Only human...

So often as I was growing up I have looked at people and thought they they really have life figured out and really have their life together. Sometimes I long for what they have. Sometimes I want to be like them. I think that even if one day I can obtain half their greatness, then I have lived a good life.

I have mostly outgrown this, but still find myself struggling with it every now and again.

Decisions I make are based off from what I think someone else wants to hear, or what they want to see. I don't answer with the knowledge I have because I am afraid that someone might tell me what I am wrong. I don't say what is on my mind because there is still fear that someone will be driven away. After everything I have learned this past summer, there is a feeling of being right back at square one.

The more research I do to learn more about this walk of life I am on, I am learning and seeing that we all fall short. We are all human, prone to weakness. Prone to short comings and failings and fallings. If we don't experience being "at rock bottom" at least once in our life, we are extremely blessed and fortunate. All those people that I look at and see them happy all of the time, the people I look at and long to have just a small portion of their happiness, the people I see who have it all together and submit everything they are and long to be to God.... they are by no means perfect. An excellent example, yes. They, too, have gone through their fair share of hardships and struggles. They too have gone through mental battles where they didn't know where they stood and had to make a decision as to what they felt God was calling them. Even to this day they still have struggles.

Since I declared this past summer that I am living my life for God and submitting my everything to Him, I have felt this huge burden that I must be perfect. That I must always be happy. That I can never let anyone see my weaknesses. That I cannot make myself look bad, for if I do, that will take away all of the hard work that I have allowed God to do within me. And the list goes on and on.

That could no be farther from the truth. I AM human, and I do make mistakes, and I do and will fall short of living my life for the greater glory of God! All these weeks of having this "weight of perfection" on my heart, I have finally given it over to God, for God has granted me this realization that I do not have to be perfect. He knows I have a sinful nature, but He loves me anyways! All He asks is that I try my best and continue to get to know Him, love Him and serve Him. He has such unconditional love for me-- for You!

With people looking up to me, I felt that I was expected to fit into a perfect mold. That the person I have become would be defiled if I fell back into a weakness of the old me. 

Back in September, I received this message from a dear, dear friend:

"In light of my previous (Facebook) wall post, I realized something rather important, and wanted to tell you. Basically, I wanted to say that you've come such a long way, and though I know our stories are very different, we were effected in a few similar ways. I don't know that I could have gotten to where I am now, if you hadn't been one step ahead of me all the way (and still are!) showing me where to go and how to get there. So, thank you. (:"

I was honored. It was one of the first times anyone had approached me and told me that they saw God's Hand working in me and transforming my life. Just where I had been and where I had gotten to by September 24, 2011!

For the next 3 months I continued (and continue) to let God work within me and shape and mold me into the person He wants me to be. I didn't let these kind works get to my head and make me think that my journey was over. For in all reality, my journey has just began and will last my lifetime. I never ever want to stop learning and growing! 

Life has certainly not been all peaches and cream lately. I can see my growth because when something does not go *my way* I can see my reliance on God and I go to Him for my strength, instead of relying on another human for it. As in the past, there would have been a huge dramatic flare up and a dwelling in self pity for who knows how long.

This growth became apparent to me, when I posted this Facebook status after a rather emotional, trying night where I was anything but graceful or humble as well as countless other things... and then a dear, dear sweetheart and I began messaging each other.

My status:

 

"Doing what must be done certainly is not easy. Especially when it involves good byes. Here's to having unwavering faith in the Good Lord upstairs to continue to hold us close to Him and bless our lives so very richly indeed. Here's to learning new words and having inside jokes and learning more what love actually is and dancing and prasing God in the rain!. Every tear shed is washing away the old self, allowing for new growth! Thanking God for everything He has revealed to me thru this experience! No ammount of words can sum it up. Amen."

 

After receiving virtual hugs and prayers, I responded:

 

"The prayers are MUCHO appreciated! I know God has a plan. Just stepping out and having faith.... I know it will be rewarded. All of my prayers are being answered. Not exactly as I wished, but years from now I will look back on this and see God's ever present hand in it all."

What brought tears to me eyes what this reply:

 

"You are such an incredible woman. I don't know that I've ever met anyone as brave and as trusting as you. Really. One day, I wish to have acquired even a little bit of those qualities from watching you along your own journeys."


That. That right there. I had to reread it. I have never been told anything like that about myself before. It was everything in others that I admired, but never ever saw within myself. I literally got down on my knees and thanked God for working in me. For opening my heart to receive Him. For opening the eyes and hearts of others to let Him work in their lives. For allowing me to be the tool that He is using to bring others closer to Him. How beautiful!


It has been through God's grace alone (which includes all of you wonderful people in my life offering encouragement and support) that I have been able to keep my faith, hope, and trust in Him. I know I will have moments of weakness. I know I will have moments where I am just human. I know there will be short comings, and many, many other things. I am by no means perfect. I am human. I cannot live up to any standards that anyone has set for me, because in all honesty, I strive to live up to God's standards. I fall short of His glory. I am selfish and want what I want despite God telling me no. I sin and can be stubborn. But God loves me anyway.

As I said to my dear friend (still the same one I have been quoting): "I am tring to stay positive. I know there will be moments of weakness, but it is in those moments that God is working in me and making me stronger."

Her reply... so simple, so sweet, so true:
"I totally understand. (: I know that you'll be able to get through everything, and come out better than you were before."






With God's grace alone, I can fulfill the perfect plan He has for me. I know He has something wonderful in store for me. I pray that God continues to grant me patience. And that He continues to bless me with such amazing people in my life. You are all such a joy to have in my life. You are all such an enormous blessing to me. A bigger blessing than any one of you will ever know. I cherish you all and pray that you grow closer to God and seek first and foremost the kingdom of God. None of us are perfect. All we can do is try our best -- and live for the greater glory of God. Amen.