Grace in the Waiting

Waiting.  It requires a great amount of patience.  Patience.  Something that I long to have an abundance of but that I often find I am lacking when I want something so bad.

Time.  It feels like I am running out of time to grow my family as I want to.  This season of life is not at all something I envisioned I would be experiencing in my first year of marriage.

And it sucks.  The past six/seven months have been the most awful emotional roller coaster I have been on.  From the excitement to finding out we were pregnant to quickly realizing that we were losing the baby, to being pregnant again and having apprehension yet excitement to learning that that baby, too, was in heaven.  Surgery, infection, no answers, learning that our baby, Nolan, was a girl. 

My heart is broken.  Perhaps it is the hormones of another month that has come and gone with no baby yet again. 

I press into God yet it hurts, still. 

My husband is my constant.  My rock.  My reminder to press into God because when that day comes when we hold a child that is ours, the joy will be unrelenting. 

I struggle to fully embrace that a day like that exists.  It is hard to see past today. 

While I read stories of redemption, my heart struggles to wrap around the hope yet to come.   My mind believes it yet my heart is hesitant. 

We pursue foster care but will that, can that, fill the void in my heart to have a baby to call my own?

I pray that I look back on this season of life and I can see the realness and rawness that I felt.  But I pray that I see that God was ever present in all of the pain and through all of the tears.  It feels so awfully lonely to walk this journey.  It has been so hard to allow people into the pain. 

I had so much hope that this was our month to be pregnant.  And the fact that I am not feels extra heavy today.  It is hard to write that somewhere else other than my personal journal.  It is hard to admit that some days I am not okay; and that it is okay to not be okay in those moments. 

Thankfully the good days outweigh the challenging days.  I can find joy in the small things and the large things.  And I have hope and trust in the Lord that while right now, this very minute, sucks, this is not the end.  This is not how I was meant to live.  And I will press into God and find healing through the tears.