A world so consumed by technology. I don't like it at all. The saddest part? I used to be there.
I ride the bus for about 5 minutes 4 times a week. I sit there in the midst of fellow students on their phones and with ear buds in their ears listening to music. There is some talking, but I've been on a bus with 25 other people and there was literally no talking.
But what to do ... I now sit there staring out the window because I am surrounded by people listening to music and eyes glued to their phones ...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Chaos ... followed by peace
So seriously ... what exactly are the benefits of going to college?
I will have a degree in something that I may or may not use. Sometimes that I either am or am not passionate about.
This feeling of being back at square one scares the heck out of me.
I just want to go where God is calling me. Right now I cannot even tell if that includes college or not.
Yes, getting a degree with *hopefully* help me get a decent paying job so I can live comfortably, put food on the table, clothes on my back, and gas in the car. Maybe if there is some left over I can give it to the church or help others in need... right?
Ha! No, giving to the church/charities/those in need comes first. Even as a college student with the student loans continuing to pile up, giving to God has to be first and foremost.
So will going to college help me to be able to give more? Well, society teaches that going to college helps us make more.
Really though ... I am very unsettled at this point as to what path to take for college. Or actually what path to take in life in general!
I've been looking into 4 year colleges. Those institutes where I am aiming to go after achieving an Associates from the Community College. First these places are so pricey. Second they are so big. I would prefer a smaller college, but not sure something like that will happen considering I have no idea where to turn. I have an itch to move somewhere where I can live on campus. But not sure that is what God has in the works for me.
I almost seem to want to know my 5 year life plan. right now. My head gets this. My head knows that God knows and will reveal to me slowly but surely what HE wants me to do.
Had I known what I know about my life now even a year ago, I would have either a) rolled my eyes and said "yeah right" or b) I would have freaked out at everything that I've now come through. Or who knows what else.
Oh the discernment! I want to place everything in God's able hands. I want to surrender it all to Him! I don't want to worry, or stress, or complain, or even think about my future! "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"
(Matthew 6:34). Yes, like I should be studying for my photography exam that is tomorrow (by the way ... why on earth do we have e x a m s in photography of all classes .... lol).
One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Not to sound morbid or depressed or anything ... but really, why worry about 4 years from now, when I may not even make it to tomorrow? Though at times it does sound more refreshing to be up in heaven with my heavenly father then feeling as though I am just floating about here on earth trying to grab onto truth and build on it.
Just when I feel as though I've got a solid foundation, something else surfaces and my foundation appears to crumble beneath my feet.
Where to go? Where to turn? I have my rock "God is Love!" but beyond that, everything else that has been built upon that has crumbled, washed away, withered, gone away. Or so it feels right now.
Back to aimless wandering. I do keep praying to be uncomfortable. And at this point, uncomfortable I am. I also pray for peace. I want to do what the Lord wills for my life. Why is there such uneasiness within?
I almost feel complete peace when I tell myself that I am not going to college ever again. But where is this coming from?
I would say that I cannot always live with my dad and such, but really ... why couldn't I? The intention is that, God Willing, I will own the house in the future and that is where I will stay.
But where is God calling me?
Dad and I have often had deep conversations about hearing God's voice -- hearing the call of God. Without a shadow of a doubt God is speaking to me, guiding me through this situation. Though at this point in time... I really wish He would speak a little louder. Oh ... maybe I need to be quieter? Patience. I cannot expect all the answers today. I suppose I should just let the sequence of events of today sink in.
God knows. God is holding me, guiding me, protecting me. He give me what I need for the day. He will guide me what I am to do next.
Dad told me this:
A man is stranded in the river. He prays to God to help him; to rescue him.
A log floats by. The man just lets it go by.
The man continues to pray to God to save him.
A boat goes by and the men in the boat toss out a rope and tell the stranded man to grab on.
"No, no," the man replies. "This is a test of my faith! I keep praying and God will save me!"
The boat goes off and later a helicopter comes and lowers down a man who will rescue the stranded man.
"No, no," the stranded man replied yet again. "God will save me!"
The helicopter reluctantly flies away.
Then man drowns.
When He sees God, the man says to God, "I had faith that you would save me! Why didn't you?"
God replies, "I sent a log, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?!?"
How often have I missed God saving me? I know God hears my prayers and answers them according to His Will. Even if that is in the form of a log, a boat or a helicopter. I don't want some superficial "faith" that the man in this story had.
So, when it comes to school, I know that God will guide me and help me all along the way.
And peace. Peace comes with getting these words out.
Alas! There are also words which must remain untold as they are mere visions floating around in my mind...
† God Bless Y'all!
I will have a degree in something that I may or may not use. Sometimes that I either am or am not passionate about.
This feeling of being back at square one scares the heck out of me.
I just want to go where God is calling me. Right now I cannot even tell if that includes college or not.
Yes, getting a degree with *hopefully* help me get a decent paying job so I can live comfortably, put food on the table, clothes on my back, and gas in the car. Maybe if there is some left over I can give it to the church or help others in need... right?
Ha! No, giving to the church/charities/those in need comes first. Even as a college student with the student loans continuing to pile up, giving to God has to be first and foremost.
So will going to college help me to be able to give more? Well, society teaches that going to college helps us make more.
Really though ... I am very unsettled at this point as to what path to take for college. Or actually what path to take in life in general!
I've been looking into 4 year colleges. Those institutes where I am aiming to go after achieving an Associates from the Community College. First these places are so pricey. Second they are so big. I would prefer a smaller college, but not sure something like that will happen considering I have no idea where to turn. I have an itch to move somewhere where I can live on campus. But not sure that is what God has in the works for me.
I almost seem to want to know my 5 year life plan. right now. My head gets this. My head knows that God knows and will reveal to me slowly but surely what HE wants me to do.
Had I known what I know about my life now even a year ago, I would have either a) rolled my eyes and said "yeah right" or b) I would have freaked out at everything that I've now come through. Or who knows what else.
Oh the discernment! I want to place everything in God's able hands. I want to surrender it all to Him! I don't want to worry, or stress, or complain, or even think about my future! "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today"
(Matthew 6:34). Yes, like I should be studying for my photography exam that is tomorrow (by the way ... why on earth do we have e x a m s in photography of all classes .... lol).
One day at a time. One moment at a time. One breath at a time. Not to sound morbid or depressed or anything ... but really, why worry about 4 years from now, when I may not even make it to tomorrow? Though at times it does sound more refreshing to be up in heaven with my heavenly father then feeling as though I am just floating about here on earth trying to grab onto truth and build on it.
Just when I feel as though I've got a solid foundation, something else surfaces and my foundation appears to crumble beneath my feet.
Where to go? Where to turn? I have my rock "God is Love!" but beyond that, everything else that has been built upon that has crumbled, washed away, withered, gone away. Or so it feels right now.
Back to aimless wandering. I do keep praying to be uncomfortable. And at this point, uncomfortable I am. I also pray for peace. I want to do what the Lord wills for my life. Why is there such uneasiness within?
I almost feel complete peace when I tell myself that I am not going to college ever again. But where is this coming from?
I would say that I cannot always live with my dad and such, but really ... why couldn't I? The intention is that, God Willing, I will own the house in the future and that is where I will stay.
But where is God calling me?
Dad and I have often had deep conversations about hearing God's voice -- hearing the call of God. Without a shadow of a doubt God is speaking to me, guiding me through this situation. Though at this point in time... I really wish He would speak a little louder. Oh ... maybe I need to be quieter? Patience. I cannot expect all the answers today. I suppose I should just let the sequence of events of today sink in.
God knows. God is holding me, guiding me, protecting me. He give me what I need for the day. He will guide me what I am to do next.
Dad told me this:
A man is stranded in the river. He prays to God to help him; to rescue him.
A log floats by. The man just lets it go by.
The man continues to pray to God to save him.
A boat goes by and the men in the boat toss out a rope and tell the stranded man to grab on.
"No, no," the man replies. "This is a test of my faith! I keep praying and God will save me!"
The boat goes off and later a helicopter comes and lowers down a man who will rescue the stranded man.
"No, no," the stranded man replied yet again. "God will save me!"
The helicopter reluctantly flies away.
Then man drowns.
When He sees God, the man says to God, "I had faith that you would save me! Why didn't you?"
God replies, "I sent a log, a boat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?!?"
How often have I missed God saving me? I know God hears my prayers and answers them according to His Will. Even if that is in the form of a log, a boat or a helicopter. I don't want some superficial "faith" that the man in this story had.
So, when it comes to school, I know that God will guide me and help me all along the way.
And peace. Peace comes with getting these words out.
Alas! There are also words which must remain untold as they are mere visions floating around in my mind...
† God Bless Y'all!
And 4 semesters later...
I am currently attending college with the mindset of "obtaining an Associates in Art degree." Well, up until this point, I was.
What is the point of spending money on something that I am not passionate about? I am not sure. I wanted an associates just for the sake of saying that I had an associates and so I would feel accomplished. Now, if I want to get my associates in Art, then change my major, what will that do for what I want to do next? My heart keeps telling me "Oh, I cannot wait to change majors!" When anyone asks about my current education, this is a typical conversation:
"What are you going to school for?"
"I should have an Associates in Art in two semesters!"
"What do you plan on doing after that?"
"Change my major out of art!"
"Change it to what?"
"..............."
Well, maybe possibly that "..........." has been replaced with "accounting." Maybe.
I want to go where God wants me to go. I want to listen to what my heart is telling me. I want to do something that helps people. Can I help someone working in accounting? I sure hope so. So, looking up the degree on the school's website, I found the list of requirements needed to "receive an Accounting Associate Business degree." And wow. Pretty much back to square one. I currently have a whopping 4 (yes, that is right, 4) credits done that can be put towards an Accounting Associate Business degree. My wellness class (yoga) and praise the Dear Lord, my Survey of American Government is out of the way! And maybe, possibly, potentially, some of my other classes will count as electives. But I don't want to hold my breath on that one. The only ones that have a shot, I believe, are my 3 math courses from last year.
Accounting is not really something that just magically showed up on my doorstep (unlike Art/Graphic Design); it ha kind of always been on the forefront of my mind -- just the farthest part back of the forefront. I have always loved numbers and have been good with them. Someone, somewhere along the way suggested accounting. At that point in my life, I was convinced that I was going to be a Registered Nurse working in post-pardum. Yea... there is currently no passion for going to school to be an RN anymore.
So, here I sit, sophomore year of college. 2/3 the way to obtaining my AA (Associates in Art). Just about ready to change my major to something completely unrelated! Is this what I am suppose to do? I haven't had any counseling (but I will. But tomorrow is the first day of registration and I need to register for my fall classes before I have the chance to meet with an adviser. But I will call soon and try to set something up). I have 4 classes adding up to 14 credits ready to enroll in come 8am Tuesday Morning. Am I ready for this?
I had my mind all set to take a ton of classes this summer and fall to have my AA after Fall semester. God has placed it upon my heart to stop and really re-evaluate where He wants me. And while I really still don't know where He wants me 100%, I am ready to take this leap of faith.
One fear is that I will get 2/3 the way done with Accounting, and then want to change my major all over again. Seriously? Sounds like something I need to take up to my Heavenly Father. This is why I like short [degrees]. (Hence like my CNA license. It was $800 and 6 weeks. I didn't really have a chance to think about what I was doing long-term or get bored with it or feel as though a ton of money was being wasted. Or maybe it was all just a part of God's master plan? I will go with the latter). At least staying at the Community College is cheaper then almost anywhere else (staying home and working full time would be the cheapest at this point!).
I have learned much in the past 4 semesters though. I have learned, on some level anywhoo, what it takes to achieve good grades. I have grown as a person in so many ways. I am learning what I like and don't like, my passions. And while I will always enjoy art, I don't see myself having a career in it. Unless God wants me to. I now look at things differently. Granted, when I go to design my kitchen, we shall all see how many of these design elements I take with me.
This semester, I am enrolled in a photography class. I have always been passionate about photography. While I may or may not go beyond an amateur, I have learned much in this class and will take so much with me. Even in the past 10 weeks, my images have improved (I will have an "end of the semester in photos" blog post in about 4 or 5 weeks [if I can figure out how to upload pictures to my blog] to display my growth).
Best decision yet has been to drop my summer classes and stop working so hard to achieve ranks in this society. What is the point of pressing forward if I am unsure of where God is calling me? I have almost 5 whole months to pray and discern what God is calling me to do before Fall semester starts up in August. Until then, I will be registered for Business classes pertaining "to receive an Accounting Associate Business degree."
Oh happy day!
What is the point of spending money on something that I am not passionate about? I am not sure. I wanted an associates just for the sake of saying that I had an associates and so I would feel accomplished. Now, if I want to get my associates in Art, then change my major, what will that do for what I want to do next? My heart keeps telling me "Oh, I cannot wait to change majors!" When anyone asks about my current education, this is a typical conversation:
"What are you going to school for?"
"I should have an Associates in Art in two semesters!"
"What do you plan on doing after that?"
"Change my major out of art!"
"Change it to what?"
"..............."
Well, maybe possibly that "..........." has been replaced with "accounting." Maybe.
I want to go where God wants me to go. I want to listen to what my heart is telling me. I want to do something that helps people. Can I help someone working in accounting? I sure hope so. So, looking up the degree on the school's website, I found the list of requirements needed to "receive an Accounting Associate Business degree." And wow. Pretty much back to square one. I currently have a whopping 4 (yes, that is right, 4) credits done that can be put towards an Accounting Associate Business degree. My wellness class (yoga) and praise the Dear Lord, my Survey of American Government is out of the way! And maybe, possibly, potentially, some of my other classes will count as electives. But I don't want to hold my breath on that one. The only ones that have a shot, I believe, are my 3 math courses from last year.
Accounting is not really something that just magically showed up on my doorstep (unlike Art/Graphic Design); it ha kind of always been on the forefront of my mind -- just the farthest part back of the forefront. I have always loved numbers and have been good with them. Someone, somewhere along the way suggested accounting. At that point in my life, I was convinced that I was going to be a Registered Nurse working in post-pardum. Yea... there is currently no passion for going to school to be an RN anymore.
So, here I sit, sophomore year of college. 2/3 the way to obtaining my AA (Associates in Art). Just about ready to change my major to something completely unrelated! Is this what I am suppose to do? I haven't had any counseling (but I will. But tomorrow is the first day of registration and I need to register for my fall classes before I have the chance to meet with an adviser. But I will call soon and try to set something up). I have 4 classes adding up to 14 credits ready to enroll in come 8am Tuesday Morning. Am I ready for this?
I had my mind all set to take a ton of classes this summer and fall to have my AA after Fall semester. God has placed it upon my heart to stop and really re-evaluate where He wants me. And while I really still don't know where He wants me 100%, I am ready to take this leap of faith.
One fear is that I will get 2/3 the way done with Accounting, and then want to change my major all over again. Seriously? Sounds like something I need to take up to my Heavenly Father. This is why I like short [degrees]. (Hence like my CNA license. It was $800 and 6 weeks. I didn't really have a chance to think about what I was doing long-term or get bored with it or feel as though a ton of money was being wasted. Or maybe it was all just a part of God's master plan? I will go with the latter). At least staying at the Community College is cheaper then almost anywhere else (staying home and working full time would be the cheapest at this point!).
I have learned much in the past 4 semesters though. I have learned, on some level anywhoo, what it takes to achieve good grades. I have grown as a person in so many ways. I am learning what I like and don't like, my passions. And while I will always enjoy art, I don't see myself having a career in it. Unless God wants me to. I now look at things differently. Granted, when I go to design my kitchen, we shall all see how many of these design elements I take with me.
This semester, I am enrolled in a photography class. I have always been passionate about photography. While I may or may not go beyond an amateur, I have learned much in this class and will take so much with me. Even in the past 10 weeks, my images have improved (I will have an "end of the semester in photos" blog post in about 4 or 5 weeks [if I can figure out how to upload pictures to my blog] to display my growth).
Best decision yet has been to drop my summer classes and stop working so hard to achieve ranks in this society. What is the point of pressing forward if I am unsure of where God is calling me? I have almost 5 whole months to pray and discern what God is calling me to do before Fall semester starts up in August. Until then, I will be registered for Business classes pertaining "to receive an Accounting Associate Business degree."
Oh happy day!
"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (Col. 3:17)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
... Where did the simplicy go?
Simplicity... What part of living a simple life don't I fully understand yet?
It seems like each week I get to a point of complete chaos and confusion and everything is just so very overwhelming. Every week I verbally proclaim that I want to live simply, life a simple life.
Yet here I am again, Sunday evening, and today has just been a chillax kind of day and when I went upstairs to get my basket of laundry to wash, I looked around my room and bathroom. Complete and utter chaos. Things are everywhere. Clothes that have yet to make it to the closet. Blankets spread all over the floor that fell off last night but will not be put back on until tonight only to fall off again and the bed remade at night. I mean seriously ... how hard is it to stay organized? Once I am done with work, I feel great, accomplished, and such. Yet getting to that point of moving .... it can be so hard! It is not even like I have that much stuff? I really only like to keep things that have sentimental value so that means that the amount of trinkets is greatly reduced. So then where is everything coming from? I wish I knew.
I would prefer to make the bed in the morning, but unfortunately I have not succeeded at becoming a morning person. I would love a set schedule of when I clean the bathrooms, when I vacuum, wash laundry, and so on and so forth.
It is like a lose-lose situation when it comes to sleeping. I am so much more productive in the later evenings but I always feel as though the day is wasted when I sleep past 9. But then again, I am almost never in bed before midnight on my nights off, and 2am on my working nights.
I wanted to walk, exercise, do things today. Did that happen? Nope. Why? Just plain and simple: no motivation. Motivating myself is like so not there. I always could just go out and walk by myself, yet I just don't. It wouldn't be half bad to just sit around except that no homework gets done and there is too much junk food around the house. How desperately I would love to cut refined sugars out of my diet as well as all other foods that my body does not need. It would be amazing to get on a healthy eating and exercising schedule.
I just feel as though I am rambling right now. But it feel so good to get what is on the inside, out.
But yes, main goal is to continue to live more and more simple.
This summer I have a couple big plans. 3 entire months of only work and time to do whatever I want (aka, go where God calls, doing what He tells me to do). I have two things on *my* "to do" list for this summer. And they consist of putting a backsplash up in my kitchen, and painting the entry way. It would also be kind of cool to add to the "must buy" list and get a dresser or 2 for my bedroom. I would love to eventually empty out the back bedroom of all my things and get rid of many more things. It would be lovely to turn that room into an art/study studio. Yet I love my dining room. I love the openness, the lighting, not being shut within a room. Oh but the unorganized-ness of it all is driving me nuts! Papers everywhere. Books everywhere. Things lining the wall. 3 of the 4 chairs have things piled on them. Paper. Paper. Paper. So cannot wait for this semester to be done and over with so I can finally recycle the majority of the unnecessary papers that are all over the place! I would love for everything to have a home. I don't mind a little bit of chaos and confusion (like confined to a "junk drawer"). But seriously, there is so much junk everywhere.
I am ready to step up and be more responsible. When I first moved in, I promised myself that I would keep my bedroom and bathroom clean seeing as I was the only one using it and that I did not have a lot of unnecessary things. For about 8 months I did awesome. Cleaning every 2-3 weeks like clockwork. Now... it is like ridiculous to clean regularly. I clean when needed and not before. It is driving me nuts!! My hope and prayer this summer (actually starting now) is that I can get into a routine. That I can get organized and continue to strive (and actually obtain it) to live a very simple life. Just because I have something, does not mean that I need it, or that I am going to eventually use it.
Oh Lord! Please help me to live for You! Please help me to get rid of everything that keeps me from You!
Why cannot I throw things away easier? I hang onto things thinking that I might need them one day. Not like major things, but just too many things in general. /le sigh.
I am to that point where I would like my house to be more "homey." Nothing has really been done to our house since we've been here for 10 months. It has the same boring paint color, the same neutral color scheme throughout the house. Nothing hanging on the walls. Nothing to personalize it. No "woman's touch" whatsoever. Just one day at a time. I am ready to put some picture up on the walls. I am ready for some different paint colors. I am ready to have fun! I was talking with my dad last night and I told him that I haven't done anything yet because I am afraid of making mistakes and having to redo things and that I want to do things that he likes and whatnot. After exploring Lowe's and getting ideas of what we both like, it sounds like we are pretty much on the same page for likes/dislikes. Also, he said that I can do what I would like and that I don't have to be afraid. So, house remodeling .... here I come! I am so excited! So, I have limited myself to just two projects this summer. If we get more done, great! But seeing as I will be balancing between work and social life, I just want to start small ... also considering that I've never taken a kitchen apart or tiled before! But it will be great!
So, that's what's up tonight.
It seems like each week I get to a point of complete chaos and confusion and everything is just so very overwhelming. Every week I verbally proclaim that I want to live simply, life a simple life.
Yet here I am again, Sunday evening, and today has just been a chillax kind of day and when I went upstairs to get my basket of laundry to wash, I looked around my room and bathroom. Complete and utter chaos. Things are everywhere. Clothes that have yet to make it to the closet. Blankets spread all over the floor that fell off last night but will not be put back on until tonight only to fall off again and the bed remade at night. I mean seriously ... how hard is it to stay organized? Once I am done with work, I feel great, accomplished, and such. Yet getting to that point of moving .... it can be so hard! It is not even like I have that much stuff? I really only like to keep things that have sentimental value so that means that the amount of trinkets is greatly reduced. So then where is everything coming from? I wish I knew.
I would prefer to make the bed in the morning, but unfortunately I have not succeeded at becoming a morning person. I would love a set schedule of when I clean the bathrooms, when I vacuum, wash laundry, and so on and so forth.
It is like a lose-lose situation when it comes to sleeping. I am so much more productive in the later evenings but I always feel as though the day is wasted when I sleep past 9. But then again, I am almost never in bed before midnight on my nights off, and 2am on my working nights.
I wanted to walk, exercise, do things today. Did that happen? Nope. Why? Just plain and simple: no motivation. Motivating myself is like so not there. I always could just go out and walk by myself, yet I just don't. It wouldn't be half bad to just sit around except that no homework gets done and there is too much junk food around the house. How desperately I would love to cut refined sugars out of my diet as well as all other foods that my body does not need. It would be amazing to get on a healthy eating and exercising schedule.
I just feel as though I am rambling right now. But it feel so good to get what is on the inside, out.
But yes, main goal is to continue to live more and more simple.
This summer I have a couple big plans. 3 entire months of only work and time to do whatever I want (aka, go where God calls, doing what He tells me to do). I have two things on *my* "to do" list for this summer. And they consist of putting a backsplash up in my kitchen, and painting the entry way. It would also be kind of cool to add to the "must buy" list and get a dresser or 2 for my bedroom. I would love to eventually empty out the back bedroom of all my things and get rid of many more things. It would be lovely to turn that room into an art/study studio. Yet I love my dining room. I love the openness, the lighting, not being shut within a room. Oh but the unorganized-ness of it all is driving me nuts! Papers everywhere. Books everywhere. Things lining the wall. 3 of the 4 chairs have things piled on them. Paper. Paper. Paper. So cannot wait for this semester to be done and over with so I can finally recycle the majority of the unnecessary papers that are all over the place! I would love for everything to have a home. I don't mind a little bit of chaos and confusion (like confined to a "junk drawer"). But seriously, there is so much junk everywhere.
I am ready to step up and be more responsible. When I first moved in, I promised myself that I would keep my bedroom and bathroom clean seeing as I was the only one using it and that I did not have a lot of unnecessary things. For about 8 months I did awesome. Cleaning every 2-3 weeks like clockwork. Now... it is like ridiculous to clean regularly. I clean when needed and not before. It is driving me nuts!! My hope and prayer this summer (actually starting now) is that I can get into a routine. That I can get organized and continue to strive (and actually obtain it) to live a very simple life. Just because I have something, does not mean that I need it, or that I am going to eventually use it.
Oh Lord! Please help me to live for You! Please help me to get rid of everything that keeps me from You!
Why cannot I throw things away easier? I hang onto things thinking that I might need them one day. Not like major things, but just too many things in general. /le sigh.
I am to that point where I would like my house to be more "homey." Nothing has really been done to our house since we've been here for 10 months. It has the same boring paint color, the same neutral color scheme throughout the house. Nothing hanging on the walls. Nothing to personalize it. No "woman's touch" whatsoever. Just one day at a time. I am ready to put some picture up on the walls. I am ready for some different paint colors. I am ready to have fun! I was talking with my dad last night and I told him that I haven't done anything yet because I am afraid of making mistakes and having to redo things and that I want to do things that he likes and whatnot. After exploring Lowe's and getting ideas of what we both like, it sounds like we are pretty much on the same page for likes/dislikes. Also, he said that I can do what I would like and that I don't have to be afraid. So, house remodeling .... here I come! I am so excited! So, I have limited myself to just two projects this summer. If we get more done, great! But seeing as I will be balancing between work and social life, I just want to start small ... also considering that I've never taken a kitchen apart or tiled before! But it will be great!
So, that's what's up tonight.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Just Lovin' on God
Currently my thoughts are all jumbled. I have been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I pray that it has been, is, and will continue to change my life for the better. I am in the middle of chapter 6, and wow has it been thought provoking.
I wish that I could sum it all up easily, but the bottom line is that if you have not already read it, you need to read it.
I have all these ideas to blog about, then when time allows to write, nothing wants to come out. I always feel as though there are the readers to please and that the wording has to be done ever so cautiously and carefully. How much of myself do I put out there or how much should I hold in? I try to put my heart and soul into my posts, yet at the same time, there is always a bit of hesitancy. I long to reach people through my own life stories, but how can I do that if I don't share my stories? I want to share my good times and bad times, I want to share the happy and the sad. I want to share the pride and the humiliations. I want to be transparent. There cannot be a mask, there cannot be any hiding. I just want this to be me. I want to present myself as I am. Not who I want to be. Not who others want me to be. not who I, or anyone else thinks I should be. Just me. I just want to be me.
Loving God. Who is God and why should I love Him? I had never really thought much about this question before recently. I knew that I was on earth to "know, love and serve God in this world." I never questioned who this God was. I never took a moment to actually dig deeper and really try to figure out who this supreme being is that I am suppose to know to love and to serve. How can I love someone I don't know? How can I serve someone that I don't love?
So, Who is God? I so badly wish that I could remember the entire conversation that took place between Atlanta and Nashville. While I don't remember the exact words, I do know that I started out in this awful place of chaos and confusion, not having any place to grab onto, then ended in a place of complete peace and serenity with the confident and comfort that God is love. Ever since then, it has been ingrained in my subconscious (and conscious as well) and I can see God is Love all around me in all I do and in all He does for me.
Reading Crazy Love has certainly been eye opening and challenges me to life the life God intended for me; to know Him, love Him and serve Him. Now that I am getting to know God in a more intimate way, I can love Him in a way that I have never loved before. Out of this love, I can serve Him. I constantly want to grow and learn to know God more fully, love Him more deeply and serve Him more selflessly. As well as so. much. more.
For a long time I could not wait to get married and have a family. I felt that that was indeed the life God intended for me. God certainly knows better. I am at such a beautiful place in my life right now! While there are certainly moments of chaos and confusion, God always presents Himself to me and takes me by the hand and guides me to safety (and sanity). I am now at a point in my life where I am perfectly content with building my relationship with God and loving Him alone more intimately. The thought and idea of marriage scares me right now. I want to love God. I want to honor and worship Him alone. I have felt this way for about 2 weeks now, and Francis Chan sums it up beautifully:
"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."
As I read this, I just kept thinking to myself "Yes, yes!" but also at the same time, there were attacks from the enemy. He wants us to be separated from God! Thoughts kept coming to mind where they were readily discarded. Thoughts that human love is more fulfilling then God's love. Thoughts that God's love is different and cannot be compared to human love. Thoughts of the such came and went like clockwork.
But no! This indeed is how we should love God! Just because God is everywhere does not mean that we should not long to be close to Him! It does not mean that we should not set aside time of the day just one-on-one with our Lord and Savior! Nor does it mean that human relationships should be avoided. All I know is that this is just a small example compared to the love I want to have for God. I long to love God with all I am! I don't want the distractions that Paul talks about concerning marriage. I want God. God alone!
So, does that mean to say that marriage will never be an option? No. Just at this point in my life, God is everything. I pray that all the days of my life God is everything, but maybe He will entrust me with a different responsibility by presenting a spouse to me in the future. Right now I don't want to long for something that I don't have and something that might result in the pulling away from God. Only God knows my future. If God wills that I get married, I want to be one of those women who is so lost in God that a man must seek God in order to find me. That has been one of my favorite quotes for a long time now, but it never really hit me fully until right this very moment ...
I will never be perfect. I will never be sinless. I will never be able to pay God back for what Jesus did for me on the cross. Yet I can love God. I love God because His is good and He is love. I don't want to love God because He is good to me. I don't just want to love Him because my prayers are answered. I want to love Him because He loved me first. I want to love Him because He is God!
Francis Chan quotes John Piper from God Is the Gospel:
"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"
Talk about a smack between the eyes! As I read this a fourth, fifth and sixth time over, I now shake my head 'no' and realize the weight of that kind of question. It makes me realize how often I have gone on with my life acting as though God is not present. How selfish, and proud and stupid I have been in thinking that I can take care of myself and that these earthly things can bring everlasting joy and peace and all things good!
My source is God. I draw near to Him and long to live my life in perfect accordance with His most holy will for my life. I want to go where He leads me. I want to go when He says "go." I want to stay still and silent when He wishes me to. I want to hear His voice, and take His hand, and take up my cross and follow Him. All the days of my life. He knows the plan He has for me. I want to accept it gracefully and humbly and with complete faith and trust in Him! I want every earthly distraction that separates me from my Lord removed. Just me and God. I hunger and thirst for just me and God.
What an amazing thing it is to say that I know, love and serve God! I want to be able to say that all the days of my life! Amen.
"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirst for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long."
I wish that I could sum it all up easily, but the bottom line is that if you have not already read it, you need to read it.
I have all these ideas to blog about, then when time allows to write, nothing wants to come out. I always feel as though there are the readers to please and that the wording has to be done ever so cautiously and carefully. How much of myself do I put out there or how much should I hold in? I try to put my heart and soul into my posts, yet at the same time, there is always a bit of hesitancy. I long to reach people through my own life stories, but how can I do that if I don't share my stories? I want to share my good times and bad times, I want to share the happy and the sad. I want to share the pride and the humiliations. I want to be transparent. There cannot be a mask, there cannot be any hiding. I just want this to be me. I want to present myself as I am. Not who I want to be. Not who others want me to be. not who I, or anyone else thinks I should be. Just me. I just want to be me.
Loving God. Who is God and why should I love Him? I had never really thought much about this question before recently. I knew that I was on earth to "know, love and serve God in this world." I never questioned who this God was. I never took a moment to actually dig deeper and really try to figure out who this supreme being is that I am suppose to know to love and to serve. How can I love someone I don't know? How can I serve someone that I don't love?
So, Who is God? I so badly wish that I could remember the entire conversation that took place between Atlanta and Nashville. While I don't remember the exact words, I do know that I started out in this awful place of chaos and confusion, not having any place to grab onto, then ended in a place of complete peace and serenity with the confident and comfort that God is love. Ever since then, it has been ingrained in my subconscious (and conscious as well) and I can see God is Love all around me in all I do and in all He does for me.
Reading Crazy Love has certainly been eye opening and challenges me to life the life God intended for me; to know Him, love Him and serve Him. Now that I am getting to know God in a more intimate way, I can love Him in a way that I have never loved before. Out of this love, I can serve Him. I constantly want to grow and learn to know God more fully, love Him more deeply and serve Him more selflessly. As well as so. much. more.
For a long time I could not wait to get married and have a family. I felt that that was indeed the life God intended for me. God certainly knows better. I am at such a beautiful place in my life right now! While there are certainly moments of chaos and confusion, God always presents Himself to me and takes me by the hand and guides me to safety (and sanity). I am now at a point in my life where I am perfectly content with building my relationship with God and loving Him alone more intimately. The thought and idea of marriage scares me right now. I want to love God. I want to honor and worship Him alone. I have felt this way for about 2 weeks now, and Francis Chan sums it up beautifully:
"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."
As I read this, I just kept thinking to myself "Yes, yes!" but also at the same time, there were attacks from the enemy. He wants us to be separated from God! Thoughts kept coming to mind where they were readily discarded. Thoughts that human love is more fulfilling then God's love. Thoughts that God's love is different and cannot be compared to human love. Thoughts of the such came and went like clockwork.
But no! This indeed is how we should love God! Just because God is everywhere does not mean that we should not long to be close to Him! It does not mean that we should not set aside time of the day just one-on-one with our Lord and Savior! Nor does it mean that human relationships should be avoided. All I know is that this is just a small example compared to the love I want to have for God. I long to love God with all I am! I don't want the distractions that Paul talks about concerning marriage. I want God. God alone!
So, does that mean to say that marriage will never be an option? No. Just at this point in my life, God is everything. I pray that all the days of my life God is everything, but maybe He will entrust me with a different responsibility by presenting a spouse to me in the future. Right now I don't want to long for something that I don't have and something that might result in the pulling away from God. Only God knows my future. If God wills that I get married, I want to be one of those women who is so lost in God that a man must seek God in order to find me. That has been one of my favorite quotes for a long time now, but it never really hit me fully until right this very moment ...
I will never be perfect. I will never be sinless. I will never be able to pay God back for what Jesus did for me on the cross. Yet I can love God. I love God because His is good and He is love. I don't want to love God because He is good to me. I don't just want to love Him because my prayers are answered. I want to love Him because He loved me first. I want to love Him because He is God!
Francis Chan quotes John Piper from God Is the Gospel:
"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"
Talk about a smack between the eyes! As I read this a fourth, fifth and sixth time over, I now shake my head 'no' and realize the weight of that kind of question. It makes me realize how often I have gone on with my life acting as though God is not present. How selfish, and proud and stupid I have been in thinking that I can take care of myself and that these earthly things can bring everlasting joy and peace and all things good!
My source is God. I draw near to Him and long to live my life in perfect accordance with His most holy will for my life. I want to go where He leads me. I want to go when He says "go." I want to stay still and silent when He wishes me to. I want to hear His voice, and take His hand, and take up my cross and follow Him. All the days of my life. He knows the plan He has for me. I want to accept it gracefully and humbly and with complete faith and trust in Him! I want every earthly distraction that separates me from my Lord removed. Just me and God. I hunger and thirst for just me and God.
What an amazing thing it is to say that I know, love and serve God! I want to be able to say that all the days of my life! Amen.
"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirst for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long."
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
A Voice of Silence
This past weekend, as I was praying, begging God to reveal to me those things in my life that keep me from Him, those things in my life that take up too much time, those things that are a distraction and can be either limited or eliminated, He spoke to me. "Facebook," He said. "Facebook? Yes, God, I know Facebook is a huge distraction, but what am I to do? It is the sole way of communication with several people... if I get rid of it, how will I talk to them?" Question, after question, after question popped into my head. I argued, I tried reasoning, I tried to see if there was another way. There wasn't. I thought maybe I would be strong enough that maybe if I only did not log on then I would be okay. But this has been tried in the past. This has been attempted. It has not worked. I am not strong enough on my own. Keeping an active facebook page would be too tempting to log on to see if anyone has posted on my wall, liked anything, sent me a message, etc., etc., etc. I would feel obligated to get on right away and respond. From a psychological approach, everyone is used to me being on alllll the time and know that it is one of the fastest ways to get a hold of me. Maybe it is all in my head? Regardless, I am trying to break this habit. Once I learn what God is teaching me, if He tells me I am okay to reactivate my page, then I will. Facebook will no longer be where I "hang out." It is not, nor will be where I go when I am bored and need to be social. Yes, indeed it is a huge form of comunication, but I do not want it to be the sole form of communication. I remember when emails were the thing to do. It was cool to email. Now I feel that we are so technology advanced that the simple joy of am email is lost. Tho I actually prefer the fine art of hand written letters.... despite the fact that I am way behind on the ones that owe to a few people....
So, all in all, I have been without facebook for almost 3 days. Yea, I know three days. Three days is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But what have I learned? I have learned that I spent way too much time trying to connect with people via the internet versus actually get out and enjoying life. I have actually spent more time interacting with people and doing homework (yey photo shoots!)! I am getting done what needs to get done. I am productive. It was amazing doing homework yesterday afternoon and not being distracted by my phone with facebook! I have been reading more. I have discovered an amazing blog that has really given me a different view/insight on where I am at in life.
Yes, I do miss facebook. I miss the convenience of being able to just write on someone's wall or send them a facebook message, etc. There is something on my heart that I want to share with a friend, yet I only have her contact information via facebook. So, I pray for patience and that God continues to teach me and help me grow and that I can endure this time away from the socially advanced word of technology until God reveals to me more of His master plans for my life.
This time is me and God time. God can use me to reach the world in far more ways when I am away from my computer then when I am glued to the facebook page. I look forward to having it back and using it in a very limited way. But as for now, this time away is much, much needed.
God Bless †
So, all in all, I have been without facebook for almost 3 days. Yea, I know three days. Three days is nothing in the grand scheme of things. But what have I learned? I have learned that I spent way too much time trying to connect with people via the internet versus actually get out and enjoying life. I have actually spent more time interacting with people and doing homework (yey photo shoots!)! I am getting done what needs to get done. I am productive. It was amazing doing homework yesterday afternoon and not being distracted by my phone with facebook! I have been reading more. I have discovered an amazing blog that has really given me a different view/insight on where I am at in life.
Yes, I do miss facebook. I miss the convenience of being able to just write on someone's wall or send them a facebook message, etc. There is something on my heart that I want to share with a friend, yet I only have her contact information via facebook. So, I pray for patience and that God continues to teach me and help me grow and that I can endure this time away from the socially advanced word of technology until God reveals to me more of His master plans for my life.
This time is me and God time. God can use me to reach the world in far more ways when I am away from my computer then when I am glued to the facebook page. I look forward to having it back and using it in a very limited way. But as for now, this time away is much, much needed.
God Bless †
Monday, March 12, 2012
God-Fearing
Lately I have been having many questions, struggles and fears. I have had lovely people take time to sit down and talk with me, explaining things, using analogies and just being wonderful in general. These moments have been a tremendous help and while I don't always walk away with strong convictions, they always aide in God revealing something beautiful to me. Then there are those things that come up and they are not always on the forefront of my mind so they don't typically come up in deep, theological discussions.
So, one of those things has been Fear of the Lord. What exactly is fear of the Lord? How does one fear the Lord? God loves us and wants us to approach him and love Him but we are suppose to ... fear Him? Doesn't that like contradict itself?
And while I still do not fully understand it all, I am taking baby steps. I realize that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I learn, I will never, ever learn all there is to know about God. But I am still thankful for those tad bits of revelation that get me thru the hard times and are used as stepping stones to get to the next thing God has in store for me.
Well, back to my revelation on Fear of the Lord.
I went to a different Mass last night, one that I have never been to before, with a pastor that I have no idea who he was. It was beautiful and the sermon was really good. Though I am not sure I know what exactly he meant the message to be, there was a good portion of it that God used him to speak to my heart and soul and reveal a small glimpse of what it means to Fear the Lord.
Thus analogy was used:
Imagine that you are driving down a wide open road late at night. You approach a red light and no one is seen at all. For a moment you think about just rolling thru the red light. But then the thought comes that there might be a cop sitting somewhere and you just don't see him. You don't want to get in trouble or get a ticket for breaking the law, so you sit there waiting for the light to change.
What if we all viewed God in a similar way? The different between God and the cop in this analogy is that God is everywhere. He always knows what we are doing, thinking, wishing, etc. Yet I feel that sometimes that is forgotten. I know that there are times when I carry on with my life "rolling thru the red lights" completely ignoring the fact that God is watching me. When I actually sit and ponder the fact that God is indeed everywhere knowing all there is to know about me, it makes me want to rethink what I am doing, think about what I am about to do, reflect on what has already been done.
Fear the Lord because I know what He is capable of. Fear the Lord because I know it hurts Him when I disobey Him. Fear the Lord.
While I certainly do not have the best grasp on the extent of Fear of the Lord, this is a start. This is something that I can grasp and comprehend and use to stand on as I go forward.
I strive to be the woman that God wants me to be. I long to live my life for God. I am taking small steps towards the future, and continue to get to know my Lord, my Savior each and every day.
As always, any feedback is welcome.
God Bless!
Psalm 25:12-14 Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
So, one of those things has been Fear of the Lord. What exactly is fear of the Lord? How does one fear the Lord? God loves us and wants us to approach him and love Him but we are suppose to ... fear Him? Doesn't that like contradict itself?
And while I still do not fully understand it all, I am taking baby steps. I realize that no matter how hard I try and no matter what I learn, I will never, ever learn all there is to know about God. But I am still thankful for those tad bits of revelation that get me thru the hard times and are used as stepping stones to get to the next thing God has in store for me.
Well, back to my revelation on Fear of the Lord.
I went to a different Mass last night, one that I have never been to before, with a pastor that I have no idea who he was. It was beautiful and the sermon was really good. Though I am not sure I know what exactly he meant the message to be, there was a good portion of it that God used him to speak to my heart and soul and reveal a small glimpse of what it means to Fear the Lord.
Thus analogy was used:
Imagine that you are driving down a wide open road late at night. You approach a red light and no one is seen at all. For a moment you think about just rolling thru the red light. But then the thought comes that there might be a cop sitting somewhere and you just don't see him. You don't want to get in trouble or get a ticket for breaking the law, so you sit there waiting for the light to change.
What if we all viewed God in a similar way? The different between God and the cop in this analogy is that God is everywhere. He always knows what we are doing, thinking, wishing, etc. Yet I feel that sometimes that is forgotten. I know that there are times when I carry on with my life "rolling thru the red lights" completely ignoring the fact that God is watching me. When I actually sit and ponder the fact that God is indeed everywhere knowing all there is to know about me, it makes me want to rethink what I am doing, think about what I am about to do, reflect on what has already been done.
Fear the Lord because I know what He is capable of. Fear the Lord because I know it hurts Him when I disobey Him. Fear the Lord.
While I certainly do not have the best grasp on the extent of Fear of the Lord, this is a start. This is something that I can grasp and comprehend and use to stand on as I go forward.
I strive to be the woman that God wants me to be. I long to live my life for God. I am taking small steps towards the future, and continue to get to know my Lord, my Savior each and every day.
As always, any feedback is welcome.
God Bless!
Psalm 25:12-14 Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. He will spend his days in prosperity, and his descendants will inherit the land. The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
A Temple Like No Other
Those moments and realizations in life that hit me square between the eyes and when I go to write about my personal revelations, I come up short on words... I am going to attempt this none the less. Here is a post that I started way back when. Well, it was sometime between December 20th and February 20th.
So, as I was munching on yet another cookie and starting to feel guilty for doing so, I heard a small voice within, "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit!" "Yeaaaah, I know this," I thought to myself, "what's that got to do with this cookie??" I just had to ask... right? Realization! If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, everything that goes in and all that comes out should be used to glorify God! I should nourish my body not only spiritually, but physically as well! There was a point in my life when all I did was nourish it physically, but almost completely ignoring the spiritual nourishment. Then onto the opposite extreme. I began nourishing it spiritually, but the physical part was seriously lacking. Again with the balance. I need both to be healthy. I need a healthy body to have a healthy mind to have a healthy relationship with the Lord, my God! It is all connected. I cannot have one without the other. I cannot focus on just one aspect. They both go hand in hand. So, from here on out, I need to watch what I eat, I need to exercise instead of eating more, I need to watch what I say, I need to watch what I do and where I go and how I live my life. It is not just what I eat. It is what I say, what I think, what I do, how I interact with people, how I respond to situations, if there is failure to stand up for beliefs and stand up for God's truths. Yes, my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and how proud I am to have God living within me! I hope and pray that as I go forward, it is evident in my daily life that it is not me, but God who lives inside me!
So, as I was munching on yet another cookie and starting to feel guilty for doing so, I heard a small voice within, "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit!" "Yeaaaah, I know this," I thought to myself, "what's that got to do with this cookie??" I just had to ask... right? Realization! If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, everything that goes in and all that comes out should be used to glorify God! I should nourish my body not only spiritually, but physically as well! There was a point in my life when all I did was nourish it physically, but almost completely ignoring the spiritual nourishment. Then onto the opposite extreme. I began nourishing it spiritually, but the physical part was seriously lacking. Again with the balance. I need both to be healthy. I need a healthy body to have a healthy mind to have a healthy relationship with the Lord, my God! It is all connected. I cannot have one without the other. I cannot focus on just one aspect. They both go hand in hand. So, from here on out, I need to watch what I eat, I need to exercise instead of eating more, I need to watch what I say, I need to watch what I do and where I go and how I live my life. It is not just what I eat. It is what I say, what I think, what I do, how I interact with people, how I respond to situations, if there is failure to stand up for beliefs and stand up for God's truths. Yes, my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and how proud I am to have God living within me! I hope and pray that as I go forward, it is evident in my daily life that it is not me, but God who lives inside me!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Spring: A Time of New Growth
God is love...
This past week has been so amazing, so beautiful, so humbling, so surreal. This past week brought people into my life who inspire me, encourage me, strengthen me, love me, respect me, and sometimes even annoy me and so so so much more. As I reflect on this past week, I am just amazed at the sequence of events. I am awe-struck at how God planned everything and how things worked out so very perfectly that no human can even try to take credit for the outcome.
There were certainly highs, and there were certainly lows. Just in the few hours that I have been home, I feel as though I am getting stuck on the lows without acknowledging the highs. Once again there are feelings that I should have, could have, would have, done things differently. But then I realize that everything worked out exactly as God saw fit. Had things happened any differently, there may not have been such tremendous inner, spiritual growth.
As I am home from Florida, the green grass has been replaced with brown dry grass and the warm, sweet, breezes have been replaced with chilly winds. The sun shines though. The air holds the sweet odor of spring on its way. Now that we turned the clocks forward, and it stays sunny out longer, spring feels all the closer. Soon the trees will be bearing new leaves and there will be flowers poking up thru the soil (or in my case they have been trying that since the end of January). Spring is a time for new growth, new beginnings, fresh starts. How blessed I am that I can say Spring Break 2012 has been a huge learning experience for me and it is time for new growth and new beginnings in my life. I hope and pray that this past week has been life changing for me and that with God's grace I can live out the life He has planned for me each and every new day.
Sometimes I feel as though I need all these profound words. Sometimes I feel that I need to explain every single situation in great detail. Sometimes I feel as though what I am saying is too simple.
One of the best things that happened to me this week didn't even happen in Florida. It happened somewhere between Chattanooga and Nashville on the way back home. I don't even remember where or when or how it even happened. I was being co-pilot. First time of riding shotgun all week. The entire van was just talking and then our driver said something which sparked an almost 2 hour long conversation between him and me while our van listened ever so quietly and patiently. All week I had been feeling like I was floating out in limbo spiritually. I was having a hard time relating to people and I did not know how to reach out to people. There was a huge burden on my chest and as much as I longed to seek advice and find answers or even just some truth to grab onto and cling to so that I could continue with building a solid foundation. After what seemed like a hectic, chaotic conversation in which I wasn't feeling a bit better at all, all of a sudden it was made clear to me by God thru my friend, my van driver, that God is Love. Simple. Truth. Straight forward. It was exactly what we had been covering all week in small groups from our packet as well as reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. But all week it didn't make since. My head has always known this, but for the first time in a long time, or maybe even for the first time ever, it hit me right in between the eyes. It landed right on my heart... God is Love. That simple. Peace flooded my heart, my soul and my mind. There was no longer a constant fight trying to find answers, trying to find a place to stand. I know God. God is love. God sent His Son Jesus to die on the Cross for my sins. That is the greatest of all examples of Love.
All throughout the week, there were many, many examples of God's love surrounding me. God was and is ever so present in this group of people. From the late night conversations, the hugs, the tears, the laughter, the sisters and brothers in Christ who were by my side the entire week, the seeing God's creation by going to the beaches and kayaking down the river and seeing wildlife, to singing praise and worship in the bus, the quiet walk down the beach crying out to God, the moments alone, the moments with new people who fan my flame for Christ, to just every single small moment, the fellowship, the new friends, the sessions, the small groups, the sunshine and so so so much more! This has most certainly been one of the best weeks of my life yet. I am so very thankful that God has blessed me with this opportunity to fellowship with fellow believers who love me and respect me, and accept me and only want what God wants for me. I don't always have to have it together. I don't always need to be smiling. I don't always, or ever, need to pretend to be someone or something I am not. I am loved for being me; for being the daughter of God that I am.
I pray for all of my new and old friends, for fellow brothers and sisters that I did not get the chance to meet and connect with. I pray that God draws you near and dear to Him and that He continues to bless you all for being such a blessing to others around you. I am honored that I had the privilege of coming on Spring Break 2012 with all of you. My life will never be the same. :)
This past week has been so amazing, so beautiful, so humbling, so surreal. This past week brought people into my life who inspire me, encourage me, strengthen me, love me, respect me, and sometimes even annoy me and so so so much more. As I reflect on this past week, I am just amazed at the sequence of events. I am awe-struck at how God planned everything and how things worked out so very perfectly that no human can even try to take credit for the outcome.
There were certainly highs, and there were certainly lows. Just in the few hours that I have been home, I feel as though I am getting stuck on the lows without acknowledging the highs. Once again there are feelings that I should have, could have, would have, done things differently. But then I realize that everything worked out exactly as God saw fit. Had things happened any differently, there may not have been such tremendous inner, spiritual growth.
As I am home from Florida, the green grass has been replaced with brown dry grass and the warm, sweet, breezes have been replaced with chilly winds. The sun shines though. The air holds the sweet odor of spring on its way. Now that we turned the clocks forward, and it stays sunny out longer, spring feels all the closer. Soon the trees will be bearing new leaves and there will be flowers poking up thru the soil (or in my case they have been trying that since the end of January). Spring is a time for new growth, new beginnings, fresh starts. How blessed I am that I can say Spring Break 2012 has been a huge learning experience for me and it is time for new growth and new beginnings in my life. I hope and pray that this past week has been life changing for me and that with God's grace I can live out the life He has planned for me each and every new day.
Sometimes I feel as though I need all these profound words. Sometimes I feel that I need to explain every single situation in great detail. Sometimes I feel as though what I am saying is too simple.
One of the best things that happened to me this week didn't even happen in Florida. It happened somewhere between Chattanooga and Nashville on the way back home. I don't even remember where or when or how it even happened. I was being co-pilot. First time of riding shotgun all week. The entire van was just talking and then our driver said something which sparked an almost 2 hour long conversation between him and me while our van listened ever so quietly and patiently. All week I had been feeling like I was floating out in limbo spiritually. I was having a hard time relating to people and I did not know how to reach out to people. There was a huge burden on my chest and as much as I longed to seek advice and find answers or even just some truth to grab onto and cling to so that I could continue with building a solid foundation. After what seemed like a hectic, chaotic conversation in which I wasn't feeling a bit better at all, all of a sudden it was made clear to me by God thru my friend, my van driver, that God is Love. Simple. Truth. Straight forward. It was exactly what we had been covering all week in small groups from our packet as well as reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. But all week it didn't make since. My head has always known this, but for the first time in a long time, or maybe even for the first time ever, it hit me right in between the eyes. It landed right on my heart... God is Love. That simple. Peace flooded my heart, my soul and my mind. There was no longer a constant fight trying to find answers, trying to find a place to stand. I know God. God is love. God sent His Son Jesus to die on the Cross for my sins. That is the greatest of all examples of Love.
All throughout the week, there were many, many examples of God's love surrounding me. God was and is ever so present in this group of people. From the late night conversations, the hugs, the tears, the laughter, the sisters and brothers in Christ who were by my side the entire week, the seeing God's creation by going to the beaches and kayaking down the river and seeing wildlife, to singing praise and worship in the bus, the quiet walk down the beach crying out to God, the moments alone, the moments with new people who fan my flame for Christ, to just every single small moment, the fellowship, the new friends, the sessions, the small groups, the sunshine and so so so much more! This has most certainly been one of the best weeks of my life yet. I am so very thankful that God has blessed me with this opportunity to fellowship with fellow believers who love me and respect me, and accept me and only want what God wants for me. I don't always have to have it together. I don't always need to be smiling. I don't always, or ever, need to pretend to be someone or something I am not. I am loved for being me; for being the daughter of God that I am.
I pray for all of my new and old friends, for fellow brothers and sisters that I did not get the chance to meet and connect with. I pray that God draws you near and dear to Him and that He continues to bless you all for being such a blessing to others around you. I am honored that I had the privilege of coming on Spring Break 2012 with all of you. My life will never be the same. :)
Hillsong "From the Inside Out"
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart and my soul, I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise, become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You
My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out
From the inside out, O my soul cries out.
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