In the waiting

So take courage my heart 

Stay steadfast my soul 

He's in the waiting 

He's in the waiting 

Hold onto your hope 

As your triumph unfolds 

He's never failing 

He's never failing

Another weekend come and gone.  And it feels like the second worse weekend I have been through in my life.  This past Saturday we said hello and goodbye to yet another baby.  It had only been a few short days since those two pink lines appeared on the test and I sat in awe and wonder on my bathroom floor as tears of faith and joy ran down my cheeks.  I was full of praise, yet I was terrified.  I had walked this journey two times already.  I was hopeful, oh so hopeful, that this was going to be our take home baby.  Our Redemption baby.  

I had plans to celebrate with my husband.  I wrote a poem.  We had a photo shoot scheduled under the guise that we were having our one year anniversary photos taken.  But then all the hopes and dreams that had been building for a lifetime, that had suddenly become a reality three days earlier all came to an abrupt halt as I now sat on the bathroom floor watching my hopes and dreams of this child that I had prayed for vanish. 

I feel the weight of the pain, and the memories of "what ifs" infiltrate every cell of my body and I cry out begging for relief, begging for answers, begging that this is all a dream.  Can I wake up yet?  Can this not be my reality ... please?  I just want to hide.  I just want company.  I want to be everywhere and nowhere all at once. 

This journey has taken me deeper with God.  I have continued to press into Him.  Even in the hard moments, I find my strength in Him.  In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus.  

While I wait, Jesus is here.  What I wait for, I know not.  But I know that my God turns mourning into rejoicing and ashes into beauty.  And for that, how can I not have hope?  

To be completely raw and honest, this seasons sucks.  It is frustrating, challenging, tear-jerking, and at times I hardly like being around myself because I feel so consumed with grief and heartache. 

I know I am not alone.  My heart goes out to all of those mommas and daddys who have lost babies and who walk this same journey, or one similar.  As much as I want to say that it will be ok, or that we will all hold our miracle babies, I cannot make those promises.  Yet I know who holds the days and I know that God is constantly making all things new.  For that, I am thankful. 

My heart holds so much hope.  Perhaps my eye has been on the wrong prize.  For what am I supposed to long for and hope for?  I am praying for guidance through this journey.  I am praying for a healed heart.  I am praying that God will indeed restore that which has been broken and turn it into something beautiful and amazing (Joel 2:25). 

In this seasons, I know God is near.  As I wait, I know God is here.