I have a follow up appointment with my OB next week. Pathology is running tests to see if we could possibly find answers as to what happened to our baby. Maybe we will receive answers pointing to why we have had two recurrent miscarriages. There are thoughts that maybe it was chromosomal in which we would receive some insight; but that would ultimately just mean that it was a fluke and that there was no way to prevent it or avoid it in the future.
At this point, I have no real longing to know what happened. Knowing what happened to one baby and not the other breaks my heart. I will accept answers, but I am not seeking them out on my own.
Losing my babies has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced, yet it has also been on the greatest things for my faith walk. Being able to press into Jesus has brought me deeper than I have ever been. Even looking back one month ago to where I am now amazes me.
The longing for a baby has not gone away. We still wish to be parents. We still wish to bring a child into this world that shares our DNA. But it is not a sole focus for us. It is not a be all end all. We want a baby, but we also know we can be parents through other measures, such as foster care.
--
It has been one month since I stopped carrying my sweet child. The emotions that the past month have held have been some of the deepest valleys I have traveled through to date. The hormone crash, the uncertainty of my own body, still in limbo between maternity clothes and pre-maternity clothes. The struggle is real. The emotions have been raw. But my God is good. Pressing into God and trusting in Him to lead me on this journey. It has not always been easy, and sometimes it is not even the first means I turn to. But when I find that quiet place with Jesus ... I can sink into his presence and share the depths of my heart without fear of judgement or fear that I'll be misunderstood or say the wrong thing. I can be real. I can be raw. I can share exactly what my heart feels and what my mind needs to say. And I am loved! I am met right where I am. God sees me and knows my every tear.
--
Having a hope of being a foster mom has been extremely helpful in this healing journey. Being able to have a focus external to us has been so good for me. Knowing that I can honor my babies by turning our nursery into a home of hope and healing for other children who have experienced a hurting and broken world feels like the absolute best thing for this momma heart.
--
We will have our rainbow baby. We will hold a child in our arms. I pray that I will never have to experience another loss of losing my own child. I have said goodbye to two foster children and two biological babies in the past 2 years. Foster care will come with more goodbyes. But those are happier goodbyes. Those are not always a goodbye forever.
--
In this season we wait. We hope. We praise. We continue to press on with daily life. We continue to see God first. We continue to love.
No comments:
Post a Comment