortable in themselves without having to conform to what someone else expects of them. That applies to dress, words and actions.
• Modesty in dress. One can still dress up without dressing immodestly. I for one love getting all dressed up and looking pretty. I don't have to show skin to look good. One can wear clothes that fit their body type, and wear colors that look good on them. Or even just wear what they like. There have been many a'moments when I've walked out the door dressed modestly, but certainly making a fashion statement! Those were actually some of my best days seeing that I was comfortable!
• Modesty in words. Modesty in words covers a whole variety of things. From talking nicely to others, about others, in general. Not cussing or swearing. Not taking God's name in vain or blaspheming. Not bragging, not gossiping, not talking badly about others. This includes talking about self as well; namely being humble.
•Modesty in actions. This includes doing things for others with pure intentions. Doing things without being asked.
These lists can go on and on, and are so short in comparison to the actual definitions of modesty.
This is all so short in comparison to what I want to share. Overall, I want to live my life holy and pleasing to God. I want to be modest in dress, words and actions.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Seeing God thru the darkness
Tonight I do not have many words for paper. The words of my heart cannot be written down. Many feels cannot be expressed in words, but must be felt with the heart. How true that has been lately. My heart aches to reach out and express itself. This past week has been a huge challenge for me. I have survived, but feel as though many things have not been dealt with. Feelings have been buried, or pushed aside. I have learned that when certain things are not dealt with, they keep surfacing until they are resolved.
Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a particular individual. It became evident that this person has little respect for themself, let alone others. Many of the comments that were made left me feeling put on the spot. Many of my answers were quite blunt, not well thought out, and sounded almost defensive. I beat myeslf up for not asking this person never to contact me again, but then also, I was pleased with myself for sticking up for my beliefs.
For quite awhile now, I had not established my own set of morals and values. I had the ones my mom raised me with, but after some time, I threw everything out the window. Being in this place now has really opened up my eyes to my own individual beliefs. Talking with this person showed me that I am slowly, but surely, laying my own foundation. And this foundation is in Christ.
Due to this lack of morals and values, it certainly began leading me astray. The devil sure provided temporary happiness and joy. Looking back, I can see that. In those moments, I was so blinded, and my conscience was so buried, but all was well--at least that is what I told myself.
How I look back now, how much I thank and praise God that He called me back, and I heard, before I was almost too far gone. How tempting it is to stray off the straight and narrow path.
I have been so incredibly blessed to be meeting such wonderful people. I know I say that all the time, but I can never thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed on me! It is starting to get to that stage of making the friendships last. I get to the point of being afraid of loosing the friendship, that that is eventually what happens. I don't want to pester, but neither do I want to ignore. It is all about finding a balance. The people I have met, and am meeting, are so wonderful and I want lasting friendships with them! What is the balance? Being open and honest with each other is a good first step. I love communication, but it certainly isn't a strong point. I am a firm believer that "if it is meant to happen, it will, and if it is not, then it won't" but then I was informed that even if something is meant to be, it can still be sabotaged. Confusion, confusion, confusion! And that is why I put my sole faith and trust in the Good Lord. He will guide me and help me follow His Will and lead me to His ultimate goal He has planned for my life.
While in these moments of sadness and pain, I have confidence in God. Confidence that He is the supreme being of all, and is watching over me and comforting me--even if I fail to ask Him to. He is my Father. I am ever so thankful and blessed to call myself a Daughter of God.
† God † I put all of my faith and trust in You. I know that You are taking care of me. All thru these trials, I turn to You. I love You.
"How Great Thou Art" Brings tears to my eyes. What an amazing God we have!
Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed;
Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze;
Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Stanza 3:
When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"
Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a particular individual. It became evident that this person has little respect for themself, let alone others. Many of the comments that were made left me feeling put on the spot. Many of my answers were quite blunt, not well thought out, and sounded almost defensive. I beat myeslf up for not asking this person never to contact me again, but then also, I was pleased with myself for sticking up for my beliefs.
For quite awhile now, I had not established my own set of morals and values. I had the ones my mom raised me with, but after some time, I threw everything out the window. Being in this place now has really opened up my eyes to my own individual beliefs. Talking with this person showed me that I am slowly, but surely, laying my own foundation. And this foundation is in Christ.
Due to this lack of morals and values, it certainly began leading me astray. The devil sure provided temporary happiness and joy. Looking back, I can see that. In those moments, I was so blinded, and my conscience was so buried, but all was well--at least that is what I told myself.
How I look back now, how much I thank and praise God that He called me back, and I heard, before I was almost too far gone. How tempting it is to stray off the straight and narrow path.
I have been so incredibly blessed to be meeting such wonderful people. I know I say that all the time, but I can never thank God for all the blessings He has bestowed on me! It is starting to get to that stage of making the friendships last. I get to the point of being afraid of loosing the friendship, that that is eventually what happens. I don't want to pester, but neither do I want to ignore. It is all about finding a balance. The people I have met, and am meeting, are so wonderful and I want lasting friendships with them! What is the balance? Being open and honest with each other is a good first step. I love communication, but it certainly isn't a strong point. I am a firm believer that "if it is meant to happen, it will, and if it is not, then it won't" but then I was informed that even if something is meant to be, it can still be sabotaged. Confusion, confusion, confusion! And that is why I put my sole faith and trust in the Good Lord. He will guide me and help me follow His Will and lead me to His ultimate goal He has planned for my life.
While in these moments of sadness and pain, I have confidence in God. Confidence that He is the supreme being of all, and is watching over me and comforting me--even if I fail to ask Him to. He is my Father. I am ever so thankful and blessed to call myself a Daughter of God.
† God † I put all of my faith and trust in You. I know that You are taking care of me. All thru these trials, I turn to You. I love You.
"How Great Thou Art" Brings tears to my eyes. What an amazing God we have!
Stanza 1:
O Lord my God,
When I in awesome wonder
Consider all
The works Thy Hand hath made,
I see the stars,
I hear the mighty thunder,
Thy pow'r throughout
The universe displayed;
Stanza 2:
When through the woods
And forest glades I wander
I hear the birds
Sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down
From lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook
And feel the gentle breeze;
Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Stanza 3:
When Christ shall come,
With shouts of acclamation,
And take me home,
What joy shall fill my heart!
Then I shall bow
In humble adoration
And there proclaim,
"My God, how great Thou art!"
Refrain:
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Then sings my soul,
My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art!
How great Thou art!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
How great is our God!
To write nonstop would be ideal. With everything rushing through my mind, sharing everything that inspires me, that motivates me, that makes me whom I am would be such a blessing. But that is not ideal. Certainly I cannot write at all times. To do that I would ultimately miss out on the small, yet more important, aspects of life. Also, not everyone thinks and comprehends as I do. Everyone has their own learning style, their own course of action to achieve their desired results. So even if I spent all day, all night writing and writing, it would only reach out and help a small portion of the population. Needless to say, God is ultimately the only One who can reach out and touch everyone at once. We are all so small in that comparison!
One of my many realizations:
After I had finished eating lunch with my cousin, when I went to leave, the main road behind me was closed off. After seeking an alternate route, I ended up at school, my ultimate destination. I quickly learned that the road was being blocked off for Betty Ford's funeral procession. Supposedly, it stated at 1, but by now it was 1:20. Since I had not seen anything on my way to school, I thought maybe it was delayed. I had the notion to watch it go by, but by the time I had learned about it and made the decision to see it, I was already too late. Then I got to thinking ... and then thanking God that He does not work that way! What if God only had certain times He called us to Him? What if we decided that we were going to live our life for God, only to show up and realize that we missed Him by a sheer 5 minutes. No, we are so very blessed that God is here. Here all the time. He is always calling our name. Always waiting for us to find Him, to return to Him, to take comfort and refuge in Him.
God is infinite. He has no clocks, no time lines, no deadlines or anything of the such. He always was, is and will be. We can be sure that when we call on God, we will get Him directly. No worries of answering machines or phone trees. No call waiting, no being put on hold. We call, we get God. Could we possibly ask for anything more??
I was talking with a friend yesterday, and telling her how I have stopped asking God for exact things; I now ask "for what I need." It is amazing how things come into my life that I never would have imagined asking for, yet can hardly imagine living without now that they are there. Have you ever had one (or several) of those moments where you get exactly as you asked for? Only to realize a short time later that you are more miserable then before you received? Amazing how God truly does know best!
One of my many realizations:
After I had finished eating lunch with my cousin, when I went to leave, the main road behind me was closed off. After seeking an alternate route, I ended up at school, my ultimate destination. I quickly learned that the road was being blocked off for Betty Ford's funeral procession. Supposedly, it stated at 1, but by now it was 1:20. Since I had not seen anything on my way to school, I thought maybe it was delayed. I had the notion to watch it go by, but by the time I had learned about it and made the decision to see it, I was already too late. Then I got to thinking ... and then thanking God that He does not work that way! What if God only had certain times He called us to Him? What if we decided that we were going to live our life for God, only to show up and realize that we missed Him by a sheer 5 minutes. No, we are so very blessed that God is here. Here all the time. He is always calling our name. Always waiting for us to find Him, to return to Him, to take comfort and refuge in Him.
God is infinite. He has no clocks, no time lines, no deadlines or anything of the such. He always was, is and will be. We can be sure that when we call on God, we will get Him directly. No worries of answering machines or phone trees. No call waiting, no being put on hold. We call, we get God. Could we possibly ask for anything more??
I was talking with a friend yesterday, and telling her how I have stopped asking God for exact things; I now ask "for what I need." It is amazing how things come into my life that I never would have imagined asking for, yet can hardly imagine living without now that they are there. Have you ever had one (or several) of those moments where you get exactly as you asked for? Only to realize a short time later that you are more miserable then before you received? Amazing how God truly does know best!
Slowing down and seeing the small things
How true is it, that we pass through the day, overlooking small, or in some cases, large things because we don't think that it is our obligation to do them? I know that I do it at times! How blessed, or cursed, we are that despite this obliviousness, the wold still moves on . . .
Lately, this short story that I grew up with has been coming to mind. I remember it was on a little sheet of paper, probably no bigger then 3inch by 4 inch and it was on the bulletin board and had countless thumbtack holes around the border.
"This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done."
Apply this to finding a relationship with God and Jesus ... Imagine God standing there with all of His graces, just waiting to pour them upon those who stop and find Him. The graces are for Anybody and Everybody. Nobody stops to even notice what they are passing up. They believe that Somebody else will get to it when they feel like it.
The world we live in is so fast paced and almost no one stops even for a moment to pause and live in the moment. I have been blessed to recognize that I was living life in the fast lane and letting time slip away faster then I wished. I always thought I had places to be, people to see and was constantly on the go! I would get in my car and speed down the highway or backroads in an attempt to get where I needed to be faster! Oh how many things I missed along the way! Now, I have slowed down incredibly. I have gone back to going 65-70mph on the highway. Tonight, what a beautiful realization when I looked up at the sky on my drive home, and for once in a long time, actually saw, took in, was in complete awe of the magnificent cloudy, yet starlit sky!
I have been meeting wonderful people and getting together with them regularly. To have this blessing of friendship has no words to describe it. There is such a peace in knowing these people. There is no longing to be "the best friend." I am for once comfortable sharing. I love hearing them talk about their other friends, and the good times they have together. I realize that when I am me, I am loved for me. We all have different qualities that we offer each other. I offer something different and unique to our friendship. With all of the people I am meeting, I am clearly liked for being me! Aspiring to by myself has been one of my best realizations and blessings! I want to be accepted for me, just as much as I want to accept my friends just as they are.
Every step I take is illuminated by the light of God with His graces. What more could I possibly need?
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for yet another wonderful day. You have been such a beacon of light shining ever so bright, protecting me from going astray. I follow Your truths, O Lord. I want to live my life right in Your eyes. I want to live a holy and pleasing life according to Your laws. I was lost, but now I am found. When I thought You were the farthest, You stood by my side, picking up my hand and bringing me back to You. You have welcomed me home again. You are a God of mercy, a God of love. You have given me such joy! Joy in the places I've been, joy in the people I have met, joy in the relationships I am not forming! You are my rock! My foundation! Upon You will I build everything! Please continue to enrich my life with all of Your wonders! You ultimately know what is best for me, and even without my asking, You give and give and give! I receive with open arms! I pray for all of my family and my friends, past, present and future. I pray for those less fortunate then me, that they find You, O Lord, and ask for their lives to be enriched to the fullest! For all those people that often get unrightfully overlooked, scorned, judged, rejected, labeled, stereotyped, condemned, hurt, belittled, and the such, please shower them with extra blessings tonight. All this I ask through Jesus Christ, Our Lord. Amen.
Lately, this short story that I grew up with has been coming to mind. I remember it was on a little sheet of paper, probably no bigger then 3inch by 4 inch and it was on the bulletin board and had countless thumbtack holes around the border.
"This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done."
Apply this to finding a relationship with God and Jesus ... Imagine God standing there with all of His graces, just waiting to pour them upon those who stop and find Him. The graces are for Anybody and Everybody. Nobody stops to even notice what they are passing up. They believe that Somebody else will get to it when they feel like it.
The world we live in is so fast paced and almost no one stops even for a moment to pause and live in the moment. I have been blessed to recognize that I was living life in the fast lane and letting time slip away faster then I wished. I always thought I had places to be, people to see and was constantly on the go! I would get in my car and speed down the highway or backroads in an attempt to get where I needed to be faster! Oh how many things I missed along the way! Now, I have slowed down incredibly. I have gone back to going 65-70mph on the highway. Tonight, what a beautiful realization when I looked up at the sky on my drive home, and for once in a long time, actually saw, took in, was in complete awe of the magnificent cloudy, yet starlit sky!
I have been meeting wonderful people and getting together with them regularly. To have this blessing of friendship has no words to describe it. There is such a peace in knowing these people. There is no longing to be "the best friend." I am for once comfortable sharing. I love hearing them talk about their other friends, and the good times they have together. I realize that when I am me, I am loved for me. We all have different qualities that we offer each other. I offer something different and unique to our friendship. With all of the people I am meeting, I am clearly liked for being me! Aspiring to by myself has been one of my best realizations and blessings! I want to be accepted for me, just as much as I want to accept my friends just as they are.
Every step I take is illuminated by the light of God with His graces. What more could I possibly need?
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for yet another wonderful day. You have been such a beacon of light shining ever so bright, protecting me from going astray. I follow Your truths, O Lord. I want to live my life right in Your eyes. I want to live a holy and pleasing life according to Your laws. I was lost, but now I am found. When I thought You were the farthest, You stood by my side, picking up my hand and bringing me back to You. You have welcomed me home again. You are a God of mercy, a God of love. You have given me such joy! Joy in the places I've been, joy in the people I have met, joy in the relationships I am not forming! You are my rock! My foundation! Upon You will I build everything! Please continue to enrich my life with all of Your wonders! You ultimately know what is best for me, and even without my asking, You give and give and give! I receive with open arms! I pray for all of my family and my friends, past, present and future. I pray for those less fortunate then me, that they find You, O Lord, and ask for their lives to be enriched to the fullest! For all those people that often get unrightfully overlooked, scorned, judged, rejected, labeled, stereotyped, condemned, hurt, belittled, and the such, please shower them with extra blessings tonight. All this I ask through Jesus Christ, Our Lord. Amen.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
... and that is why it is called .... "The Present"
I have stopped "telling" God what I need. When I ask God for anything, I always ask Him to bless me with the graces I need to get through the day. No more long lists of what *I think* I need. God ultimately knows what I need to get though each and every moment, and He has blessed me beyond measure with so much more then I ever could have asked for! He is certainly a God of plenty!
I have been experiencing such peace since I accepted God back into my life. For a little while I was expecting it to be such short term, but it is obviously real seeing that it is lasting! How could I deny God? Who am I to even think for a moment that *I* could be blessing myself in such ways? I am certainly not! I have "let go, and let God" take over my life, and it is an amazing feeling!!
Today was picnic day! I only remember ever being on one picnic in the past, and that was just a month ago! So thankful for small blessings! All I had to bring was cheesecake, water, and (makeshift) picnic blankets! Oh how I love sitting on blankets in the grass! And the weather was the most "poifect" picnic weather! Sun was shining, a cool breeze, low humidity! Oh how good is our God! <3
Trying to find the park appeared to be a task in and of itself. My GPS was trying to get me there, but I questioned it all the way ... "Is there seriously a park almost right behind meijer?" Well, sure enough there was. Well, to the east a little and through a cute little neighborhood and such, but there it was! Tucked back in the middle of, so it seemed, no where! So peaceful and quiet and perfect! God certainly had a hand in picking that place for us! So I spread out the blanket and we sat down and talked for a little bit before I was ready to dig into the delicious wraps! After a couple hours, it was time to dig into that cheesecake. Haha, the "fork fight" we had when I tried to eat more then my share (Though I did manage to get a little more of the crust ... hehehe).
Despite having 4 bottles of sunscreen ... do you think I would take the time to slather it on all over me? I had already put enough on my face and neck and shoulders, thinking I would put more on later. Yea right. When you are with that good of company, sitting under the shade of a beautiful tree, the last thing on the mind is "oh, I need more sunscreen." I joked about "getting more color on my legs." Well, color on my legs indeed. The color of a bright red cherry. So now my best friend is aloe vera. haha.
We ended the afternoon with going on the swings!
So many laughs, so many memories made, good conversations, getting to know more about each other, much learning, a growing closer to God; today was certainly a gift! I certainly look forward to more good days ahead! I won't say "like today" because today was special, and not every time is going to be the same. I do look forward to what the future holds and what plans God is currently working on and slowly revealing to me! I am so thankful for today, thankful for the company, the food, the time, everything that made today possible. Amen.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
A Struggle with Honesty
Tonight, Vienna Teng's song The Tower comes to mind (Lyrics posted at the bottom). While what I write does not directly tie into the song, those who know me the most can see where I am coming from. <3
When is honesty too much? When does one know to trust? Who does one trust to be brutally honest with? Lately I feel as though I am living with four walls up and surrounding me; not daring to say what has been going on, not daring to be honest -- with others. Does that mean I am lying to myself too? It seems hard to trust people because they are so set in their ways that when *I* am going through change, they aim to steer me down their way, their path, down what has supposedly been working for them. They compare me to other people, they judge other people, saying they are "wrong." They say that "others are guiding my journey." No, ultimately I am following my heart, following where God is guiding me, where I feel He is guiding my heart! I am in an exploratory stage and the harder one pushes me to follow their journey, the harder I push back. Not that I mean to, not that I want to. I sometimes wish that I was in set in my ways as others, but I also know that I will get there one day.
For me to say that God is a part of my life now, is an incredible thing! Many people don't know my past, and now that I have found God again, and have been searching to develop my own relationship with Him, I have faced criticism from several people saying that I am wrong. I am not asking people to understand. I really don't even know if I am looking for acceptance, per say. I am not aiming to be "right" in the eyes of the world. I just want to be right with God!
It seems that no matter where I turn, someone is always judging me, telling me what I *need to* or *should* do. Just because something works for someone, does not mean that it is going to work for me. There is a huge percentage that what works for one is not going to work for me. One cannot force me to do something. Yea, one can push and push and push and I might get it intellectually, but it ultimately comes down to my heart -- when my heart is ready to hear and accept it.
After the journey I have been on the past year, I am ever so thankful for me to say that God is steering my life. I turn to Him in all things. That is not to say that I always do as He wants, but I do strive to follow His Will! I am human, after all -- certainly no excuse to be presumptuous though!
Now I feel as though I am rambling . . .
There has been so much joy in my life! So much to the point I would be foolish to to deny God's existence! Then the devil comes in and tries to steal that joy and causes much questioning and struggle!
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!" has been ever present on my lips! For the name of the Lord makes the devil flee. <3 How awesome is that!?!
The walls need to come down. Yet there is much fear of rejection and criticism. Despite one trying to verbally persuade me, I know myself enough to know that that does not work. And why does there need to be persuasion? I know that God is in my life! No one and nothing brings as much joy, peace and happiness that I have been experiencing but the Lord!
As always, I continue to pray. I am in the midst of a 54 day rosary novena, and I almost always have my Bible by my side!
Another day has come and gone, and today I thank God for such wonderful blessings! Through Him all things are possible. Because of Him I have been so abundantly blessed! He has been so good to me, even on my darkest of days! It is because of these amazing moments that keep me going forward! Amen!
*And on a side note, my first day volunteering in the Nursery went absolutely amazing!! The teacher said that I am a natural! I have always had a genuine love for children, and today that was clearly evident! There were only 4 children, but they are so beautiful! Such sweethearts! I am looking forward to doing it again!
The Tower -- Vienna Teng
the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies
she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done
reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one
reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one
When is honesty too much? When does one know to trust? Who does one trust to be brutally honest with? Lately I feel as though I am living with four walls up and surrounding me; not daring to say what has been going on, not daring to be honest -- with others. Does that mean I am lying to myself too? It seems hard to trust people because they are so set in their ways that when *I* am going through change, they aim to steer me down their way, their path, down what has supposedly been working for them. They compare me to other people, they judge other people, saying they are "wrong." They say that "others are guiding my journey." No, ultimately I am following my heart, following where God is guiding me, where I feel He is guiding my heart! I am in an exploratory stage and the harder one pushes me to follow their journey, the harder I push back. Not that I mean to, not that I want to. I sometimes wish that I was in set in my ways as others, but I also know that I will get there one day.
For me to say that God is a part of my life now, is an incredible thing! Many people don't know my past, and now that I have found God again, and have been searching to develop my own relationship with Him, I have faced criticism from several people saying that I am wrong. I am not asking people to understand. I really don't even know if I am looking for acceptance, per say. I am not aiming to be "right" in the eyes of the world. I just want to be right with God!
It seems that no matter where I turn, someone is always judging me, telling me what I *need to* or *should* do. Just because something works for someone, does not mean that it is going to work for me. There is a huge percentage that what works for one is not going to work for me. One cannot force me to do something. Yea, one can push and push and push and I might get it intellectually, but it ultimately comes down to my heart -- when my heart is ready to hear and accept it.
After the journey I have been on the past year, I am ever so thankful for me to say that God is steering my life. I turn to Him in all things. That is not to say that I always do as He wants, but I do strive to follow His Will! I am human, after all -- certainly no excuse to be presumptuous though!
Now I feel as though I am rambling . . .
There has been so much joy in my life! So much to the point I would be foolish to to deny God's existence! Then the devil comes in and tries to steal that joy and causes much questioning and struggle!
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!" has been ever present on my lips! For the name of the Lord makes the devil flee. <3 How awesome is that!?!
The walls need to come down. Yet there is much fear of rejection and criticism. Despite one trying to verbally persuade me, I know myself enough to know that that does not work. And why does there need to be persuasion? I know that God is in my life! No one and nothing brings as much joy, peace and happiness that I have been experiencing but the Lord!
As always, I continue to pray. I am in the midst of a 54 day rosary novena, and I almost always have my Bible by my side!
Another day has come and gone, and today I thank God for such wonderful blessings! Through Him all things are possible. Because of Him I have been so abundantly blessed! He has been so good to me, even on my darkest of days! It is because of these amazing moments that keep me going forward! Amen!
*And on a side note, my first day volunteering in the Nursery went absolutely amazing!! The teacher said that I am a natural! I have always had a genuine love for children, and today that was clearly evident! There were only 4 children, but they are so beautiful! Such sweethearts! I am looking forward to doing it again!
The Tower -- Vienna Teng
the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies
she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow
she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done
reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one
reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Another day ...
Another day is coming to a close.
How absolutely blessed I am! Today I went to Division Street Fellowship and helped hand out food and clothing to the homeless. What a blessing that was! Such an amazing feeling of being a blessing to others, without expecting anything in return! Despite the day being over 87 degrees and somewhat of an air conditioned building, several fans running, no one there that I really knew, I am so thankful for that opportunity! It is certainly something that I see myself doing more in the future, God Willing. Seeing the smiles on some of the peoples faces what priceless. There were very few people who verbally expressed their appreciation. Even if the people were ungrateful and no one thanked us, I still would have walked out of there with a smile on my face knowing that my day was pleasing to God, and that I reached out and made a difference in someone's life.
One of the other volunteers shared a part of his life story with me, as well. He has such an amazing faith in God! Despite what he went through many years ago, he is an incredible man of God! I am excited to see how God works in my life, so in years from now I can look back upon it and share it with others and maybe, hopefully inspire them! Even now, I have many stories to share that have made me whom I am today!
The past day or two have had their fair share of struggles. First and foremost, I am ever so thankful that God Himself is in my life. Every day I am reminded of His presence, and realize just how blessed I am. Secondly, I am ever so thankful that God has put such amazing people in my life to guide, encourage, and inspire me. Even those that challenge me and question me. Life is a learning experience, and God is ever by my side.
Please pray for me as I begin my journey tomorrow morning volunteering with the 2 year olds in the Nursery!
How absolutely blessed I am! Today I went to Division Street Fellowship and helped hand out food and clothing to the homeless. What a blessing that was! Such an amazing feeling of being a blessing to others, without expecting anything in return! Despite the day being over 87 degrees and somewhat of an air conditioned building, several fans running, no one there that I really knew, I am so thankful for that opportunity! It is certainly something that I see myself doing more in the future, God Willing. Seeing the smiles on some of the peoples faces what priceless. There were very few people who verbally expressed their appreciation. Even if the people were ungrateful and no one thanked us, I still would have walked out of there with a smile on my face knowing that my day was pleasing to God, and that I reached out and made a difference in someone's life.
One of the other volunteers shared a part of his life story with me, as well. He has such an amazing faith in God! Despite what he went through many years ago, he is an incredible man of God! I am excited to see how God works in my life, so in years from now I can look back upon it and share it with others and maybe, hopefully inspire them! Even now, I have many stories to share that have made me whom I am today!
The past day or two have had their fair share of struggles. First and foremost, I am ever so thankful that God Himself is in my life. Every day I am reminded of His presence, and realize just how blessed I am. Secondly, I am ever so thankful that God has put such amazing people in my life to guide, encourage, and inspire me. Even those that challenge me and question me. Life is a learning experience, and God is ever by my side.
Please pray for me as I begin my journey tomorrow morning volunteering with the 2 year olds in the Nursery!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Those moments of complete "wowness!"
The past week has been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Those small things in life that are often overlooked, even by my own self, are truly being appreciated, even if it takes days to recognize it.
From the 3rd shift nursing assistant staying an extra 30 minutes talking to me, to going to the lake and having a lovely conversation with a 7 year old, to friends making dinner, to a friend of a friend giving up her bed to sleep in the tent thus allowing me to spend the night, to going back up north to spend the afternoon and evening with my sisters, to going shopping with my older sister, to going to a fourth of July party and meeting new people (even when the night is spent mostly talking to one person), to sleeping in Tuesday morning, to seeing I got a great grade on my math test, to going out Tuesday night with a friend, to being invited to hand out food and clothing to the homeless this weekend, to making dinner for another friend and spending the e n t i r e evening talking! Oh, my life is so abundantly blessed!!
I don't really even know where to go from here! My week has been hectic, but as I look back on it, God certainly had a huge hand in the way it panned out! I work with such wonderful people. Granted, I only get to see them at change of shift, the Friday night aide and I get along so well. Typically she comes in after me, and I stick around talking with her. Even when the roles we reversed, and I came in at 7, she stayed until nearly 7:30. We were just talking and talking. She, too, has inspired me to stay on my journey in search of developing my relationship with God.
It had been in the works to head to the beach after I got out at 3 on Saturday. Despite the getting less then 5 hours of sleep in between working 16 hours, I went to Holland and had a great time with my friends, and friends of friends and the children! I was planning on coming home late Saturday night, until it was decided that I could have one of the beds in the house. Wow. One of those little (or big) blessings! So I ended up staying the night and heading out mid Sunday morning.
Later Sunday afternoon, I went to meet my sisters to go to the small town carnival. We had such a blast! We kept rotating who we would ride with, and it worked out beautifully. We took a small dinner break, then went back to ride the rides at night! Oh how fun! Didn't get home until close to midnight! Then work Monday morning! On Sunday my sister and I decided that she we would go shopping together on Monday, so I could get something red to finish my red, white and blue outfit. It has been awhile since my sister and I have done anything together, but I appreciate every moment we have together. With both of us and our busy lives, it is great when we can coordinate time together!
So after shopping, I came home and fell asleep for two hours. Obviously sleep deprived! Woke up an got ready to head to the 4th of July party! It was great. Saw familiar faces as well as a few new ones. Sat out back chilling, snapping picture of everything and everyone. Then we headed downtown! What a blast! There was a large group of us, yet we managed to get all split up. Good times. Stood at rosa parks circle for a bit, even learning how to swing dance a little. Such fun! Then it was time to get a spot to watch the fireworks. What a complete zoo! People everywhere, no place to walk, sit, stand, move! But we got a decent place on pearl street bridge. Though I was quite certain I would be falling over, I manged to stay standing up. The fireworks display was brilliant! Some of my pictures actually turned out quite decently! Then we headed back. I waited 45 minutes before heading back home, and even then the traffic was quite hectic! Took backroads over half way home to avoid the craziness! But made it home in one piece. Then slept until nearly 11 the next morning! Had the sun not gotten me up at 6a, it would have been a decent 11 hours of sleep, that was desperately needed! But alas, I try again tonight.
Tuesday night ... oh what to say about Tuesday night. I was something else, that is for sure! I understood the math lesson, best I could, yet the prof. kept going over and over and over it. I was okay with that, had I only been able to practice the problems and then have him explain again. The quiz seemed to go well, so at least it appears I understand the material as much as I think I do. The final is going to be fun. I should probably start studying now! Afterwards, got together with another friend and we enjoyed our evening!
I was going to meet a friend downtown this afternoon after I got off work. God certainly had a hand in the planning of this, and that is certainly n o t what He had in mind for us! She ended up coming to my house and I made us dinner. We held down the front porch for awhile just talking and talking and talking. This is the first girl close to my own age that I have sat down with and connected with this well. Such an amazing person. Helped put things into perspective, using analogies that my mind could grasp. Things that I've been struggling with were suddenly made clearer. The things that I've been fighting were realized to be wonderful blessings that need no fighting. God is here with me, pouring His unconditional love upon me. I am His daughter, and He is forever watching me and guiding me. I realize I am not perfect. I realize that God is there lighting my way. For that I am truly grateful.
I am ever so thankful to have been introduced to wonderful, Godly people. You all have been an inspiration in the just the short time I've known you. You have welcomed me with open arms, inspiring me to be myself and seek my own relationship with God. Only God knows where my journey will take me, but as for now, I am content with where I am. Today was the first time I have actually gotten down on my knees and thanked God for being in my life, for being there despite me putting Him second for the time I did. The past 3 weeks have been such an eye-opener, and I pray that I continue to grow in God's grace. Before, while I noticed the "little things," now I actually appreciate them more and thank God for them; for they all serve a purpose! Words cannot fully express my feelings! They can pretty much be summed up with the statement: God Bless All of You!
From the 3rd shift nursing assistant staying an extra 30 minutes talking to me, to going to the lake and having a lovely conversation with a 7 year old, to friends making dinner, to a friend of a friend giving up her bed to sleep in the tent thus allowing me to spend the night, to going back up north to spend the afternoon and evening with my sisters, to going shopping with my older sister, to going to a fourth of July party and meeting new people (even when the night is spent mostly talking to one person), to sleeping in Tuesday morning, to seeing I got a great grade on my math test, to going out Tuesday night with a friend, to being invited to hand out food and clothing to the homeless this weekend, to making dinner for another friend and spending the e n t i r e evening talking! Oh, my life is so abundantly blessed!!
I don't really even know where to go from here! My week has been hectic, but as I look back on it, God certainly had a huge hand in the way it panned out! I work with such wonderful people. Granted, I only get to see them at change of shift, the Friday night aide and I get along so well. Typically she comes in after me, and I stick around talking with her. Even when the roles we reversed, and I came in at 7, she stayed until nearly 7:30. We were just talking and talking. She, too, has inspired me to stay on my journey in search of developing my relationship with God.
It had been in the works to head to the beach after I got out at 3 on Saturday. Despite the getting less then 5 hours of sleep in between working 16 hours, I went to Holland and had a great time with my friends, and friends of friends and the children! I was planning on coming home late Saturday night, until it was decided that I could have one of the beds in the house. Wow. One of those little (or big) blessings! So I ended up staying the night and heading out mid Sunday morning.
Later Sunday afternoon, I went to meet my sisters to go to the small town carnival. We had such a blast! We kept rotating who we would ride with, and it worked out beautifully. We took a small dinner break, then went back to ride the rides at night! Oh how fun! Didn't get home until close to midnight! Then work Monday morning! On Sunday my sister and I decided that she we would go shopping together on Monday, so I could get something red to finish my red, white and blue outfit. It has been awhile since my sister and I have done anything together, but I appreciate every moment we have together. With both of us and our busy lives, it is great when we can coordinate time together!
So after shopping, I came home and fell asleep for two hours. Obviously sleep deprived! Woke up an got ready to head to the 4th of July party! It was great. Saw familiar faces as well as a few new ones. Sat out back chilling, snapping picture of everything and everyone. Then we headed downtown! What a blast! There was a large group of us, yet we managed to get all split up. Good times. Stood at rosa parks circle for a bit, even learning how to swing dance a little. Such fun! Then it was time to get a spot to watch the fireworks. What a complete zoo! People everywhere, no place to walk, sit, stand, move! But we got a decent place on pearl street bridge. Though I was quite certain I would be falling over, I manged to stay standing up. The fireworks display was brilliant! Some of my pictures actually turned out quite decently! Then we headed back. I waited 45 minutes before heading back home, and even then the traffic was quite hectic! Took backroads over half way home to avoid the craziness! But made it home in one piece. Then slept until nearly 11 the next morning! Had the sun not gotten me up at 6a, it would have been a decent 11 hours of sleep, that was desperately needed! But alas, I try again tonight.
Tuesday night ... oh what to say about Tuesday night. I was something else, that is for sure! I understood the math lesson, best I could, yet the prof. kept going over and over and over it. I was okay with that, had I only been able to practice the problems and then have him explain again. The quiz seemed to go well, so at least it appears I understand the material as much as I think I do. The final is going to be fun. I should probably start studying now! Afterwards, got together with another friend and we enjoyed our evening!
I was going to meet a friend downtown this afternoon after I got off work. God certainly had a hand in the planning of this, and that is certainly n o t what He had in mind for us! She ended up coming to my house and I made us dinner. We held down the front porch for awhile just talking and talking and talking. This is the first girl close to my own age that I have sat down with and connected with this well. Such an amazing person. Helped put things into perspective, using analogies that my mind could grasp. Things that I've been struggling with were suddenly made clearer. The things that I've been fighting were realized to be wonderful blessings that need no fighting. God is here with me, pouring His unconditional love upon me. I am His daughter, and He is forever watching me and guiding me. I realize I am not perfect. I realize that God is there lighting my way. For that I am truly grateful.
I am ever so thankful to have been introduced to wonderful, Godly people. You all have been an inspiration in the just the short time I've known you. You have welcomed me with open arms, inspiring me to be myself and seek my own relationship with God. Only God knows where my journey will take me, but as for now, I am content with where I am. Today was the first time I have actually gotten down on my knees and thanked God for being in my life, for being there despite me putting Him second for the time I did. The past 3 weeks have been such an eye-opener, and I pray that I continue to grow in God's grace. Before, while I noticed the "little things," now I actually appreciate them more and thank God for them; for they all serve a purpose! Words cannot fully express my feelings! They can pretty much be summed up with the statement: God Bless All of You!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Blessed to be Blessed
Despite the feelings that sometimes God is so far away from me, there are so many signs that He is ever present, always by my side. There appear to be opposite extremes. One moment, I would proclaim from the mountaintops that God is here, then in the next minute, I myself question where He went, and was He ever there? The Bible says that Jesus is with us when we feel as though he is the farthest away. I have to have that faith and trust. My head gets it and understands it. My head gets many things. It is the heart that struggles so much.
It is in those moments of doubt, when God shows Himself to me so wonderfully. It is without any doubt that I can honestly, wholeheartedly say that God is here, always by my side. Just these short moments are so wonderful, so joyous! But when they are over, the feeling goes with it. I want that joyous, light hearted, knowing feeling of God in my life. I need to keep pursuing God.
I have been so incredibly blessed to be welcomed into a community that accepts me for me and encourages me to strive to have a relationship with God and Jesus. Last night, I had the privilege of sitting down with a special lady and was allowed to just talk and talk and talk. She sat there, actually listening, and despite my constant interruptions, she continued to listen to and talk with me. At the end, she prayed. I’ve never had anyone pray for me like that. It is always a “I will pray for you” *walks away* After that, I went down to the bonfire. Who would have thought that something as simple as roasting a marshmallow would mean so much to someone? At the bonfire, another wonderful person I met offered to roast my marshmallow for me. I gratefully accepted her offer, and although I showed up to the bonfire well after I was anticipating, she still had my marshmallow for me. My night finally ended with being asked if I would like to attend a 4th of July party. Although I have only been a part of this community for 3 weeks, I have been welcomed more then I ever could have imagined! God is guiding me down this path. I have no idea where it is leading, but it is all good. God is waiting for me. My heart is open to whatever course He has laid out for me.
Thank you all who have been encouraging me and have been there welcoming me and supporting me on this journey I am on. You all know who you are. God Bless You All!
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