Just Lovin' on God

Currently my thoughts are all jumbled. I have been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I pray that it has been, is, and will continue to change my life for the better. I am in the middle of chapter 6, and wow has it been thought provoking.

I wish that I could sum it all up easily, but the bottom line is that if you have not already read it, you need to read it.

I have all these ideas to blog about, then when time allows to write, nothing wants to come out. I always feel as though there are the readers to please and that the wording has to be done ever so cautiously and carefully. How much of myself do I put out there or how much should I hold in? I try to put my heart and soul into my posts, yet at the same time, there is always a bit of hesitancy. I long to reach people through my own life stories, but how can I do that if I don't share my stories? I want to share my good times and bad times, I want to share the happy and the sad. I want to share the pride and the humiliations. I want to be transparent. There cannot be a mask, there cannot be any hiding. I just want this to be me. I want to present myself as I am. Not who I want to be. Not who others want me to be. not who I, or anyone else thinks I should be. Just me. I just want to be me.

Loving God. Who is God and why should I love Him? I had never really thought much about this question before recently. I knew that I was on earth to "know, love and serve God in this world." I never questioned who this God was. I never took a moment to actually dig deeper and really try to figure out who this supreme being is that I am suppose to know to love and to serve. How can I love someone I don't know? How can I serve someone that I don't love?

So, Who is God? I so badly wish that I could remember the entire conversation that took place between Atlanta and Nashville. While I don't remember the exact words, I do know that I started out in this awful place of chaos and confusion, not having any place to grab onto, then ended in a place of complete peace and serenity with the confident and comfort that God is love. Ever since then, it has been ingrained in my subconscious (and conscious as well) and I can see God is Love all around me in all I do and in all He does for me.

Reading Crazy Love has certainly been eye opening and challenges me to life the life God intended for me; to know Him, love Him and serve Him. Now that I am getting to know God in a more intimate way, I can love Him in a way that I have never loved before. Out of this love, I can serve Him. I constantly want to grow and learn to know God more fully, love Him more deeply and serve Him more selflessly. As well as so. much. more.

For a long time I could not wait to get married and have a family. I felt that that was indeed the life God intended for me. God certainly knows better. I am at such a beautiful place in my life right now! While there are certainly moments of chaos and confusion, God always presents Himself to me and takes me by the hand and guides me to safety (and sanity). I am now at a point in my life where I am perfectly content with building my relationship with God and loving Him alone more intimately. The thought and idea of marriage scares me right now. I want to love God. I want to honor and worship Him alone. I have felt this way for about 2 weeks now, and Francis Chan sums it up beautifully:

"When you are truly in love, you go to great lengths to be with the one you love. You'll drive for hours to be together, even if it's only for a short while. You don't mind staying up late to talk. Walking in the rain is romantic, not annoying. You'll willingly spend a small fortune on the one you're crazy about. When you are apart from each other, it's painful, even miserable. He or she is all you think about; you jump at any chance to be together."

As I read this, I just kept thinking to myself "Yes, yes!" but also at the same time, there were attacks from the enemy. He wants us to be separated from God! Thoughts kept coming to mind where they were readily discarded. Thoughts that human love is more fulfilling then God's love. Thoughts that God's love is different and cannot be compared to human love. Thoughts of the such came and went like clockwork.

But no! This indeed is how we should love God! Just because God is everywhere does not mean that we should not long to be close to Him! It does not mean that we should not set aside time of the day just one-on-one with our Lord and Savior! Nor does it mean that human relationships should be avoided. All I know is that this is just a small example compared to the love I want to have for God. I long to love God with all I am! I don't want the distractions that Paul talks about concerning marriage. I want God. God alone!

So, does that mean to say that marriage will never be an option? No. Just at this point in my life, God is everything. I pray that all the days of my life God is everything, but maybe He will entrust me with a different responsibility by presenting a spouse to me in the future. Right now I don't want to long for something that I don't have and something that might result in the pulling away from God. Only God knows my future. If God wills that I get married, I want to be one of those women who is so lost in God that a man must seek God in order to find me. That has been one of my favorite quotes for a long time now, but it never really hit me fully until right this very moment ...

I will never be perfect. I will never be sinless. I will never be able to pay God back for what Jesus did for me on the cross. Yet I can love God. I love God because His is good and He is love. I don't want to love God because He is good to me. I don't just want to love Him because my prayers are answered. I want to love Him because He loved me first. I want to love Him because He is God!

Francis Chan quotes John Piper from God Is the Gospel:

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

Talk about a smack between the eyes! As I read this a fourth, fifth and sixth time over, I now shake my head 'no' and realize the weight of that kind of question. It makes me realize how often I have gone on with my life acting as though God is not present. How selfish, and proud and stupid I have been in thinking that I can take care of myself and that these earthly things can bring everlasting joy and peace and all things good!

My source is God. I draw near to Him and long to live my life in perfect accordance with His most holy will for my life. I want to go where He leads me. I want to go when He says "go." I want to stay still and silent when He wishes me to. I want to hear His voice, and take His hand, and take up my cross and follow Him. All the days of my life. He knows the plan He has for me. I want to accept it gracefully and humbly and with complete faith and trust in Him! I want every earthly distraction that separates me from my Lord removed. Just me and God. I hunger and thirst for just me and God.

What an amazing thing it is to say that I know, love and serve God! I want to be able to say that all the days of my life! Amen.

"Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirst for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long."