Gardens in my Life

Sometimes there are those moments in life where emotion just overtakes. There is such a strong desire to remain strong and not show "weakness." [NEWSFLASH! ... crying does NOT equate weak].




After what has been on the longest, fastest, shortest, most dragged on, and hardest past year that I have faced to date, filled with far too many tears, I thought I cried the last of all the tears. I was determined not to cry anymore.




Why cry over something long passed? Why cry over something so long ago?




I am fighting a battle that is not mine. I am clinging to a promise never told. I am waiting for something, someone that doesn't share in the same hope and dream.




When will this end? It should have ended long ago. My emotions should never been allowed to take such a long, nauseating ride on that roller coaster.




Too often I wonder why I allowed myself that unnecessary ride. It wasn't needed. I don't even know if I learned anything from it.


Hope remains. But I feel insane for keeping my hope in something that has proven time and time again how unhealthy it is. 


The hurt and the pain is real. The grief, sorrow and plain flat out raw emotion is real.




I want to surrender all. I feel like I have surrendered all. But then I feel like I hold on. There is a part of me that wants to want what I want. But that has led to a year of heartache and broken dreams and shattered hopes.


Sometimes I feel like life is a series of obstacles and that if I perform "correctly" then I'll get what I want. FALSE. There is no truth in that above statement, yet too often I feel like that is how I live my life and that that is why some people have what I want. "They are just doing it right. Maybe if I ... like them .. then ... I'll get that too." LIE again.


I can see how satan has planted seeds of despair and seeds of doubt. I pluck them out in the name of Jesus! I tend to the garden of my mind and I grow hope, and life and light. I remove the thorns and thistles that choke out the Goodness of God. I weed out the unnecessary and water it with the LIVING WATER.


Some days are more emotional than others. But I chose to embrace the tears as a sign of strength. It shows that I have heart and that I do everything with passion and purpose. I am not a robot. I am not just doing the moves. I am alive and I walk in the fullness of God.


I shed the things not of Him, and suit up in the full armour of God! I am His daughter and He loves me. Even when I try to fight the battle that He has already won.