[Those Times]

I thought it was just me. I thought I was just going through another one of those challenging seasons. That I was once against creating more drama then needed. That I wanted to be alone, but when it came down to it, I actually didn't want to be alone.

It can be challenging just having *me time.* It is a struggle to put on praise and worship music, to sit quietly, to read my bible, to pray. I constantly feel as though I am on the go. I have plans for the entire day. Then if they are cancelled, I quickly find, or try to find, something else to fill this new void with.

Why is it so hard to sit in the classroom of silence? Why is it so hard to give a few moments of the day solely to God? Am I afraid to hear God's voice? Am I afraid to hear where He wants to send me?

In these moments of listening only to myself, I end up in some rather difficult places. I end up hurt, I look to people to make me happy, lead me, guide me, inspire, motivate, encourage me. But this fulfillment lasts only a few short minutes. Then I am crushed, depressed, angry, upset and withdraw. But the withdrawing doesn't lead to a renewed relationship with my Maker. No... the quiet moments are spent absorbed in cleaning, watching tv, weeding my little garden, cooking, baking, using the internet, driving. And while many of these things can indeed be used to bring God honor and glory, I fail to do that. I fail to dedicate my day to God. I fail to converse with my Creator.

I have the tools I need. I have the resources. I have the time, the energy, the will, the want, the need, the desire. But still. Sinful, human, nature takes over and it becomes all about me.

Kneeling before my God. Kneeling before my LORD, my Savior. Kneeling before Him who made me. Humbling myself. Turning from selfish desires, turning from ways that bring me hard, turning wholeheartedly to my ABBA, my GOD!

I was thinking earlier today... we all have a purpose for being here. We all have a role that only we can fulfill. I mean, w h y did God put us here now? Why weren't we here 40 years ago? Why not 200 years ago? Why not 10 years from now? Why n o w? He clearly knows so much better then me. There is something that only we can accomplish, not just on our own, but together.

I know I am not alone. I know that there are so many hurting people out there. It isn't that I need to fit in with my peers, it is that I need to be known by those int he community, it isn't even that I am known as a holy Christ follower who attends church regularly. It is who I am in Christ. It is who I put my faith and trust in. It is how much I allow God to work in and thru me; advancing His kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven.