See Through Me

I have been re-reading many of my old posts. Facebook has this new memory flashback type of thing. I have it set to remind me to look at it, and I see that a lot of my past years were spent blogging and sharing and living my life out loud.



When did I become so quiet? We live in such a day and age where everyone is offended by everything. Has this mentality subtly, yet surely, crept into my way of thinking? Have I stopped sharing out of fear that someone will disagree?



Over the years I have become a homebody. A recluse, almost. I get burned out when I engage in too much social excitement. I like to sit and read. I enjoy knitting and watching Netflix. I sit upstairs in solitude.



Part of this behavior I associate with my job. I have constant human interaction. I was working a job in home health care where I worked with an introverted client and had next to 0 social interaction. I craved to get out. I would hardly be home. I was on the go on the go on the go constantly. Perhaps some growing up happened along the way too. I love people, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather be home with my mind absorbed in Blue Like Jazz or Think Differently, Lead Differently or one of the Hardy Boys Books.




Lately I have been behind the sewing machine again. I have long missed it. Back in 2003-2008, I was hardcore into sewing. I have brought sewing back into my own personal fashion, and have ben going crazy with the baby burp cloths.



Faith is more consistent and less of a roller coaster. I have made the Catholic church my home. I have been learning more about the riches it offers. There are still some hardcore beliefs and teachings that I am digging deeper into because there are so many conflicting and confusing teachings on the issues. The world around me has become so political. So many people fight politicians and Planned Parenthood.



The battle is far deeper than what our physical eyes see. The world fights a battle against the principalities of the dark world. Yes, I believe they are covered with words and actions such as abortion and homosexuality. Furthermore, I believe that these actions are a result, not the cause. God has painted a very clear picture, making it known to us that the enemy prowls around like a lion. The enemy's main goal is to seek, to kill and to destroy.

We see that in broken marriages, broken families, and broken relationships. I want to go back to living boldly for Christ. How did I get so stuck in a rut? When did I stop? When did my world change? The past 2-3 years have been filled with turning new leaves and starting new chapters.


God has been with me the entire time. I am so thankful for new dreams, and old dreams brought back into new light.

This past year has been one of the hardest years emotionally. I went through more trials in the past 12-17 months than I would wish upon anyone. This is my story, though. I was thinking recently that "if I knew then what I know now ..." kind of thoughts, and it dawned on me that I needed to live through what I have. We overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. This is part of my testimony. This is where I am in life. I would not know what I know now if I had an easy ride through life. Yes, others have experienced far more than me. Other's have been through gut-wrenching life trials. Other have been at the bottom. Other's have risen about it. This is the nature of our fallen world. I rejoice with the rejoicing. I mourn with those who mourn. May God shower His love and mercy on the world as we can get so lost and lose sight of faith. Amen. 

So much

A new year, a new day, a new beginning.


All that was is no longer, and all that is yet to come is here.


That really doesn't make much sense. In the world of realists, what was .. there is still some of that. And what is yet to come is here? Is that like magical? No.


My birthday has come and gone. A new year is here. One where I can do bigger and better things then I've ever done or experienced before.


Bring on the new year.

Beauty from the Ashes

So much beauty arises when we allow the one who shaped the world to manifest in our hearts.

What's Done is Done

It has long been in the pipelines. I finally signed up for my first half-marathon for this fall.

The weight of it has not sunk in yet. I can't fathom that I have done what is done.

These sub zero temperatures do not inspires me to get out and run.

My friends inspire me. Regardless of circumstance, they don't make excuses. They just run.

A little bit stronger

They say that time heals the heart. They say it gets better with time.

Does it really “get better” or are we just learning how to cope and move on with what the new reality is?

It will never be “okay.” Nothing will ever resume per usual. There is an emptiness. A hole. A gigantic, gaping, open fresh wound. A wound that no matter how much time passes by, it won’t ever heal.

We learn how to be happy. We learn that we can keep pressing on. But then something happens. Everything we worked so hard to overcome. Everything we worked so hard to tell ourselves is the past … it all resurfaces in one fell swoop. Back to square one. Back to the long nights of crying  to sleep. Back to longing for what once was, but won’t ever be again.

We hope. We dream. We cling to the precious memories and special moments. But we are broken. There is a piece of us that won’t ever be normal again.

We pick ourselves up and know we must carry on. Not for the sake of others, but for our own sake. We can be strong for ourselves and be a pillar for others who are currently going through what no one would ever wish upon anyone else.

While the circumstances vary and not one situation is the same, we are all united by a common bond. A common thread. We all share in each other’s pain, sorrow and grief.

While it may never “get better,” there does come a point when it stops consuming our every thought. When it stops motivating our every action. When we can carry on with the tasks of the day a little stronger. Slowly at first. But stronger none the less. This doesn’t mean we have forgotten. This doesn’t mean we don’t feel. This doesn’t mean we can’t break down and feel the feels of the moment. All this means is that we are human. Beautifully human.

Painting and Life

Over the past month, I have taken on the wonderful task of checking "paint chevron stripes in my bedroom" off the 2014 bucket list.

It was a learning experience.

Here are my thoughts:

- Have a plan. But realize that things don't always go as planned. Be prepared for this.
- Sometimes the most beautiful things take time. Lots of time and patience. And persistence.  As well as perseverance.
- People have my best interest in mind, but just because they view it one way, doesn't mean my way is null or void. We are free to feel and express as we do. And I can take my own advice.
- Focus on the task at hand. Don't try to do 3 or 4 or 5 different things to the same thing at once. One task at a time is enough.
- The final result is never the final result. There is always more that can be done.
- Invest everything in it.
- Love what it is, and not what it "could" or "should" be.
- Mistakes happen. We can only draw the lines so lightly and use so much tape.
- There is no such thing as perfection.
- No matter how many times I try to make it smooth and flawless, there will remain a distinct line between two differences. Realize this adds to the beauty.
- It is one of a kind. It doesn't have to be like everything or anything else.
- There is almost always an easier way of doing it.
- Express joy. Find joy. Live joyfully.

Believe

Trust. Faith. Hope. Wait on the Lord ... the one who can fulfill every hope, dream and promise.