A Struggle with Honesty

Tonight, Vienna Teng's song The Tower comes to mind (Lyrics posted at the bottom). While what I write does not directly tie into the song, those who know me the most can see where I am coming from. <3


When is honesty too much? When does one know to trust? Who does one trust to be brutally honest with? Lately I feel as though I am living with four walls up and surrounding me; not daring to say what has been going on, not daring to be honest -- with others. Does that mean I am lying to myself too? It seems hard to trust people because they are so set in their ways that when *I* am going through change, they aim to steer me down their way, their path, down what has supposedly been working for them. They compare me to other people, they judge other people, saying they are "wrong." They say that "others are guiding my journey." No, ultimately I am following my heart, following where God is guiding me, where I feel He is guiding my heart! I am in an exploratory stage and the harder one pushes me to follow their journey, the harder I push back. Not that I mean to, not that I want to. I sometimes wish that I was in set in my ways as others, but I also know that I will get there one day.

For me to say that God is a part of my life now, is an incredible thing! Many people don't know my past, and now that I have found God again, and have been searching to develop my own relationship with Him, I have faced criticism from several people saying that I am wrong. I am not asking people to understand. I really don't even know if I am looking for acceptance, per say. I am not aiming to be "right" in the eyes of the world. I just want to be right with God!

It seems that no matter where I turn, someone is always judging me, telling me what I *need to* or *should* do. Just because something works for someone, does not mean that it is going to work for me. There is a huge percentage that what works for one is not going to work for me. One cannot force me to do something. Yea, one can push and push and push and I might get it intellectually, but it ultimately comes down to my heart -- when my heart is ready to hear and accept it.

After the journey I have been on the past year, I am ever so thankful for me to say that God is steering my life. I turn to Him in all things. That is not to say that I always do as He wants, but I do strive to follow His Will! I am human, after all -- certainly no excuse to be presumptuous though!

Now I feel as though I am rambling . . .


There has been so much joy in my life! So much to the point I would be foolish to to deny God's existence! Then the devil comes in and tries to steal that joy and causes much questioning and struggle!

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!" has been ever present on my lips! For the name of the Lord makes the devil flee. <3 How awesome is that!?!

The walls need to come down. Yet there is much fear of rejection and criticism. Despite one trying to verbally persuade me, I know myself enough to know that that does not work. And why does there need to be persuasion? I know that God is in my life! No one and nothing brings as much joy, peace and happiness that I have been experiencing but the Lord!

As always, I continue to pray. I am in the midst of a 54 day rosary novena, and I almost always have my Bible by my side!

Another day has come and gone, and today I thank God for such wonderful blessings! Through Him all things are possible. Because of Him I have been so abundantly blessed! He has been so good to me, even on my darkest of days! It is because of these amazing moments that keep me going forward! Amen!


*And on a side note, my first day volunteering in the Nursery went absolutely amazing!! The teacher said that I am a natural! I have always had a genuine love for children, and today that was clearly evident! There were only 4 children, but they are so beautiful! Such sweethearts! I am looking forward to doing it again!





The Tower -- Vienna Teng

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one