Wow. Where to start. Life just seems like one giant lump of stress at the moment.
Is there ever a point in one's life when the desire to seek God becomes too strong? I cannot fathom that God intended the quest for truth to be this complicated and riddled with so many trials and hardships and stresses and burdens. But then sin entered the world.
Sigh. As life continues on, everything just seems so much more complicated. Everything just seems to all come at once.
Reaching out to people and talking is a battle in and of itself. I observe people and they appear to have it all together all the time. Yet here I am, feeling as though I am back to square one where words are impossible and emotions and feelings and thoughts are only expressed with tears. Or just held inside. I want to talk. I long to talk. Talking and getting different insight always helps.
In a funk again. At a point in life where everything is spinning and either way could be up or down. I said to someone earlier "I have checked out mentally." Like seriously. My life consists of going thru the motions without any feelings or emotions or thoughts. I keep telling myself and others "I cannot wait for the semester to end!" And yes, the end of the semester will be amazing because then I will have much more free time for God. Now, as long as I make sure to use the extra time for Him!
I literally cried out to God tonight telling Him that I was ready to give up. I feel as though a loosing battle is being fought. I feel so very alone in this walk of life. I realize that God is always with me. Yet on a daily basis it feels as though I am sinking in the "to do" lists of life. I no longer want to be bogged down by the things of this world. "Be in the world but not of it." Hm. I've heard that one used plenty of times, but never put much thought into it.
So many people have been and continue to be such an incredible inspiration in my life. I want them to know this. Yet at the same time I don't say anything because I fear I am being a nuisance or bothering them or being too clingy or stalkerish. So then I don't say anything and I feel awkward even carrying on a normal conversation. Then again, having a surface-level conversation has never been my thing. I am much more comfortable in deep, theological, Christ-filled conversations.
Relating to people has been another constant struggle. I am my worst critic. I judge myself way too harshly. I hate conformity. I want to be me. And so many people have accepted me for me. Yet when I get in my "internal debates" or "quests for the truth" I crawl back into my own little world, again having a heck of a time opening up and sharing what is going on within me to the world....
So, here I am, sleep deprived and confused and just once again having this floating feeling. And while tonight I have peace with the realization of who God is, I really don't know how to move forward.
Until next time,
My the Peace of Christ be with you forever and always.
My dear girl, you aren't alone in this. So many times, way too many to count, I have felt myself thinking "I am alone on this walk called life". While I don't know exactly what you are going through right now, everyone is different. Yet, in a way, through my own lens, I get it. It really did strike a chord in my own heart.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I will say, never think you are a burden. I say this to myself too. Please feel free to call me anytime, or send me a message, or say we need to go out for coffee soon, because I want to know what you are going through. No matter how small, speak up. It will just eat you inside if it doesn't get out. I may not be able to give advice, but I will listen. I say again; you aren't a burden dear. :)
" Then again, having a surface-level conversation has never been my thing. I am much more comfortable in deep, theological, Christ-filled conversations. " I hear ya girl!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you felt that way! I really hope you get some peace soon! I know how it feels to be where you are describing, it's not a fun place. But, just remember God is always with you. He always will be. It's hard to think that way sometimes, but maybe a simple reminder will help!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. In fact, I'm kinda in the same boat you are. Everything seeming to come at me all at once. All these things to balance and to get done but not enough time to do it all. It feels like there is an army besieging you, oppressing you on every side. It feels like you are caught in a storm, the cold wind and water sapping your strength; fighting a losing battle. I have been feeling like that allot lately.
ReplyDeleteI would advise you to take some time and read scripture. Two passages that I find really help during times like that is Psalms 27 and 2 Kings 6:8-22 paying close attention to verses 15-17. I encourage anyone who read that post and can relate to read those passages. Cry out to Jesus. Admit that there is an army besieging you. Admit to God that you feel like you are in a storm. Admit to God that you feel like your world is crumbling before your very eyes. Then cry out to God, asking him to open your eyes like Elisha did for the servant. Then know that even though the enemy surrounds you; even though the enemy oppresses you; even though the enemy besieges you with fears and doubts; know that God is with you. Know that God's flaming chariots surround you. Know that the enemy can't touch you. Then proclaim with David that:
"The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked advance against me
to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident."
I encourage you as David encourages you:
"Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD."